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This is going to be a pretty long post.. but please bear with me as i have nowhere else to turn or vent to.
My mom and dad had a pretty bad and miserable marriage.
My maternal grandma raised my mom in such a way that she would remain quiet and sacrifice herself, just like she herself did throughout her life.
My mom and dad knew each other for barely 3 months before marrying and were both 30. As far as i can remember, my mom had to be alone with me for days up until i was in middle school. My dad was at work, but when he wasn't he was mostly outside enjoying his life. He was verbally abusive towards her and even physically a few times ( those events scarred me ). He didn't leave much cash at home and was always complaining whenever she'd ask. He was always manipulating her. Never took her on any dates, vacations, never bought her gifts. Even cheated on her a few times. My mom suffered around 3 miscarriages throughout her life and lost her brother when she was pregnant with my brother ( who is much younger than me ).
Growing up i was pretty distant from my dad, he'd always verbally abuse me too by calling me stupid or other kind of stuff. As i entered my teens, he stopped doing that and was somewhat nicer to me, but his relationship with my mom didn't have much improvement except a little. I've never shared any personal stuff to him especially about my inner feelings, thoughts and dating life. I started to stand up for my mom but she slowly started to turn to alcoholism as her life was pretty bad. She passed away 4 years ago. Since then, my dad has been much better to me, and tries to support me more and talk to me more.
The thing is, my dad completely ignores the fact that he was cold and distant and even abusive towards me. He says i had a '' mostly happy childhood '' and that the events that weren't nice were my moms fault. He makes it seem like my mom was the abuser and now he is saved. If i were to speak the truth to him and show my anger i am absolutely convinced he would deny it or maybe even our relationship would end.
I know how horrible of a partner he was because i also had a boyfriend who was very similar to him. He was narcissistic, and would verbally abuse me and manipulate me. He was a pathological liar. I was dating him since i was 15 till i turned 20 ( very very bad idea). I left him at the first sign of physical abuse. Being exposed to such a marriage growing up, i didn't know better. Even other women around me, were in similar marriafes. That relationship was horrible but frankly it taught me that if anything, i should steer away clear from men like that. It taught me how to recognize such lvm and narcissist people.
I work full time and earn good. I am planning on moving out in the next 2 years ... but idk how im supposed to ever live with the fact that my dad thinks im foolish enough to believe him or that i don't recall anything that happened in the past. Unlike my mom and grandma, i cannot keep my mouth shut and pretend everything is fine.
I learnt that it's better to be alone than ever have a marriage like that.
Joseph Goebbels once said "If you repeat a lie often enough, people will accept it as the truth". Given that he was the Nazi Minister for Propaganda, he should know. I think that this is what your father is trying to do, OP. He's trying to gaslight you into believing that your mother was the abuser and not him. He's trying to rewrite history. The only advice I can give is limit your contact with your father. (Being gaslit is not good for your mental health). Also try to find a way to tell your truth. Venting on here is one way. Talking to close friends or to a therapist is another. Journalling is another. Just don't waste your time arguing with your father. He's too invested in this narrative that he's a saint and your mother was the devil to ever admit the truth.
Edited to add: I just caught the part where you said you planning on moving out in the next 2 years. If I were you, I'd just stay quiet whenever your dad tells his lies and in the meantime, work on moving out. (It might help to look up "grey rocking". That'll provide you with useful tips on how to do this). Calling him out isn't really going to accomplish anything other than making your home life stressful. Once you've moved out, you can challenge him all you like because you won't be living with him.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. Your dad sounds terrible. 😢
My mom is the same way: in complete denial about how much neglect and abuse we kids suffered because of her bad choices. She should've never had kids. Yet she lies to herself out loud about what a proud mom/grandma she is, even though we all avoid her like the plague.
Last summer, I'd finally had enough of her narcissism and told her what I REALLY think. She freaked out and went on the attack. Then she played the victim because I'm "such a negative person." These people turn everything around and blame others for their flaws.
Bottom line: it's not worth saying anything to your dad. He won't listen, and he may get angry/violent.
I agree with the gray rock advice. Get out as soon as possible. Then cut off contact when you're safely away.
Good luck sis 🍀💕