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I am kind of worried about making this kind of thread. On Reddit and Quora, a woman who finds it difficult to be friends with another woman who is way more attractive than them, can be demonized for "insecurity."
There is someone in real life who I otherwise might have been able to be good friends with. She has a good personality, she had been very nice to me, but her personality is a little too good - I know that if I had a man, and she was sitting with me, the man would probably talk to her more than me. It saddens me deeply to admit this, since she has a man herself. I don't have any bitterness toward her per se, but I'm bitter at this scrotatious world who would make me feel invisible in her presence.
I struggle with this. As a result, I think I did a bad job of keeping in touch with her. I wish I could have focused on my own self and being my own person more, but I couldn't. On her FB, she used to Like a website devoted to women posing nude online. I don't see it on her list of Likes anymore. Either she has stopped doing it, or doesn't want to public to know that she still is.
Before anyone demonizes me for "insecurity," well such people probably do not understand how debilitating it is. I kind of know how it kind of feels to be on the other side - married women giving me the stink eye because they think I'm a so-called threat, and it's extremely offensive to be discriminated at like that, but I don't know what to do.
This is actually part of social conditioning ingrained upon us by patriarchy. Both not being comfortable with befriending women we perceive as more beautiful than us, and social scorn at this phenomenon. Just like we are criticised for other things we are conditioned and expected to do in patriarchy. You are correct to assume that it's not her actually making you hate to be around her, it's moids and their depravity. I'm not going to tell you it's OK and good to not want to be around a woman because she so happened to be more attractive to men, because it's literally our internalised misogyny speaking. But I'm not going to condemn you either. We all have our demons.
I felt “insecure” going out with my (stunning) ex-friend, men would flock to her 24/7 (she’d literally get stopped every 5 min) and I couldn’t stand the ENDLESS praise she got for her looks. Then I noticed: she’d go cold AF when I’d get an ounce of male attention and she was objectively a bad friend (despite being so sweet). E.g. tardy due to her insane beauty routine (even to go gym, and she’d wear makeup TO BED to wake up flawless to others), overly flirty with randoms, had 0 hobbies and 0 boundaries, betrayed me many times and she’d cry 24/7 about scrote BFs but refuse to do anything about it.
Turns out I felt so insecure, petty and off because my body was REJECTING her. I was turned off by her beauty because my gut was telling me her beauty was compensating for something. And I was right- she had nothing going for herself so she capitalised on her looks, “innocently” batting her lashes to get through life which I hate! It was total BEAUTY BIAS (assuming beautiful people are nicer/better). I couldn’t trust her and she put men above her friends. Not a true friend.
After cutting her out, I never felt “insecure” around prettier women. Friends that genuinely care about you will see you as an EQUAL and try lift you up. My new friends don’t look like that ex-friend but they’re all stunning: beautiful personalities and drop dead gorgeous in their own way. No jealousy issues.
This is great self awareness and accountability. That's good that you realize this a societal issue and not your friend's fault yet you're acknowledging your own reactive feelings towards this.
Any guy that pays more attention to her than you is not the one for you. If he was your man and all about you, he wouldn't be paying more attention to anyone but you, regardless of who is in the vicinity 😌
Male attention is not valuable. Never forget that. The vast majority of male attention is unwanted creepy attention. I've experienced entirely too much of that, and it's a relief to be getting less of that now that I definitely look like a grown woman, not an underage girl.
I would consider an attractive friend helpful for vetting purposes. If a guy truly would shift his focus to your attractive friend that easily, what good is he? Why would you want to keep that guy around?
It took me years to get to this point, so I don't fault you if you're not there yet, but I now see women with better qualities than me as inspiration, not competition. It gives me a kick in the pants to work on things that are within my control. That's the most useful place to put our precious energy.
To some extent we all waste energy worrying about things that we can't control. Just do your best to waste less of your energy like that. Don't be too down on yourself if it's not easy to do right away. It's a process.
