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Preface: I am getting therapy, and this is an ongoing issue but I'd love your thoughts.
My therapist wants me to admit to myself that my first relationship was abusive even though I still mostly cringe when I describe it as such even now. She says that I need to get used to acknowledging the physical abuse that I class as minimal because I feel like I have to add that description as though it makes more sense that way.
It's so confusing because my first boyfriend had many great qualities but the one thing that everything bad stemmed from was him being controlling. I admit, I also suffered from poor self-esteem, which resulted from a mixture of the path the relationship took after a year together and physical and emotional abuse that I suffered as a child, so I let him get away with pushing my boundaries and would then enforce them.
We got into this toxic cycle of him doing things again after we discusssed the issue or not getting how to treat me well in the first place and regretting hurting me, to him expecting me to just be okay because he's changed now. However, I couldn't just turn my feelings off until I truly felt healed and so they'd creep up again and we'd fight and hurt each other and I'd feel so bad while at the same time also feel like I'm a bad person for making him rethink over what he's done and making him feel like a bad person who has to try hard to change them.
I know the last bit stems from my poor self-esteem from the time but I was really triggered by Love Is Blind and all the hate Zenab is getting for wanting a real apology and going for it. I just really stand by needing to hear a real apology before moving on and yet I feel like such a bad person when I've hurt someone else, even if I feel that they have caused the situation.
I guess because the holidays are approaching, memories are flooding back and I'm still feeling like what if I was the bad person? What if I was the toxic one? I know we all play our parts and I'm trying to forgive myself for not being my best self but I struggle every now and then.
Hello, fellow abuse survivor here. It's not your fault. It's very common for victims, who are usually empathetic (that's why we stay in these situations for so long, seeing the abuser's humanity), to blame themselves. You also project your good qualities on the abuser.
Write down a list of all the abusive things he did. And a list of the so called abuse you've perpetuated. Then, if there's anything at all in your list, read about "reactionary abuse" and analyze your actions. I bet that if you did anything at all (unlikely, as an abuser would 100% RUN at the first rebellious act of their victim)--it was a reaction to HIS abuse.
Sending my compassion, you are not alone. You'll get through it. Try to imagine your future self and have a conversation with her. Ask her to assure you that you'll heal. You'll heal.
Most of the time, it's the male who starts the toxic cycle, and women get caught up on it. Just remember, "Nobody who deserves a 2nd chance would ever do anything to make you need to give them one." Apologies are overrated, anyway. How many men do you know of who are truly capable of seeing what they're doing wrong and then stopping that same behavior? I don't know any.
1. I'm so proud of you for seeking therapy and escaping that abuse cycle. Yes, it will be hard admitting that your relationship was abusive because you were so deep in love. Nobody wants to admit that the person they love is abusive because it comes with a lot of disappointment and triggers. 2. Some men are manipulative af. They might seem HV at first or have some "HV" qualities here and there but are abusive behind closed door. Sadly, many women fell for that trap. I suffered from low self esteem and childhood traumas too that led to being in abusive relationships. I have been there so I understand. It's good that you're aware of the causes and how you let the traumas took over and let people pushed your boundaries. 3. MANIPULATION!!!!!!! Abusive people do that a lot. You're not a bad person! He gaslighted you. 4. Holidays can be hard because people tend to spend it with the one they love. The person you should love and spend the holidays with is YOURSELF.