Self-harm scars

Never thought of it that way. But you’re right. It’s a good way to weed the LVM out. Most of the men I have dated have gotten weirded out or uncomfortable. And they have questions, which if I am answering them honestly, I will disclose information I am not ready to give… hopefully a man will see them as part of my story, something I am working on myself. To be proud, that in spite of a bad teenager period, I am successful thriving… I am trying to put the shame away, but curious and condescending looks still is getting to me. Thank you for replying, it really helped 🤗

Good! I once had someone go “OH MY GOD what happened to you!!?” when buying coffee at a gas station. I simply said “I went through a bad time; they’re self-inflicted.”

We’re not obligated to educate people, but I’ve learned how unaware most people are of self-harm and why people do it, so if teaching moments come up, at this point I just grab on and go with it.

As far as the stares…try your best to ignore. If they have something to say, they can use their words.

Yes… it’s sad how people view self-harm. A cry for attention etc…

I let people stare sometimes. And just meet their eyes when they look back up. But in a bad day, I want to be left alone, and not indirectly reminded of something happened almost 20 years ago. Thank you, nice to hear from someone in the same position

Thank you. I think there are a lot of nice tattoos. But I feel I am going against who I truly am if I get one. Because the only reason to get on, is to cover up the scars for other people. It doesn’t feel right.

That is totally fair enough. This is probably one of the most psychologically healthy responses I have ever seen. It’s incredibly powerful that you are fully choosing to learn to accept yourself, relying on internal validation rather than external sources of validation.

I don’t know your story, but this is so beautiful to read from a therapeutic standpoint. This is what doing the work looks like. Your scars are a part of you. They don’t define who you are, but they show that you survived.

I just hope that my potential dates will not see it as a sign of weakness, which is my concern. Because it’s says something about my 17 year old self, but nothing about my present 35 year old self…

Anyone eager to judge you based on your teen years doesn't have good intentions for you- it says more about them than it does about you

Thanks for mentioning micro needling. I’d like to minimize the appearance of mine and I appreciate the suggestion

That is true. Its a nice way of reframing how I think about the scars. LV people will judge, so it’s a helpful vetting strategy.

It’s nice to hear I am not the only one. Feels like I am the only one with this problem sometimes!

I have dated guys who have asked, and I have felt their attitude towards me change after they have seen it. It has made me very self aware and uncomfortable. But I think I need to work on my strength, and not internalize those kinds of situations. It says something about them, not me.

Ugh that’s an awful experience and I’m sorry those no value losers made you feel self conscious. You’re right that it’s a reflection of them and not of you. My hope is that we can continue to grow in our self love and acceptance and become stronger for our struggles💙

I know someone who had wrist surgery and the surgical scar looks JUST like a self-harm scar. So there you go.

I have never had anyone be intrigued or interested in a positive way about my scars. Mostly I have heard from guys “oh, I can hardly see the scars” or “Wow, you don’t have much stretch marks”. It is making me feel that I have to strive to have the least amount of stretch mark, and that my scars have to be as invisible as possible. It’s is a bit stressful. The so called compliments makes me anxious about not getting more stretch marks and making the scars even less visible. If only I could have someone that could actually like the scars, see it as a part of me, see it as a victory - because it did cost me pain to get them. But I am afraid that is an utopia.

Yeah, sadly, society rarely rewards anything that doesn't conform to its norms, and it doesn't place as much value on overcoming struggles that are not "glamorous" and where you don't come out more conventionally beautiful or richer at the end. I know it's incredibly hard, but try to not let it get to you. The right man, and the right friends for that matter, will like your scars because they are unique to you and tell your story. As I said, I personally see them as signs of victory and survival. They don't need to be "pretty" to have value. I don't get the obsession with pristine bodies, we all carry marks of having lived (and suffered). People who only desire fresh, blank slates are superficial and their opinion should not concern you. There might be few men who think like this, but that doesn't matter. You only allow people to get close if they meet the completely reasonable requirement of being empathetic and not making your insecurities worse. Don't frame it like you're being deficient somehow and therefore less "likable", frame it as a failing of other people that they're not able to really see and appreciate you for who you are.