Mothers of FDS, what did you wish you knew before having your child?

I’m a single mother of an almost 8 years old boy.

I had an arranged marriage but learned so much from this 8 year’s relationship with a LVM.

1- He should be HVM - considerate, caring, loving, attentive to your emotions and needs, does what’s comfortable for you, generous, kind, etc.

2- He has a good income in case you decide to leave work for a while and take a Matt leave, he can support you without making you feel guilty and he can happily provide for you and the family

3- helps with chores, child care needs, cooking, takes care of you when you are sick, understands the struggles you go through during pregnancy and educates himself on what happens post pregnancy.

4- Your future goals and his align and the way you parent is very similar. It’s very confusing with children when their parents teach them the opposite and confuse them when it comes to discipline, etc.

5- Ensure he has no anger issues and is very patient. Even when he gets upset, he takes time to calm himself down and communicates with you RESPECTFULLY

6- A great role model for your children. This is so so important. So make sure he is a great man

7- supports whatever you decide to do after having a child. But I personally recommend going back to work. I couldn’t wait to go back to work after 14 months Matt leave. I felt as if I started losing brain cells and all I did was hehe baby stuff. I also didn’t like what SAHM did or talked about. Their conversations weren’t deep for me and were very superficial (not judging, but just different from who I am as a person).

8- Have a good support system and take time for yourself everyday, even for an hour. Leave your baby with your partner and do something for you. This is as simple as taking a drive to pick up your fav coffee drink and sit in the car reading a book or watching Netflix or doing nothing. Or go shopping.

9- Your children are their own people. Use education instead of punishments and time ins instead of time outs. Have a loving home for them and a safe space. Children are not adults, they need to make mistakes to learn, and support their passions even if against yours (unless it’s dangers to themselves ofc)

I can go on for hours 🤣🤣

Though I don't have kids myself, I have comments on what I wish my mother considered before having us.

Patience, kindness, and an understanding that children need to be taught things, because they are not self-sustaining pets, and they are not adults when they are children. My mother did not have patience for children. She had kids because my dad wanted kids, and like most relationships, my dad was the "fun" parent, and the burden of running the house fell on her. I think she is extra-resentful because she didn't want kids anyway.

If we were crying, or fighting with each other, or anything went wrong, she was cruel.

She really thought that we should learn everything in school. When I went to school, this was at a time of extreme budget cuts, so classes were around 40+ students, and the teachers were obviously overwhelmed. If I was confused about homework, my mom would get angry at me. And then I would get poor marks on assignments, and she would get angrier. Her favorite line, no matter if you were 3, 10, or 20 years old, was always "Figure it out." And you were punished if you didn't come up with the right answer.

She just wanted to go to work, come home, and read a book quietly with a cat on her lap.

She did not enjoy motherhood, and we no longer have a relationship.

Parenting is a full-time job, and unless you're really there for it, and you can really devote enough time to be a supportive, patient, involved parent, don't do it.

I would say, check how much bandwidth you have after coming home from work. Are you exhausted? Do you want nothing more than a glass of wine and a good movie and to go to sleep early? Then maybe being a stay-at-home mom is the better option.

Every woman is different. Every baby is different. The advice I've been given is to take maternity leave (whatever is available to you) and wait until you have the baby--THEN decide what you want to do. I know women who found the early years extremely boring and couldn't wait to put their baby in childcare and return to work ASAP, and others who found it thrilling and quit their jobs so as not to miss a single second. There is no blanket answer.

Some babies sleep for as little as 20min at a time. Others sleep for 9hr stretches. Everything about pregnancy and childbirth is impossible to predict. Every pregnancy is different. The same woman can have 3 children and three wildly different pregnancies (morning sickness feeling terrible/feeling amazing/feeling tired).

DO NOT prepare to slow your career under any circumstances!!!

Sheryl Sandberg, for all her flaws, had an amazing chapter in her book Lean In titled "Dont leave before you leave," which is specifically about this phenomenon where women will pull back on the career before they are married or planning to have a kid or even have a man in their life! You should do exactly the opposite if you'd like to have kids one day - you should lean in HARDER.

If you'd like to have a family one day, go hard on your career. If not early on, then when you see it on the horizon (I personally wasn't motivated to finish my education until I met the man I was going to marry and could see that future before me).

