The damage done by pickme mothers

I remember dating a guy whose mom (probably 50-something) hadn't seen her maid of honour since her wedding 25 years before. It's like women were just expected to drop friends.

It irks me that this still happens. Women exposed to every modern idea but suddenly becomes 1950s crumb maiden. Giving up great careers because she discovered he had no intention of doing anything after the baby was born. Exhausted mentally and physically, she gives up. The mothers who seem puzzled when their sons become lazy entitled men. "I had plenty of talks about equality and consent!" But has forgotten it's about actions. She's waiting on the men hand and foot. Son can't possibly do anything around the house as he has studies and sports! The daughter has these things but somehow she's expected to do a lot around the house as well as care for younger siblings or nieces/nephews. I feel for the women who truly believed they'd have an equal relationship, that started out that way, and once she became vulnerable in some way he checked out of his fair share.

I would like to think that most pickme mothers are harder on the girls because they know how privileged the men are However, most of the time they perpetuate this same treatment when it comes to the men of the family At least some of us see the reality but as they say diamonds are made under pressure

My mom, after leaving a years long job at an electronics company, was given a going away party. She brought home a glass coffee mug that "the guys in etching" had made for her.

The word on the mug (artfully rendered) was "sexy."

I was about 15 and even then I cringed. After she died and I went through her things I smashed that mug. That didn't stop the impact of growing up with a pickme mom.

To her credit she was always ambivalent. She was the eldest daughter in a sea of siblings of an Italian immigrant family - she would bitch about the unfairness of her older brother always getting royal treatment and all the work she had to do in the family. Her advice to me about men growing up was "men only want one thing." And being a single working mom she'd bitch about the unfair salary treatment at work. So I was partially insulated; but the focus on clothes and grooming worked against that.

I don't blame her. I used to. Now I think she was just trying to survive in a slanted, misogynistic world.

Even where I’m from the daughters are always gossiped about, boy breaks law and is lazy all day nobody cares but if a girl has been smoking legal weed then the whole neighbourhood knows about it. I even distanced myself from family members who do the same. its one of the reasons why I don’t want to breed a son, they are like this because society never hold men accountable. Rejection killing? Oh she probably led him on, school shooting becuase a woman said no to prom? Oh she probably rejected him harshly. Acid attacks because the girl said no? oh she was probably a bitch,

I don’t like men one bit. A woman only country would solve 99% of all problems.

I'm from a culture where in the rural areas, people still live like they did 200 years ago. I grew up with a mother just like that, and my grandmother was even worse. Multiple generations of the wellbeing of girls being sacrificed so that men can feel important has taken a toll on us, and I'm the only one who sees it. So I understand. From all of the pressure to "give him a chance" and enter a loveless marriage and being told I'm "too harsh" any time I criticized a man, to all of the times I felt like my only purpose in life was to attract any man, to all of the times they made beauty rituals and unpaid labor seem like some Best Woman Contest, it was all really traumatic. They put so many stupid ideas in my head that I'm still unlearning. I had a negative view of my body, my self-worth, etc. and I still am shedding those feelings.

I don't really view them as victims, anymore, because a lot of the ways that they sacrificed me were unacceptable and there isn't an excuse for them. Both of them lived in a Western country where women have basic rights and can divorce and live independently for long enough to do something with their lives, but they didn't, and continued to judge women who did. "Can you believe American women send their husbands to the grocery store and expect them to cook at home?" Yes, auntie, I do. And they all seem better off for it.

Thanks. I fee this so much cuz my mom had a pick me mom and turned into a pick me mom who fucked with my self esteem. I’m so grateful for FDS and Level Up strategy cuz I would be pickme supreme without em.

*fistbumps in solidarity*

I think the biggest things my pick-me mom/female relatives taught me that I had to work hard to unlearn:

- The idea that women have to put their life goals and desires on the back-burner for the men (but not the other way around) - The idea that I should be "grateful" when any man who meets the bare minimum (if even that) shows interest in me

- The idea that the emotional health of the relationship is the sole burden of the woman because men are just not as emotionally clued in and relationship-oriented as women. I used to ignore or dismiss subtle red flags that would turn out to matter a lot down the road, because I'd internalized this idea that men could do no wrong (unless it was outright cheating and/or abuse) and that those red flags are just them being "innocently dumb" and I just need to cOmMuNiCaTe!!! - The idea that my work and female friendships are """naturally"" supposed to take a backseat to my future husband. It's one thing to simply say that priorities shift if you choose to get married and have children. However, many of my female relatives barely meet up with their friends (I don't think my mom even really has any??) and they don't even talk on the phone or communicate through other mediums more than once every few months. Thankfully, this is one I never really internalized. I've always deeply valued and put effort into my female friendships and at this point in my life, I am confident this will not change. I'm currently engaged -- even if my life changes drastically after kids (esp. while they're still super young), I value them enough to at least shoot them a text or hop on FaceTime a few times a month.