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Okay, so I've been following FDS for a long time, and even before I knew about it, I still upheld many/most of the principles. I definitely had some pickme tendencies such as going back to exes who had broken up with me, but overall I think I have grown out of it. Other women tell me how impressed they are by my ability to ruthlessly cut men out of my life and move on, so I think that must mean I'm doing something right?
But, I must admit, I've been feeling really down and struggling lately. It's incredibly lonely feeling like I cannot seem to meet anyone (male or female) on my level, with my same values, interests, and energy. I can't seem to relate to anyone because I don't use social media and I don't watch television/movies. It feels like that's all everyone else does in their free time. I don't even have a couch in my apartment because it wouldn't get used. I spend my free time creating music, working out, reading/learning new things, and I have been embracing spirituality practices in more recent years.
The problem is I'm having difficulty finding friends, and I'm finding myself getting jealous of everyone else who seems to have healthy social lives. I think this is also coming to the surface now because it's almost Valentine's day and I'm a tinge jealous of all my coupled up acquaintances who seem happy. I sometimes feel like there's something wrong with me for having such high standards, like I'd be happier if I didn't? For example, one of my childhood friends (who I feel I have outgrown) told me today how she "doesn't mind making the first move" and asking a man out because she likes wearing the pants in a relationship. This makes me feel like I'm missing out on some sort of happiness because if I had the same lower standard, I wouldn't feel as disappointed by men. I hope that makes sense.
I'm sort of just venting here but I'm also looking for some encouragement and reminders why I should keep my standards high in the first place, rather than trying to manage/negotiate them due to the pressure and human need to feel connected to others. I think I'm just feeling the downside of leveling up (outgrowing people, having a harder time making quality friends) more than the positives. This is the only community that makes me feel sane.
Hi to alleviate loneliness perhaps you should get involved in the community via hobby groups. Eg u like creating music, how about getting involved in the music scene in your area? U like reading how about joining a book club? Don’t cut off all your old friends. Keep them to hang out with from time to time but don’t start talking about your values with them as they have incompatible values. If they bring ‘em up guide them to a safer topic gently. As for standards, honestly, experience is the best teacher. Reflect on your past when you may have lowered your standards for a man and then lived to regret it. Once you’ve recalled that feeling, it validates your current approach.
Part of leveling up is the isolation phase- it's lovely when you outgrow your friends. Even if someone in your friend group wants to join you, whoever moves up the slowest sets the pace. So often to level up you have to drop your entire circle of friends. It's better to drop friends instead of getting frustrated with them- they're doing the best they can, it just isn't what you want anymore
You'll make new friends when you make space for them
I leveled up in confidence. I no longer care about dating at all. I care about FDS as a mindset, more-so.
I don't have a lot of friends either, and I think it's because a) it's hard to get new friends in your 30s, period, b) our culture and civilization have made it so every human interaction we used to have is difficult to actually do, hence why so many people are depressed and anxious and lonely, in general. So I'd suggest to pick up hobbies. Lots of them.
I will say that every time I feel a twinge of jealousy at old friends who are coupled, or people I work with who are, tend to show me why I shouldn't be. It's awful out there.
I get what you mean! All my friends except one are pick mes/cool girls. They’re good friends to me But I wish I had more like minded ones. For the most part we have things in common and I love them but sometimes they can disappoint me a little with how they are and they REALLY dislike any advice I give them, as most of my advice is fds related. I do have one that I think is starting to come around but we’ll see 🤞
I think there’s already good advice in here so I can’t add much. But I think it’s normal to have friends with different thoughts , opinions, lifestyles than you as long as they aren’t too harmful.
As for feeling lonely about Valentine’s Day coming up and seeing your coupled up friends seemingly being happy, well you don’t know how their boyfriends and husbands treat them. It’s very possible they will just forget about the big day and your friends are gonna be disappointed anyway. Having a relationship doesn’t equal happiness.
fds is about levelling up and being the best versions of ourselves first and foremost and if we meet a hvm then that’s wonderful!
The women your age who seem to have “healthy social lives” are usually that way because they have malleable boundaries, low harm avoidance, and are easy prey - the vast majority of people are perpetuating patriarchy and are still living in illusions. Let them be, and worry about your own happiness and fulfillment.
I resonate with this soooo much because I've felt frustrated that I don't often meet women that have the FDS mindset, leaving me with a lot of pickmes. Fortunately, though I don't have a lot of my friends around me, I'm in touch with them and only a few of them still have the pickme mindset.
Like you, I'd like to expand my friendship of women and meet more like-minded women. I've often felt alone and worried because I don't have a lot of friends that are geographically near me, that are FDS- focussed.
Like many of the ladies said, becoming a better person willl mean that you will drop some deadweight (LV men, pickme friends, toxic family members, etc) but don't be alarmed, that's you making progress! I've also been given the advice that I need to join groups that do things I'm interested in to find women that have similar interests to me. As we've become adults, it's very hard to make friends. School helped because it grouped us with people over and over again which made us bond with people and form friendships but once you leave school, you must make an active choice to make your life interesting.
I wish there could be a FDS hangout event that happens in a different city every year or something. I'd love to meet women that are like-minded like me. It's something that should be looked into.
Anyway, know that women like you are out there and in time you'll find them. Just have faith. Just keep doing the things you need to do to become your best self. Goodness will find you!
If you're feeling lonely you're definitely leveling up. The loneliness is the hardest part of FDS. It took me a year and a half to get used to the loneliness after finding FDS. Are you able to spend more time with family and plan any yearly international trips? I coped with the incredible loneliness by spending more time with my family and I plan at least two big international trips every year. I don't feel so lonely anymore now. I was a HV friend to a lot of women but they used me as a shoulder to cry on between relationships and disappeared on and off. When I stopped reaching out, I never heard from them again. Have you tried going to Meetup events in your city? I go to meetups to get some social interaction but I now remain distant and understand that most people are acquaintances not friends. You can have social interaction and fun but also keep people at an arms length till they prove they are worthy of your friendship. I understand that you crave a deeper and genuine human connection. But also ask yourself if you are you really missing out on happiness by making the first move? Were you truly happy and was your life truly better as a pickme? Take some time to love your self as well. Go for massages, blowouts, buy yourself pretty flowers. Take yourself out to nice dinners, movies, etc. It takes a really long time but you'll get so much joy from your own peace and sanity. Wouldn't you rather be at peace than argue with a scrote till you're blue in the face about why he should do the bare minimum and treat you right?
I’m sure many of us feel you here!!! Apparently it’s lonely at the top lol! I wish I had an answer but just know that I relate to everything you have just mentioned x
There is joy on the other end of loving yourself first. It's worth having acquaintances though. I'm sensing you maybe expect friends to be 100% on your level from the get-go, but there's value in having a gym buddy, or a book club friend, or chatting with a fellow volunteer for the ASPCA or something you care about personally. You can't exactly deeply know each person as a friend from day 1, so the regular girls' time relationships grow with time.
Valentine's Day is next month, though. You might want to take a bit of time to sort out why you're prioritizing it as a special day/season because the described stress around holidays is not generally healthy.