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TL, DR: my friend has a daughter with a scrote. Despite not being together anymore for a few years now, he's posessive. he still persues her from time to time and she still loves him, so it's hard for her to say no. How can she distance herself from him when they have a child together?
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This is a situation that a friend of mine is going through and I don't know how to help her. So I'm hoping some of you can enlighten me.
She is in her thirties and has a daughter aged 4. Being a mother was a choice (a dream) for her. Her relationship was monogamous and apparentlt happy when she had the baby, but after a while she found out the scrote was flirting with other womeon on Tinder. She tried cOmMuNicAtiNg, but it obviously didn't work. So eventually she broke up with him. By the way, they were never officially married and lived in the scrote's parents's house (her in-laws).
She's been living there still. He ended up moving out. They have an overall friendly relationship. She says there is still care and love, but they know they're not good together. Problem is, ever since their break up, it has been extremely difficult for her because she still loves him (don't ask...) and from time to time he tries to get lucky with her. She says the sex is good - the best she's ever had - and no one compares. So she has great trouble saying no, although she's managed to get better at that lately. Shortly after the break up, they used to tell eacho other when they were seeing other people, but it was painful for her. So they decided it would best not to share that with each other.
Thing is, they usually end up finding out somehow (gossip probably). He is promiscuous, she is not. However she recently had casual sex with some guy and her ex found out and got really angry. He's posessive of her. She's only been with other guys twice while scrote-dad sleeps around a lot. Now he's angry seying she's not being honest with him because she didn't tell him about this guy. He's sure she's dating even though she says it was casual, and he basically told her to move out of his parents' house - as if she lives there as a favor. She's the mother of his child, she's family!
He'splaying the victim saying what she did was unnacceptable, trying to make her feel guilty (spoiler: she doesn't, he knws she did nothing wrong).
She wants to move out, but it's expensive to be a single mother with a small child living alone. She has a somewhat good job, but the money is not that good and the scrote earns less than her, so the financial help he gives her is not very good either. She wants to set a good example for her child. She says "I don't want my daughter to think it's okay for her dad to treat her mom like that. That's what gives me strength to deny his advances. But it's very difficult because I still love him..." (again, don't even ask...)
Needless to mention he's a crap dad. She has to demand things from him all the time. He does more than most scrotes, but we all know that's not a good way to measure how good of a father a man is.
So the dilemma her is: how can she limit her contact with this fucken scrote when they have a child together? She can't prevent the kid from seeing her father. But she needs to geographically distance herself from him in order to avoid giving in to her desires everytime he persues her. She can't go no contact. She can't block and delete.
Now just to clarify, this is currently my only HV friendship. She is a smart woman (obvisouly smarter now than when she decided to had a baby with this piece of shit) who fits a lot of the FDS profile and values me as a friend. But she's human... She knows it doesn't make sense she still loves him despite his actions, but she can't help it. I honestly don't even know why the hell she gives him any explanations about her love/sex life if they are both single. He just wants to make her life difficult. He wants to have everything while she has nothing. Typical! His parents always take his side, so no support from them (btw I think they are the ones doing the gossip about her sex life).
Please, if any of you have tips on how to deal with this situation, it would be very helpful. Her priority is her daughter. She doesn't want to make this whole ordeal traumatizing for her, but she is also mindful of her own mental health because she knows it affect her child as well.
The only way to survive this with her sanity intact is to move out and limit contact with him to handovers and practical emails. It will be incredibly hard of course but living with scrotes/scrote apologists is harder. I was so scared when my ex told me he was leaving us but while it was, I slept easy and my house was so much more joyful and that enabled me to level up my career and what seemed hard while around toxic people suddenly seemed more possible. And I appreciate that I’ve been lucky but there’s really no way through it when you’ve got scrote cooties on you.
Don't talk to him. You don't owe him anything for the sake of the kids. Give him an email he can contact you to make appointments to see his children if he has visitation rights but besides that you shouldn't talk to him, don't answer questions that has nothing to do with your children. Don't let him come over to your house ever. When men leave you behind don't make the transition to co parenting easy for them.
Be difficult no matter what people say, You might not deny him visitation rights but you can deny him anything else he doesn't deserve.
Okay, harsh truths about to be spoken:
There is nothing you can do. In fact, you need to disengage from her. She is a Pickmeisha.
Let's look at the most telling statement:
>Problem is, ever since their break up, it has been extremely difficult for her because she still loves him (don't ask...) and from time to time he tries to get lucky with her. She says the sex is good - the best she's ever had - and no one compares.
Honestly, what do you want us to do? Hmm? You're friends with a Pickmeisha and an abuser -- she is NOT HV. She is attracted to scrotes because she likes the attention that it gets her. And because she enjoys fucking an abusive male, she has no qualms subjecting her child to that. In fact, you know she'll teach her daughter to emulate that same behavior. This is not the act of a HVW. Rather, this is a Pickmeisha who's using you to air her dirty laundry because of her need to have a Captain Save-a-..., be it male or female.
Why can't she go no contact or block/delete? Are they in the United States? And is the ex paying child support and visiting the child voluntarily (there's no child support/ parental rights order in place)? If yes to both questions, then in most states, he is not legally recognized as the child's father even if he is the biological father. Depending on which states are involved here, she can geographically locate closer to family or friends to help her without his knowledge or consent. If he that badly wants to support the child or be involved in the child's life, it would be up to him to locate her and then initiate a court action-- most scrotes don't want to do that because (1) they don't really care to be a father and therefore do not want to put the energy or effort into paying for and planning trips to visit their out-of-state child, (2) no incentive, and, most importantly, (3) guideline child support is typically more than what he'd voluntarily be willing to pay for support, so he'd be sabotaging himself.
If she's okay with not living in luxury, depending on which state she's in, many states offer financial assistance and resources for single mothers usually for up to three years if the mother cannot work because she is the child's primary caretaker. That's more than enough time to figure out a long-term plan. In three years, the child will already be in school and then your friend can return to work full-time.
I couldn't maintain my sanity with my ex, who wanted to move closer. He ended up calling the cops on me because I'd had an eviction notice a year and a half PRIOR to moving to an upscale neighborhood. The policeman apologized profusely and just kind of talked about how they have to come out every time they get a call. I realized that no matter what I did, no matter how good a vehicle I have, no matter if the kids are in a 10/10 school system, no matter how cordial I am, it was going to come down to harassment. I refused to do drop off and got a court summons that I couldn't afford a babysitter to go to, and ultimately he got full custody because "their shirts were kind of dirty" or some shit. This is going to sound like an insane heartless monster speaking, but my life is better now. I'm looking forward to doing video chats a few times a week, and I fucking LOVED being a single mother, but I actually feel like a person again for the first time in about ten years. He was physically abusive during the entire marriage ( I didn't know that men would defend other men on this, btw, so my extended male family, and his mom downplayed everything even though I told them about the punching until my entire thigh was black). He finally messaged a few months ago and begged me back for about an hour over FB messenger, and I was waiting for that. Can't wait to see what else happens. The only problem is that I do know the absolute best setup for my KIDS was with me in the town I had grown up in and moved back to. There's really no way to win a situation with a scrote unless you have the clearest shot at full custody, and dudes who abuse women WILL use custody time to annoy and demean you. I'm sorry you're going through this.