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Hey guys! This is my first post here. I’m usually a lurker but I wrote out quite a lengthy comment on a post that seems to have been deleted before I could post my comment. However, I think my comment might be useful to women who are struggling with quitting porn and kink so I decided to upload it as a full post! Hopefully, someone can benefit from this!
How to quit porn/kink:
First, abstinence is key. Your body has been conditioned to react to unhealthy stimuli, you will not be able to deprogram yourself while reinforcing that stimuli (ie by fantasising about abuse while masturbating)
Second, you need to remove all triggers that can disrupt your progress. Track your unhealthy habits. Do you watch BDSM pornography on your phone, in the bedroom? Make a rule that no phones are allowed in bedroom so temptation is never near. Does seeing certain images on social media trigger your BDSM fantasies? Purge your social media or quit it entirely! Masturbate to abuse when you’re bored? Go out of your way to make sure you’re not bored! Attend classes, pack your schedule, spend time in public places (eg libraries) where temptation is far.
Thirdly, reinforce your commitment to your values. You understand how bdsm is destructive for women, that men who engage in bdsm do so because they genuinely enjoy hurting women. You understand that your health, safety and future happiness depends on avoiding these dangerous ideologies that serve only men. Immerse yourself in these ideas. Read anti-porn, anti-kink feminist works/follow advocates on social media. Read harrowing news articles about how a woman died after her male sex partner choked her to death. Keep a list of articles/videos/posts that shock and horrify you and pull them out whenever you feel tempted.
Fourthly, as you distance yourself from porn/kink, you’ll naturally discover non-abusive stuff that you find sexy. That’s a great sign. Take note of these things. They may not be enough at first, so don’t force it and just stick to abstinence but as you go along your journey, it will get better and one day it’ll be enough. More than enough.
Lastly, give yourself grace. You may screw up, relapse or whatever on your journey. Know that it may happen, but never view it as inevitable. In genuinely striving to deprogram yourself, you are already making progress. As long as you continue to put in the effort, you are further along your journey then when you have started. And it may be bumpy journey, but I know you can make it through. And when you do, you’ll be so much happier and stronger for it❤️
All the best! I’m rooting for you x
The original post you are commenting to is the following, and it was me who wrote it. I deleted it because I was ashamed but with such a lenghty and well thought comment I can't keep it to myself (It was still saved in my notes on my phone). It will give context to your post. Here we go:
Please don't ban me, I need your support more than ever. Just remove the post if this isn't allowed. I just deleted a maledom themed blog on bdsmlr, a bdsm and fetish microblogging platform. I couldn't stand the hypocrisy of writing both here on FDS and there on bdsmlr.
I understand only now how abusive most of the content that is uploaded and reblogged there is, and how pornsick I am myself. There is this myth of it being fine as long as it is bewteen consenting adults, while most women who fall into it aren't really able to give an informed consent, free from external pressures and mental illnesses. It's packed full of traumatized, broken women who are completely brainwashed. I know, because I was one of them.
You really see the worst men have to offer on that website. I understand now that this is not just an innocuous game they play in the bedroom. This is how they really think about women. It's mindblowing how many blogs there have "abuser" or "woman hater" or variations of these in their name. And for some reason it's considered wrong to "kinkshame" them. What they call aftercare should be called trauma bonding.
I told a man I was chatting with there that I wasn't in the mood because I was suicidal and he still asked for nudes. I was chatting with another man who simply told me laughing that he wasn't into consensual kink, he was a real abuser, and he didn't need to hide it because broken girls like me appreciated it. Just a couple examples out of many.
I don't want to contribute to young women (and young men) seeing degrading porn and normalizing kinky sex anymore. I don't want to contribute to the exploitation and objectification of women. I don't want to contribute to violence against women.
Unfortunately I only manage to orgasm when imagining myself getting abused, but this is not the life I want for myself. I'll practice total abstinence, even from masturbation, until my issues are solved. I hope I'll manage to rewire my brain after all these years of abusive porn, which by the way might be one of the many causes of my vaginismus (my body knows what's best for me and is protecting me from what it sees as something inherently dangerous and violating: sex).
I agree with QueenCollett. Trauma therapy should be on the list, even should be one of the first and ongoing step to follow until resolved.
I'm not judging but curious to know how you became BDSM or abusive sex? Did it stem from a male experience. If you don't want to say, it's ok. I'm not asking details, just generally.
I used to be porn sick but learning about the unethical side of the industry killed all desire for me. I won’t go into detail since many are already aware and the info is out there. It’s truly sickening. Knowing every time I clicked a link meant I was supporting the exploitation of women, girls, and minors soured the experience for me permanently. Knowledge is power and life is better on the other side.
I'm so glad you shared this because these are the type of actions I took to let go of an addiction to hook up culture. My whole mind was wrapped around it in my teens and early 20's and I lost so much of myself because of it. It's been years now and I wouldn't consider myself "healed" but rather more connected to a truer idea of my sexuality and as a result I no longer feel pressured to give in to men who want to use and abuse my body in exchange for a crumb of pleasure.
All this but also trauma therapy. Kink is abuse and being abused is trauma. Even watching it is traumatizing. Understand that it's a drug and getting sober alone rarely works. The opposite of addiction is connection.