SCROTE FREE: The 1-Year Mark

(Note: I previously wrote this post about some level-ups since my breakup.)

It has been one year since my last relationship with a man that ended in an emotionally violent break-up. I metabolized the actual end very quickly, but then got very critical with myself about sharing myself with this person. As I've written before: I had every reason to break up with him but didn't, and he had no reason to break up with me and did. The Madonna-whore complex he'd been expertly hiding burst into the open ferociously and left me breathless. It was like staring into the eyes of a monster, the things he said to me, like a nightmare hallucination come to life. I literally ran out of his apartment (while he begged for me to come back, that he'd made a mistake, etc.). For weeks I felt used, betrayed, left for dead (emotionally). I've been so angry at times that I wished I were a "petty revenge" person and could go slash his expensive tires. I'm a person who loves peace, and just the idea that someone could make me this angry knocked the wind out of my sails. When their mask falls, it falls hard.

I thanked God every day for letting me learn valuable lessons, up-level, *and* dodge a major bullet. (He wanted to marry me and impregnate me: can you fucking imagine?)

I fought ferociously to get myself back to me.

Psychologically it's been one of the biggest shifts of my life and I could not be more grateful.

Today I'm celebrating (quietly but with you all) the intense commitment to myself since then.

Since this started out as a dating forum, I'll say this: I've been celibate since then, have not been on a single date, do not have any OLD accounts, etc. Head-down turbo-mode on getting to where I want to be, inwardly and outwardly. I'm in a "so what?" place about dating, at best. Usually it's absolute disinterest, possibly even disgust; seldom it's "but maybe I should go on the apps and vet really hard!" (even though I've never had a relationship that way); often it's some murky space between these. I just do not care badly enough. I love love, I know we are relational animals who require love, but I'm so focused on myself, my passions, and my money that "going out to get a man" *gestures into the wilderness* feels fucking stupid to me.

I forgive myself fully. I don't look down on who I used to be. I loved fervently and openly, if naively (at my big age) and took someone at their word and action, never thinking they'd be into the long con. It's opened my eyes in a major way to men's drama and deception.

And I love that they can't have any part of me (and they keep trying and trying). I love myself unconditionally and more every day thanks to this year of transformation, growth, evolution, compassion, and self-trust.