.png)
You need help. A lot of help. All the help, at every step of the way.
You don't know jack shit about any of this -- and you are winging the heck outta it because you have to. It is a do or die. You will make tons of mistakes. That's not a sin.
You are not worthless just because you are overwhelmed and breaking down from all the chaos and still-healing trauma. All these weird "supermom" agenda society is trying to push on us is not normal. It is not healthy -- in fact it is pretty dang dangerous.
You NEED all the rest. You NEED to be spoiled and thoroughly taken care of. Being fragile, sick, and weak IS NOT A SIN. You are human, not cyborg.
You kids should learn responsibilities as soon as they are able to. Trust their ability, show them the steps. Kids are smart and absorb things like a sponge -- they will be fine. You need to let them make mistakes and learn how to stand up on their own.
Yes, it is hard to let go of the instinct to protect them from all the hurt of the world -- but coddling and helicoptering their every steps, sacrificing your own identity, health, emotion, free time -- you will only make them incapable of handling the world on their own.
You need boundaries and standards too as a mother -- you need to show your children how to prioritize oneself even with mountains of responsibilities. They need that for their own future.
Your husband should be your pillar, your foundation, your shelter, your support while you are busy supporting the children. That is the core role of a husband -- to be the silent pillar for the nurturer. His role is in the background, the burden is heavy and he has to be the one remaining strong when everyone and everything is falling apart.
The role of a husband and father can only be shouldered by a fully mature, fully developed HVM -- it is not for everybody. Sisters, you need to understand this -- if you didn't meet a truly, truly suitable HVM that you are convinced without a single doubt will be a great husband and father -- stay single. I am serious.
The root of all pain and agony in this world is because underdeveloped men are given that role and they crumble when tested. And start blaming and hurting people around them because they can't cope with the humiliation. That's how you start a generational trauma.
STOP THAT UGLY LOOP NOW. If you didn't meet a truly suitable candidate, stay single. It is a win-win strategy -- and the key to stop generational trauma.
And if you are already stuck with a shitty husband showing his true color after being tested with pregnancy and kids -- start planning your exit please. "Staying for the kids" is a surefire way to f**k up your kids and your grandkids and the ones after. You have the responsibility to stop that chain.
Leave for the kids -- that's the correct way to do it.
You aren't martyrs, you don't need to be, you should not need to be. Because we are human, not Angels. We are imperfect by design and that's ironically, is the best way to be.
Stay safe.
I agree with the general idea here of not being a martyr but not the statement that the core role of husband is to be the silent pillar for the nurturer (who is the mother right?) Or that He should just be in the background being strong. This sounds like a 1950s trope and I don’t buy it. Are you married? Have kids? I am married with kids and I want my man to be more than a strong pillar in the background while I do all the actual work. The The strong silent idea has let men off the hook to be real fathers playing an active role in contributing to their family. Men who believe this make shit husbands and are NOT HVM. I would run from any dude who thinks all he has to do is make money and be in the background. Women are strong and smart and need an equal partner who is willing to do the work to build a family together - not a patriarch who thinks women need to be ´taken care of’. This is the lie we’ve been sold for ever…don’t buy it.
This is very true. My landlord was telling me that for his wife’s birthday weekend she went away on holiday BY HERSELF and he looked after the baby. I was like good for her, go sis! And I hope she did not feel one second of guilt.
I'm not a mom, but I think this is a really important message, especially the title. "You are not martyrs, you don't need to be, you should not need to be." This principle also applies to people in general; it is so frustrating when people act as though their life just happens to them and they have no agency whatsoever. I'm not talking about people who face significant challenges out of their control such as systemic racism or chronic generational poverty. But when I was in university people were constantly playing the "busy" game and complaining about being in 9 clubs, getting no sleep, never eating 3 meals, and not having time to socialize. Newsflash, for most people with some level of privilege, you run this shit! You signed up for 9 clubs and decided to be a biology major. Either drop something or stop complaining about it. I feel like moms often do fall into this trap and feel that their lives must revolve around their kids. My mom was a stay at home mom when I was growing up and while this did afford me the privilege of being into many activities, it did make her unhealthily focused on our lives instead of her own life. She tells me that even now she does not have any close friends and she is closest with her mother and me. Similarly, I have mom friends who never have time to hang out with friends and their kids are their lives. They rarely respond to texts or calls, but they expect me to respond immediately. If they do ask to hang out, it's a last minute invite. I wish we all would wake up and take a little responsibility for our lives. Sometimes that means taking the responsibility to engage in some self-care and putting more responsibility on the husband. Sometimes that means taking the responsibility to teach your child to do chores instead of giving in and doing it for them when they say it's too hard. And sometimes that means taking responsibility for your choice in partner and going in with eyes wide open.