When you are a year out from getting pregnant, you and your husband should be positioned at companies that have robust parent friendly benefits such as parental leave and child care credits. You need to be there a year to be eligible for FMLA. Both you and your spouse should be of the same mind and should be working for the same thing. It doesn't mean you need to have it all before the first child. I didn't buy a house until my kid was five. But you should both be financially independent, growing your careers, and physically healthy before you try to get pregnant.

Great questions!

I am full of regret because I didn't have FDS as a young woman. I am glad you have it. 🥰

TLDR: get therapy, hold fast to FDS principles, do NOT date, mate or reproduce until you are strong, healed and Levelled Up. Men can ruin (or end!) your life, if you're not careful. The stakes are higher than for anything else: career choice, education, health, kids/no kids - everything depends on avoiding bad men.

DEETS: I had a traumatic childhood that trained me to ignore my feelings, put up with abuse, and told me I wasn't worthy of love. I had no boundaries and was desperate for any scrap of kindness or affection.

Then because I was so emotionally desperate for a community, I got sucked into a religion that told women to marry young and have kids, and submit to their husbands. The religion also promised that the men were godly, loving providers who shun porn and respect women as helpmeets. We were promised that "god would see" and reward us for our good behavior, and that even if life sucks, everything will be made right in Heaven. It was a total set-up for me to marry an abusive selfish nut-job, expect nothing as a wife, and to put him first in everything I did. We had three children, he was a terrible, lazy provider (we were very poor), and I put up with his bullshit for 13 years.

My depression grew, and I became suicidal after my third baby was born. I desperately needed to escape. All my emotions were bottled up and blew out sideways. Also around this time, I discovered my ex was a porn addict, which was a deal breaker for me. So I had a revenge affair and left my husband. It was messy and ugly. Of course it was the wrong way to leave my marriage, and I regret it very much. The religious community punished me with exile, and my ex continues to do everything he can to make my life hell. He has NEVER gotten over my leaving him, though he's been married for 13 years to a religious women doctor who pays all his bills. Fuck that guy. 😠

Because I still had the religious BS clinging to me, and I was scared to death to be alone, I jumped from man to man trying to find some stability. This was bad for my children. I chose religious men who seemed to be kind and "moral" (whatever that means lol), but they were always abusive liars, hiding behind a cloak of scrote audacity.

My kids are 25, 22 and 18 today. They turned out really well in spite of all my mistakes. I love them so much and I constantly apologize for putting them through everything: my terrible choice of father (they can't stand him, he's proven to be a real dick even to his own kids), two terrible other men in their lives, and a mom who didn't love herself enough to choose better.

ADVICE: Your choices today will affect you, your finances, your emotional well being, maybe even your death. They'll affect your children, future generations, and every single day of your future life. The #1 risk you will take is to partner with a man. Be VERY VERY CAREFUL before letting any man into your life. He will either make you, or he will break you (and your kids).

I'm still pissed that out of all of society: men, women, friends, family - nobody warned me. It was only "find a man - quick!" And "support him, love him, sacrifice everything, and he'll give back to you." Bullshit, bullshit bullshit. I was always told that "HE is the Prize." Liars all. I remember asking my mom in 6th grade: "how come men commit all the murders and rapes and war and violence?" She brushed my question aside as too negative. She shut down my natural instincts and powers of observation, leaving me helpless against a world full of monsters. 🤯

TODAY: I know better now. I am stable, happy, secure, and I have a peaceful life full of loving friends and wonderful experiences. I got therapy. I make good money. I went to grad school and got my MBA. I respect and love myself. My kiddos are doing well. I'm still fit and attractive, even at 51. I no longer care if men notice me (I avoid them). I travel the world and I love my work. But ooh boy, the road sucked. Don't be me. 🥺

I am soooo grateful for FDS - it's like the only place where people don't tell me I'm crazy for being negative about men. The only place where porn & strippers are actually bad and exploitative of women. Where even GoT is considered gross. Where everyone agrees that men should be treated as suspect FIRST, and to slowly, carefully observe them before putting trust in ANY man.

This stuff is so basic! It's so obvious! How come society keeps denying the truth, that most men are dangerous and must be handled with care?

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. 😂