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Ladies. A vent.
Sorry, if I’m sharing too much. I’m just a wee nervous and venting here feels safe and helps.
I believe I talked about this before and it’s been said on here as well, but it bears repeating. Most men (gay or straight) are incapable of being a true friend to women. They want you for emotional labor and that is all. If you ask for a favor, that doesn’t make them the hero, they suddenly are too busy.
I’m having open heart surgery in April. I sent out a group text asking for help before and after surgery. I’m very tired and weak, and physically limited. My husband is working 7 days a week to give us a cushion while I’m out of work, so he’s limited as well. And this is what family and friends are for, correct? These are all people who offered to help, “if you need anything, let me know”.
Every single man on that list (1 gay/1 straight and married) and my brother, gave excuses. I sent this text out 2 months ago and they literally can not find an hour or 2 to come lay eyes on me before major surgery.
See, we are constantly told by men, “I’m not a mind-reader, so be explicit about your needs”, but that’s a lie. If you’re explicit, you’re being too needy, and shouldn’t expect so much. If your implicit, you’re being passive aggressive. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
Let me tell you what all the women have offered and done:
take me out (lunch, a walk, a pedicure) to get my mind off it.
Sent meals (both homemade and meal kits)
Offers to help organize, clean, cook.
Offers to be the organizer of the helpers (women think of everything), so I’m not overwhelmed.
And, my best friend came over last week and helped me get ready for Passover (she’s an atheist, but help me regardless) and after we were done cleaning, her husband came over with Vietnamese (my favorite).
My hairdresser squeezed me in for weekly hair washes (I can’t lift my arms over my head for 6 weeks and my hair is wild, curly, thick).
My Jewish community - well, they’re just the bees knees, and have been checking on me weekly with offers to help. My Rabbi (woman), my therapist (woman), and my PCP (woman) have been on the ready for me, if I start to lose my shit. And, finally all the woman educators that I work with are working hard to organize rides for my students to visit me post-op.
This morning, the one guy friend who eventually offered to caulk my tub, (they will not do anything unless they’re the best at it, and come away looking manly for saving the damsel in distress), so I agreed bc it needs to be done. He’s supposed to come today. I got a text this morning - “my morning opened up, ok if I roll to (my street name) at 09:30 or 10:00? Also, we did not talk about this but, would you be able to reimburse me for the cost of the supplies for the bathtub job?”
Ya’ll - seriously !!!! No, we didn’t talk about it bc if we did, I would have laughed in his face. This is a man who had me on the ready for his mental health challenges (I used to be a social worker), instead I responded, “don’t need you today, something came up (him being a fucking petty asshole). What’s your Venmo?
And, it’s not the money, it’s the principle. If he genuinely couldn’t afford caulk, I would have offered. That’s not the reason. He feels put off, and wants to recoup that because he’s not putting any money out for someone he’s not fucking - they barely want to pay for women they are fucking.
I’m trying to tie this neatly into it being a strategy, so it’s not just useless venting, so FDS, please, save yourself the mental anguish — men, even ones that seem HV, are NOT capable of being friends with women. There is ALWAYS some underlying misogyny. It may not come out right away, and it may be years/decades until you actually need them, and they’re not there, and the excuse is absolute bullshit.
If men can’t fuck you, they want something else, and they’re not going to be your friend, unless they’re getting that something. Yes, there are exceptions to the rule, like a guy friend you shared a playpen with and see as a brother…actually no, fuck that because the moment he goes through puberty, you get put into the spank bank. Never mind - they all suck.
Im so grateful that I’ve made it my mission to surround myself with fierce ass kicking women!!! AND, I'm so proud that I feel zero guilt about blocking and deleting this scrote. He can go elsewhere for emotional support OR he can pay 100/hour.
Also, Please, this is so important, make sure before you consider finding a partner to settle down with, surrounded yourself with solid women friends first!!
A few years ago when my brother died, whom I was very close to, I had tons of support from my women friends. Got sent lots of gifts and flowers and received lots of emotional support.
My male "friends" just one by one started asking me out. One even sent me a porn clip a month after my brother's death. I asked him why. He said he thought I would think it was funny. That's when I really started to wake up and cut men out of my life. They all pounced as soon as the male they saw as my protector, maybe even owner, was gone.
It takes a village to live a good life. It's amazing that you have this kind of support and you're really lucky to have it, I hope you know that. I certainly wouldn't in your shoes. Yes, men suck, but don't just take for granted that all women are this amazing and supportive. A lot of people in general are just selfish and avoidant and want to mind their own business. I've tried to surround myself with "kickass strong women" but it's never worked out in the way you're describing. So surrounding oneself with women and decentering men, while it's a good start, it's not enough in my experience to build this kind of support network. A lot of it comes down to circumnstances, luck, location, social skills, and other variables I haven't figured out. This for the strategy. Anyway, I'm really glad that you have this much support around you. You deserve it. Feel the love, deeply, I hope that feeling will help carrying you through this extremely challenging experience. Sending light your way.
