It’s whats led some step-parents, especially step-moms, to take a new approach to bonding with and parenting their step-kids: the Nacho Kids Method, aka “not your kids, not your responsibility.”
For example, say one of your step-kids isn’t listening to repeated pleas to take all of five seconds to put their dirty cup in the dishwasher. You try a reward system, then threats and punishments, and the child continues to leave their dirty cups everywhere a la Signs, only adding to your ever-growing chore list. Not only that, but it strains your relationship further. What the hell do you do?
Take a deep breath, accept it isn’t your problem to make this child do anything, and walk away from the situation. Stop picking up the cups or cleaning their eventual spills. This is not your problem or responsibility. Tell your partner it’s an issue, and that he’s the one who will have to deal with it. That is what the Nacho Kids method would have you do.
https://www.scarymommy.com/parenting/nacho-kid-method-step-parenting
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Nah, you don't even be with a man who is going to foist his kids on you. The only men with kids who deserve your time better be hands-on active parents. I'd personally never date a man with kids, but if I had kids of my own *maybe*, but he'd have to be hella high value.
I once dated a man with a child from a previous marriage. My ex did nothing to actually parent his kid - the kid was respectful and polite because his mother taught him to be that way. my ex was the classic “Disney dad” type. Plus if you’re a stepmom, 99% chance you’ll get stuck with all of the responsibilities and none of the rights and respect. Oh yeah, and I’m childfree. Will never date another single father again. But I digress - if you do happen to be a stepmom or know one, this is a great method!
This is amazing advice. Put it on them! I am childfree after dating a man who was co-parenting an “oops” baby with a former fling. This was almost a decade ago. I hated the situation so much; in hindsight he was an irresponsible dad. I got into therapy because I thought there was something wrong with me for feeling so much anxiety and stress around the child (since he was so inept). I specifically remember asking for “tools for my toolkit to be a good stepmom” - cringe. That therapist helped me see what was actually going on and I ended things with him three months later.
The fact that so many step-mothers have experiences like this is evidence that most men- married and single- are shitty parents and have no idea how to parent, or consciously choose not to. They should be parenting themselves instead of leaving it all to the step-mothers, and should be ensuring that the children respect their step-mother. Step-fathers don't have the same experience, they usually contribute very little while mum does everything. My ex-husband was a useless parent while we were together, and I did everything (I was young and chose very poorly 😬). His lack of ability showed even more when we divorced, he had two kids with another woman who was also incapable of parenting due to substance abuse, and those kids are now growing up in poor living conditions, poor diet, no bedtime, no routines, no boundaries, technology addiction, and probably more problems that I don't know about. Thank God my child only sees him for a max of a couple hours a fortnight.
I can't imagine ever wanting to be a step-mother. The man would have to be a stellar parent for me to even consider it (and I've never met a father like that in my life). I don't know why anyone would marry an already crappy father. I like the nacho kids method for those who are stuck in step mum situations. I really enjoyed the anonymous essay linked in the article too.
I’d never be a mother in the first place so fuuccckkk ever being a step-mother. Zero power, control over any aspect of home life. No rewards at all. Every single reason for living apart together. His kids, his monkeys, his circus. Not. Mine. Ever.
Or... don't become a step parent to kids who still need to be parented in the first place. I wouldn't mind if a man I date later in life has grown children who have moved out and are living their own lifes (as long as he's HV and has a healthy relationship and healthy boundaries with them, of course). In that case I obviously wouldn't presume to be a step mother to his children. They have a mother and are grown adults. I am "dad's partner/wife" and we can be friends and have a good relationship, but I am not anyone's mother.
Why on earth should I sign up for the hellish mess that is step parenting someone else's minor children and competing with their biological mom and her whole side of the family?