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I know I should be grateful for what I have but instead I cry daily and have thoughts about suicide and I don't know what's wrong with me. Sometimes I cry involuntarily on public transport or at work and it's so embarassing. I hate being lonely and just wish I was important to someone and had friends who actually cared about me. I've tried several therapists and none of them really helped.
There are so many things I should be happy about. I recently graduated university with a high GPA. I have a job I enjoy. I'm starting grad school soon for a field I'm really passionate about with a great scholarship. I have a good relationship with my parents too and I have two cats that love me. I have a lot of hobbies and interests I'm passionate about but nothing fills the void of feeling like no one except my immediate family members actually care about me. If I died, no one would even miss me. There are so many people I care about and admire and would love to be friends with but I have to constantly hold back from showing affection because it's never reciprocated. I don't know how to stop caring about people even if they don't care about me.
I didn't make any real friends in 4 years of university. To be fair, one year was online because of COVID but I still had a lot of opportunities to make friends and people just don't like me. There are two girls who I really thought I would end up being good friends with because we had so many interests in common but they go long periods of time without replying to my texts. I've planned out things with them weeks in advance before only to have them cancel last minute. If they do show up to something, they're usually late and don't really seem sorry about it. And they never initiate plans. There was also this group of people I thought I was friends with but they never invite me to anything and always post pics without me. Also I feel like if I stopped texting them, they would just never talk to me again.
Also when I talk to people, I mostly focus on asking them questions about their life and listening to them carefully but they're literally on their phones if I try talking about myself and they never ask me anything because I'm just not cool or interesting to them. I remember things about what they like but I swear none of these people even know what my favourite colour is and if I told them, they would literally forget so why bother?
I guess when I was little I never thought I would grow up to feel this lonely and miserable. I thought I'd have close friends who I'd be willing to die for who would do the same for me and also share a lot of interests and values with me. But none of that ever happened despite my best efforts to make friends.
also, I don't give a shit about finding a partner. If friends disappoint me this much then a partner would literally ruin my whole life.
Are you me? I too made only a couple of friends who are HVW in undergrad. But somehow, my efforts to keep the friendship was never reciprocated. So I've gone silent too- I'm not going to chase at all. Oh well, their loss. Now, I try to focus on staying true to my values and finding fulfilling work that aligns with me. I hope this will lead me naturally towards women who are similar to me and who can recognize the importance of women banding together into strong communities. Until then, spaces like this can offer the much needed support
Please take care of yourself. It cannot hurt to seek counselling or further support.
I too struggled to make friends at a similar time in my life (but now in my 30s I have a wonderful network of friends---it gets better!). I found that Vanessa Van Edwards videos on socialising really helped, and the FDS podcast on "Building Your Girl Gang" too. It takes time to make friends, and is something a lot of women on here have struggled with. It takes time to find your tribe and hone your social skills (especially if neurodiverse, like me). Take care 💗
I've been through similar tough times when it comes to feeling like I had no friends. Right down to people I thought were my friends not bothering to get back to me, flaking out when we had plans, and leaving me out of their plans. Yeah, it's hurtful. I eventually stopped texting those people and they did never talk to me again.
But you know what? That wasn't the end of the world. I went on to meet more people. Like you, I wanted a really close group of friends I can do everything with. I had to learn to relax and realize that a lot of people I meet are just going to be acquaintances, and that's okay, acquaintances can be fun to do things with, too.
I even got some career-boosts from more than one woman I'm only acquainted with, so don't knock acquaintances, they can bring a lot more into your life than you might think.
Expecting a small number of people to be my "bestest of friends that I do everything with" wasn't realistic. Now I have different acquaintance groups I do different types of stuff with.
I volunteer, I join activity groups I'm interested in, I go through a lot of awkward getting-to-know-people phases. Over time I've gotten to know a few people better.
At least one person would even consider me her close friend. And I feel the same about her. Before the pandemic, we ran into each other at two different groups, and it was like "hey it's you again! What are the odds?" The chances of that type of thing happening goes up the more you get out there.
It's not like I instantly got myself the super tight-knit friend-group of my dreams. I still would love to have a girl gang. But I appreciate what I do have. I went from having no friends to getting to the point now where there definitely are people who would miss me if anything happened to me.