Ps. Fuck those scrotes
I dealt with platonic friendships. They don’t want to be my friend actually. They just want the wife privilege on discount.
Rant away. Well deserved after you have such a scary situation where you’ll be vulnerable. Men are meant to be protecters, but that’s not what they want to do. They want people to cheer and praise them for even THINKING about doing something kind, then they move the goal posts.
What a shame. Not surprising, but still a disappointment.
Moments like this are how we know who our true friends are. When you're feeling better, you can cull the herd.
Don't pay for the caulking, just get someone else to do it. He's going to do a shitty job and you'll have to get it fixed. He shouldn't ask for a penny. My neighbour is putting my lights in and he paid for the dimmer and wouldn't let me pay him back.
Glad to hear you've got a supportive group of women around you. Strong community support makes all the difference during times like these.
We're thinking of you and your speedy recovery!
Thanks for this. I think it’s very true - men are easy to befriend because they’re trying to sleep with you. That is always their motivation. I’m focusing on being a good friend to my female friends while also being discerning about who I let into my circle.
Interestingly the ones I am closest to are actually women in their mid 20s. I am in my early 30s. Many older women I know are still stuck in a certain mindset where they would rather kick other women down because of some fucked up brainwashing. Like their male boomer counterparts, they ascribe the worst motivations to women.
Example: I once mentioned to my mother in law how lovely it is for single mothers to be able to live together in a ‘mommune’ - that it must be so supportive compared to being a maid for their dead weight ex husbands. She said, “I wouldn’t like that. It would just be a nest full of bitchy women.”
This is a woman who had a useless, sexist and emotionally abusive ex husband plus three useless and sexist sons barring my husband. The men around her tend to do nothing for her while her female friends and relatives including me often anticipate and fulfill her needs.
Men are disappointing but women with internalised misogyny are even worse because you hope for so much more from them. It’s a real skill to vet and befriend others. I believe it will take a lifetime to build the social network I long for.
Wishing you a speedy recovery with your surgery. If you want someone to chat with at odd hours to keep you company flick me a message x
i'm sorry you're going through all of this. the mere idea of surgery is already stressful enough... i hope everything goes well for you!
that being sad, i can't say i agree that women friends are necessarily better. in my experience, my female friends have been treating me so bad lately that i'd rather be alone. they are absolutely neglectful. i don't think men are better, no way. but the one good friend i have at the moment is a straight male. he's really one of a kind and that's why we're friends.
i'm out of female friends. they all left without explanation, or i gave them up after being repeatedly disappointed and they didn't even notice. reading about how much your women friends have been helping you, you clearly have supporting friends.
everytime i complain about friends here, someone comes along and says "most people are low value" and it's true. but i have to agree with you when you say men are terrible friends in general. i think they tend to be worse compared to women.
take care, sister!
Caulk is 10 bucks wtf
After losing the last of who I thought were my male friends sometime in 2021, I never went out of my way to befriend or talk to men platonically ever again. And let me tell you, so much peace and serenity has entered my life that I have never experienced before. As women, we innocently believe that everyone has the same intentions as we do. But many men, and a few unstable women, are going to put us through the ringer and make us feel horrible for having the audacity to wanting to cultivate friendships with other people.
It's hard. Most situations in life will have men in it, whether we want them there or not. If I want all female friends, I can do that. But then I would have to deal with their scrotey bfs, exes, or male friends that I am forced to have conversations with when we are in the same physical space. And I hate that.
I get where you’re coming from. But you’re also a married woman. In my cultural framework (not Jewish but not dissimilar) men not married to you wouldn’t be dropping everything to help if you have a husband. I’m not saying it’s right but it’s not realistic. Your brother not showing up for you does suck.
As someone else mentioned, you’re lucky to have this community of women though. Very few of us get that. People are selfish.
I'm sorry for the way those scrotes acted!
But happy to hear that you have support :)
Wish you a speedy recovery and all the best for the surgery 🌺🌺😊
Wow I relate so hard. I’ve had horrible health issues recently and a guy friend called me while I was in urgent care, offered to pick me up another day and take me out for a catch up lunch, when that came around he refused to pick me up saying he already parked somewhere… they may like to offer sweet nothings to feel like a hero but they truly don’t give a shit. Scum
The vast stocks of love I have to give are now solely given to my family, my friends, my hobbies, and my pets. These are the things and beings that return it to me. Men in general are a poor emotional investment. I now assess them for what they can do for me, which is pretty much how they look at women. But my true efforts and dedication? I save that energy for the things and people that will grow my joy, not deplete it and leave me feeling frustrated or empty. Males "friends" are false, and they always have an agenda that will eventually ruin the friendship anyway. Soooo many awkward declarations of their "love" have shown me that.
I’m also really glad you’re sharing this story, this is super important to discuss!!
Male friends are only good for one thing - introducing you to amazing women.