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For the past few years, it seemed like I was in this pattern of being with guys who did not want to be in relationships, but they still kept me around, and it hurt. It was always me who initiated leaving since they were too much of a coward and immature.
I had a thought today...
There are men that have no problem getting girls, but they can't hold a relationship. I was the one that wanted to be in a relationship. I tried so hard to make things work and at times, it felt like I was walking on eggshells. It was always one-sided and not whether or not I tried hard enough. It was never my fault for wanting something serious, but their fault for purposely holding me back from finding the person that wanted to be with me.
It's okay now. All will be healed. 🩹
Edit:
What made me write this post was from the events that happened a few days ago. My mind is slowly beginning to process, and further heal from my emotional trauma.
A few years ago in college, I went no contact with a guy, but still did not block him in a group chat. I thought it would be fine since it was for school purposes and I was worried if I might something important. I think I unconsciously waited for him while blaming myself for not staying and trying harder. Also, I felt like it was a game of who can act like they care less (TS reference lol) and I didn't want to lose and have everyone judge and witness it. Leaving the chat was the best thing that could happen to me. I feel like I have been liberated since it's one less thing to worry about.
I gained this new piece of knowledge after my recent failures with a guy which lead me to this conclusion about some men I've had the misfortune of meeting.
IMO a lot of men are cowards. They're too cowardly to end a relationship that's not working for them so instead they just ignore the woman or treat her badly until eventually she gets fed up and breaks up with him. Also I think some men have this idea that being the one to initiate the break-up makes him "the bad guy" and that it's somehow kinder to prolong the relationship until the other person ends it. Personally I think this way of thinking is selfish and immature but I know a lot of men who think like that. Anyway, basically what I'm saying is, don't let men waste your time. If a man isn't putting in effort or if he's giving mixed signals, you should take that as a sign that he's not that into you and break up. You're not being mean. In fact you're probably doing the very thing he wants you to do.