Do what you can, give yourself breaks, keep at it, eventually it gets easier.
sorry but as a fat woman who was and is always the ugly one of the group since the ripe age of 8, i can CONFIRM that it has nothing to do with beauty but with personality, basically what beautiful women do with beauty. i was friends with a group of ok looking women who were thin and more attractive than me but they were kinda mean towards people with certain traits and so on, and we eventually broke off due also to to other differences. now i'm friends with beautiful girls, way prettier than the previous ones, and they are nice and welcoming and just enjoy their beauty without feeling compelled to make comparison with other women, because they are extremely personality-focused. basically an insecure average woman can be way harder to be friend with as a woman rather than a stunning woman who is not focused on competing with other women. now do i feel sad if some guys hit on them and not me? when i was young yes, because i liked males more or wanted to have a relationship, however now, after endless stories of bad relationships told by my friends, after what i have experienced and after what i've read from fds, i can tell you that i just couldn't care less about guys hitting on me and if anything i hate how crushes on men disrupt my life tbh... so you have not only to work on your perspective and self esteem (don't be the one to bring up a competitive energy with other women) but also on the people you surround with (do't engage with such women or be careful if you do). pick me women will always make you feel insecure because if you are friends with them you might end up trusting their opinion. so it's ok to stay away from women who are focused on competing on who's going to win a guy's attention, whether pretty or not, and stay around women who accept you no matter what you were born with aesthaetically and like you for what is inside you, so you reinforce the idea that there is a nice life to be lived with women and yourself and friends and children and animals and activities and hobbies... without focusing on males. #decentermen
I used to feel that way in hs and then in college I learnt that instead feeling jealous or even insecure, it would be best to compliment the girl, ask about her beauty routines and where she gets her clothes.
In that instance, your feelings of jealousy and insecurity becomes flattery and inspiration. It actually worked out in the end for me, since I got to study how their movements and style. Eventually, I found my own stride.
There’s a young adult novel that kind of helped me realize that when I was younger. It’s now a movie. It’s called “The Duff”. There’s some bs romance stuff in there but the real lesson is that everyone feels insecure about some part of their lives, but it’s important to handle in a way that doesn’t hurt yourself or others.
Wow I love this conversation, you’re all making me think.
It’s true, if your male partner pays attention to one of your friends, HE IS the problem (not her). I’m so tired of women being blamed for men’s lack of loyalty.
And the patriarchy wants us women to hate and be suspicious of each other. That’s how they keep us apart, and keep us from helping each other and pushing back against their bad behavior!
I have friends who aren’t as physically attractive as me, and some who are more. Also my daughter is stunning and is now 22, so when we’re out together I feel simultaneously proud of her and invisible, and also protective of her. It’s a weird combo. My friends inspire me in different ways, and I can appreciate their personalities & looks, while still appreciating myself and who I am.
My healthiest friends develop their minds and talents and set goals for themselves and achieve them. It’s not about their appearance. And the ones who are focused on keeping their hot body (or whatever) usually have reasons it’s a priority for them (past trauma & they use exercise as therapy).
At some point, we as women need to settle into self love. Only then can we appreciate our own uniqueness. And appreciate the uniqueness of other women.
And when scrotes hit on our hot friends (or on us), we can all laugh and roll our eyes at how clueless, low value and pathetic they are.
Let go of male approval, and a world of wonderful female friendships will open up to you. 🥰
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. My “ugly” could be your “pretty”, and vice versa. It happens a lot more than most people think; disparities in opinion can be wild.
For example, the kinds of men I find attractive are often not conventionally attractive. In fact, many of my friends have derided the looks of some of the men I’ve considered attractive. My friends’ opinions don’t matter, because I like what I like.
My point is if a man wants to be with you, he will think you are attractive (and possibly better-looking than your friend), and you will feel his attraction for you in your interactions with him. He will have eyes for you only.
Ugh, women like you made me feel shit about myself for years, for things completely outside of my control. Yes, you are insecure and obsessed with what males want and you're letting it pour onto others.