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One of the things that came a lot to mind as I did a lot of healing and growing was "there's no pride in struggling and you don't have to suffer". It's something that I've kept with me since going no contact with a family member, removing pickmes, and blocking scrotes.
"There's no pride in suffering" applies to relationships and dating to be clear.
There's no pride in:
- skipping holidays and traditions you love
- faking to like a low effort gift
-pretending that you aren't disappointed in his cooking, cleaning, or his performance in bed
- faking an orgasm or exagerrating sexual pleasure
- making him a chore chart or yelling at him to pick up after himself around the house
- packing a grown man's lunches every day or other things that are for little kids
- being ignored by a grown man that's glued to video games
- having to settle for cheap dates
-having to do the legwork
-being breadcrumbed and dealing with a lazy texter
- being stood up, canceled on at the last minute, or him baiting and switching
- taking him shopping, picking out his outfits
- having to pack your own overnight bag with toiletries because he doesn't have anything
- crying when he didn't get you anything for your birthday
- being negged ex "your makeup looks bad" or "that jacket is not your color" or "you're a little too dressed up"
- being ignored or ditched when he's having fun at the event or with his bros
- being all dressed up for a date and he looks like a complete slob (I see this all the time)
- going halfsies with him or paying for him to "prove your worth"
- overworking and overextended yourself to "keep him" and "make him like you"
- being his free therapist or emotional punching bag because he doesn't respect you
- dealing with a man that is pornsick, has ED
- acting cool or snapping because he's too friendly with other women, uses porn, and oogles other women
- questioning if he actually loves you
- having lowered self esteem from him
- dealing with his family or friends being rude or passive aggressive with you (MILs especially!) and he does nothing about it
......
I could go on and on but these are just some of the many things that are not worth the struggle and suffering.
Love is not a struggle. There is NO PRIZE for sucking any of that up!
Tell yourself these things: you are a woman who is deserving of nice things. You work hard. You've overcome a lot. You are strong, beautiful, and capable. You deserve real love. Remember that love won't have you struggling, questioning, confused, disappointed, frustrated, broke, or angry. Love is understanding, respect, healthy boundaries, and looking out for each others best interest. It isn't scraping, pleading, hoping for a miracle or a change, arguing, violence, or settling. You are a whole person and YOU have the power to walk away from anything that causes strife and struggle in your relationships. You exist, you take-up space, you deserve to be comfortable and happy.
People that have hurt you, made you question things all the time and doubt yourself, people that kept you confused and lost.... they are not worth having romantic relationships or friendships with. No contact with a family member who was verbally abusive to me was a hard decision because I had wanted to have a relationship with them in the worst way.... they were family..... and I wanted to feel loved. Everything said family member would appear or bump into me I was gaslit, negged, or deliberately embarassed by them.... and I was left even more hurt and confused! Enough was enough and I went no contact and then laid down boundaries with other family members who questioned me. Going no contact was a massive milestone in my own healing as well as leveling up. It's like this: would you allow a weed to overtake your beautiful garden? The weeds will suck nutrients from the beautiful flowers and takeover the whole garden - the longer the weed is there the bigger it gets with deeper roots so it also gets harder to remove over time.
You are not selfish, snobby, entitled, spoiled, prudish, or a primadonna for prioritizing yourself. You should be prioritizing yourself (they always say you can't pour from an empty cup).
Just because you've seen others struggle or people that suck it up and force themselves to smile doesn't mean you have to .... just because others settle and struggle doesn't mean you have to. Why in hell would anyone that supposedly cares about you want you to struggle and scrape by?
Life is short and it's already hard enough in other areas. You don't need any extra struggles - walk the moment it starts to feel like a struggle.
This is a powerful post I can relate to so much. I went no contact with my whole family a year ago and my mother three years ago. There was a lot to process in this experience and to practice no gaslighting myself after being the scapegoat of a dysfunctional family for a lifetime it is hard to acdept yourself and what you deserve. i am now making progress and am marrying the love of my life and making a life a can be proud of that no one will discount or talk down to me about, I have friends and a community who value me and that is enough for me.
Agree so hard with everything in this post. This fucking martyr complex shit needs to DIE. Being a good person and martyring yourself are not the same thing.
Cutting contact with my narcissistic parents after my oldest was born was the single best gift I ever gave myself. It also worked very handily to weed out the pretenders and other toxics in my family who never asked for my side of the story, never bothered to contact me after I made that heartbreaking but necessary choice, and stood idly by pretending not to notice when my parents abused my siblings and me when we were children.
It hasn't been easy and people with loving parents will never, ever understand. I've been harshly judged many times for not having my parents in my life, so I usually just say that they are dead. As the few relatives who stayed in my life and supported me have slowly aged and passed away over the years, life has gotten a little bit lonelier, although this is tempered by having my precious children and a warm, strong circle of good friends. But nothing could be lonelier than having toxic people in your life tearing away at your soul, piece by piece, while pretending to the outside world that they are loving and kind. You are better off alone than surrounded by evil.
I hope you do something nice for yourselves today, ladies. You deserve it.
Going no contact with family members or relatives for valid reasons is so so underrated. It is one of the best decisions any woman can ever make. Equivalent to cure for cancer. We are so conditioned to adjust to and maintain family relations because it is a woman's job or something, that initially it feels uncomfortable to pull it off. But once you make peace, man that's a burden you are happy to throw in he gutter
The law of reversed effort
Here, here! I am so glad I get to be single and living in peace during the holiday season. I always see so many unhappy couples gathering around this time of the year and I'm glad I get to be the happy-go-lucky single gal enjoying herself and not have to worry about some scrote.