It can be hard to make friends as an adult! And it sounds like the ‘friends’ you have made are making you feel even lonelier. You mentioned you’ll be starting a grad program; maybe there you’ll find like-minded people who share your interests. This book I’ve been meaning to read myself may offer comfort and/or practical tips: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/you-will-find-your-people_9781419762567/
Have you been tested for any vitamin deficiencies? Because I feel that way when my b12 is low. P
Hi OP, I'm sorry that you been treated badly. But I am glad you are here, living. You said your parents love you, that's such a sweet relationship to have. I find that the easiest ways to make friends is to strike a conversation with multiple people. Be bold and go out of your way. While I do think that you shouldn't chase people to hang out with you, I find that putting our egos aside and making the first move with female friends or aquaitences is good. There have been multiple times where my friends had decided to back out or they were hesitant to meet up but I pushed for it. At the end, they landed up going out and told me they had such a good time and were glad that I pushed them to come. I have to say that my friends are in no way bad friends, instead they have bad days. When we hang out they're never on their phones or anything hence I don't mind going out of my way to make plans with them. If you find someone interesting, go out of your way once or twice then back down.
Also idk if you're spiritual but my faith literally keeps me from spiralling, so if that's something u want to do, perhaps start asking for any higher power to show you that you're loved.
I could have written this post. Believe me I understand every single word, including longing for friends over partners. If I had just one wish it would be not having to feel this lonely. And then I keep going back and forth between "it's all me, I'm unlovable" and "society is utterly fucked".
You are not alone. I’ve experienced this for most of my life. I fortunately have great friends and always have but I’ve had to let go of some people I thought were my friends for the same reasons you mentioned - they hardly kept in touch or initiated hang outs. I made more of the effort to keep in touch and meet to do things. After a while, I stopped messaging them and they never messaged me.
I’ve had girls I thought were my friends exclude me from things and I’ve experienced a lot of jealousy and competitiveness from so-called friends who I championed and cared for. I’ve had to cut many people off while some distanced themselves from me. One friend I had from uni visits my city often to see friends she has here but never gets in touch with me. When we’ve spoken or met up, it’s always been because I get in touch with her. She too has been cut off because she clearly could make time to call or see me but chooses not to. A friend I last saw in 2007 invited me to her wedding in 2018 that was to take place in 2019. I flew from my country to hers, took another flight to her city then took a 2-hour car ride to the resort her wedding was being held at. You would've thought we were mere acquaintances when she saw me. There was little to no excitement from her while I was super happy to see her after not seeing her for 12 years. I regretted coming all that way for someone who acted like I was nobody special. Once I flew back to my city, I never heard from her and we've not been in touch.
I don't know what is but I've noticed that when you move away from a place and lose contact with old friends, in the event that you meet again, in-person or online, they hardly seem interested in catching up and reconnecting.
I’ve come to understand that having a big group of girlfriends is actually a rarity. Very few women will have it because a lot of women compete with each other over men. As we get older, lots of women will continue to prioritise getting with a man (usually a LV one seeing as the majority of men are) than creating new friendships or fostering old ones. A lot of women are pickmes who compete with other women for men which results in them breaking up their friendships. I've seen women lose their best friend because they liked a guy who happened to like their best friend.
I do fortunately have a good group of friends but I’m always open to make friends with other HV women. I have decided to continue to focus on being the best version of myself. In time, that will attract HV women to me and I know that it’ll happen for you too. Like attracts like so keep levelling up and you’ll find women who are in the same headspace as you. ✨✨✨
Hey, I’m sorry you’re feeling so down. Re friendship I found postgrad to be very good for socialising. Like with everything it takes time and effort to find your tribe so to speak. These people aren’t right for you, and it’s not an indictment on your loveability so try not to take it personally if you can.
I wonder if you could relax a bit and not put so much pressure on what you expect out of people it will make it easier for them to connect to you? Sometimes without even meaning to people pick up on your need to have a deep relationship and it might put them off (nothing wrong with wanting close friendships but these things take time).
Also with the therapists I think you should keep trying until you find one you click with. It takes a bit of shopping around.
You sound like you have a lot to offer and a lot going for you. It’s a lonely world out there but keep at it and you’ll eventually build the connections you need. Good luck! I am rooting for you.
Andalitecomputer, listen to me. There is nothing wrong with you. The problem is that people are awful and terrible. This is what they're like. This is what years of culture, socialization and industrialization have done to an entire species of creatures on our planet, exacerbated by social media which has made people hate having genuine human interactions, and made them only capable of the fake, scripted kind of interactions they see online.
The problem is not yours to fix. You have good reason to be upset. The problem is that people have become really selfish, disconnected from each other, and out for themselves. No amount of counselling is going to fix that (in you) because you can't fix it. And no you do not have a fucking vitamin deficiency.
You might be able to find solace and sympathy in a lot of writers, artists, and philosophers who lament all of the above. Try Jean Paul Sartre, Sylvia Plath, or Picasso as a start. Look to writers and artists from places, usually in the Eastern hemisphere, that have had a lot of bad stuff happen. Their outlook is totally different and they don't feel this Western pressure to be happy all the time. They know that life can be shit and fearlessly explore the reality of that theme.
People are horrible and they've always been so. All of you, stop telling this woman she needs to fix something about herself. The rest of the world knows that she is normal. Now you're all horrible too.