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(content warning because of the mention of violence and suicide)
I think the reason why people don't like me is because I seem like a creep to them, my emotions are too intense, and I do not have any of the characteristics that would make me seem interesting or worthwhile to talk to.
My whole life has basically been a pattern of "the more I like someone, the more they dislike me" because it makes me behave weird around them. However, I have gotten a bit better at controlling my impulses and don't say as many weird things or act desperate around people. For example there is a girl I want to be friends with so badly who barely ever texts me and I had the insane thought of telling her I would give her money to text me (good thing I did not say this to her, or she would have thought I was completely deranged. maybe even avoid me even more than she already does). But even if I don't act on the thoughts, there's no way to stop the thoughts.
Sorry if this too graphic, but my self-esteem is so low and i hate myself so much that I fantasize about people torturing me or killing me (I'm not promoting BDSM, I know it's not healthy, and nothing about the fantasies is even sexual I just want people to hurt me). For some reason I don't even have sexual desires any more. I did until about 6 months ago but there was so much guilt about fantasizing about people who didn't like me that it changed into fantasies of them physically harming me but now I feel guiltier because this seems creepier. And to be clear, I never have thoughts about hurting someone else. It's only about me being on the receiving end but I know that's still wrong and weird of me.
I have never felt like anyone has appreciated or cared about me, and I feel entitled and creepy if I want appreciation. So I have stopped wanting it. What's sad is that people not only don't like me, they also don't seem to want me to like them because my affection means nothing to them or it is seen as creepy. So now I can't be loved and I also can't love anyone else. I have to hold back my emotions for people and try to detach myself from people and act like I don't care about anyone.
I am going to try a new therapist in two weeks. The other ones I've tried weren't much help, but we'll see how it goes with this one. It's really hard for a therapist to convince me to have self-esteem or self-worth in any way. I don't like anything about myself and I feel like I make the world worse by existing and I want to die. And I think people who don't like me are right that I'm not worth liking.
Another thing about me is I am not cool or interesting, I'm not smart and I am the ugliest person I know. Like i've literally never seen a woman who looked worse than me, or even a man.
sometimes i do manage to appear normal to people, especially when discussing my education or job. I'm 22. I graduated recently, got a full-time job, and I am starting my masters soon with a scholarship. but as soon as i reveal anything about my thoughts or emotions, even though I try really hard to keep those things suppressed, people think I'm completely crazy and get scared of me. I have no friends. And obviously I have never been in a relationship. A lot of people tell me to "stay busy" and then I will stop feeling bad about not having friends. But I am really busy. And I still feel empty and feel a longing to have others with me when I'm working, studying or engaging in any of my hobbies. and then I feel guilty about wanting people to like me. And no matter how busy I get, I don't think I'm so busy that I wouldn't be able to make time to make someone I truly cared about feel appreciated. I could still give them a gift, a compliment or plan a fun outing with them but they don't want me to do that for them. Honestly I am trying to be smarter, more interesting and improve my appearance. But if I am the worst person in the world, then even at my best I won't be good enough for anyone.
I don't have any reason to actually keep living except that my parents are immigrants and I am an only child. I need to "be on my grind" and "make moves" so they don't feel disappointed in me. Otherwise moving to a different country would have been such a pointless sacrifice. I don't want to be alive because of how much pain I'm in, like I seriously wish I could get euthanized for emotional suffering. my life is a state of constant suffering, and I want to end it but I have no choice but to keep living for my parents.
Sorry you've been feeling this way. I'm 23 and I kinda felt the same as all this at maybe 18. I started going to gyms and exercising (I love it, I take pre-workout just to do it.) Exercising is good for your mental health. Jogging at around 2-3 am when no cars are outside and you can just be alone with your thoughts while running + fresh air feels great. While you go out and exercise more you should think about taking friends and people off pedestals. Friends are people, human beings that don't just magically appear , they're fundamentally flawed. I remember trying so hard to be this cute girls friend because we had a lot in common, but she only wanted "guy friends" because looking at another woman would cause her pain in knowing that my ass is bigger than hers.(She was toxic anyway and people liked me more, I've already dissected why I wanted to become her friend despite that.)
Some people just aren't good people and some people suck at making friends despite the "perfect person" attitude they display. Even in networking and talking to others I find that the pretty and normal people are fucking awkward and boring, especially in the presence of a confident woman that doesn't need them to have fun.
I also wanted to ask if anyone in your family emotionally abused you. Sometimes our parents treat us like shit for trying to be funny and social and it causes us to absolutely melt at the idea of talking to people even though it's not that deep. Parents/siblings can make us feel ashamed for even existing or trying anything (especially us women). Maybe someone in your family completely broke you down to prevent you from getting ahead. Maybe you are an attractive woman and you just can't see it because of your upbringing / insecurity.
My lessons I've learned from being awkward:
1: don't "seek out" friendship. Let it cultivate naturally through hobbies. Create small talk, remember names and don't think too much about it, I used to view people as cute little animals to cope with my past inferiority complex (never saying it out loud of course.)
2 : people are awkward as shit, they're depressed, anxious, scared, exhausted. If they don't text you back they probably have their own demons. Maybe they feel how you do.
3 : you can join gyms that have lessons to socialize more, that way you're around people without needing to be "the perfect friend". Just smile when they smile and talk about meaningless shit (weather, pets, kids) you know, dumb boring shit you wouldn't say in an important meeting. The kind of stuff that makes you want to leave early because it's so boring (since I like talking about politics, renewable energy sources, money, etc) I can be too intense too, so I talk about the weather and the vendors I've worked for to make me look like your average hardworking joe. You can even talk about your studies or your job.
4: read body language books and books on how to talk to others "How to win friends and influence people" is a great book by Dale Carnegie. If you get it on audible you can relax and listen to it instead if reading sucks for you. "Cues" and "Captivate" by Vanessa van Edwards are also great books. Also "Rejection proof" by Jia Jang are all really good books. This may seem super lame but the only way to actually learn something is to take in new information, nobody can talk to you enough and break down your childhood enough forever to make you change your whole personality, taking in other people's personal experiences and learning from theirs in so valuable and these books really helped me go from depressed person to bubbly and charismatic In a few months, I've literally changed drastically as a person by reading books it's insane.
4 : find your sense of personhood and your own meaning of life instead of having it depend on the approval of others. Which sounds completely unhelpful, but literally go sign up for rock climbing, swimming, go jogging, go to libraries, go to restaurants and figure out what you enjoy doing when nobody has a say on what you do. Because honestly people are fuckin boring, most of them just watch a show they hate and eat fast food. They're not magical beings who's approval is so sacred that you need to feel inferior around them.
Imagine hanging at home in your underwear and eating chips, watching anime and someone texts you, just desperate for your attention even though they could potentially be chilling at home as well?
Find your sense of personhood, play videogames (Zelda Tears of the kingdom is really good.)
But these people aren't better than you, they're just chilling. They may have more than you but ultimately they're just hairless monkeys sitting on a couch eating chips and watching the Bachelorette or some shit.
Coming from a former awkward intense person (I'm still shamelessly intense) go find yourself, use therapy to figure out why you're this way but ultimately embrace your individuality and try new things until your head is spinning and you can say definitively "I like this restaurant and I hate this margarita". Find yourself. It's one of the reasons people default to "being normal" because they can't find themselves, they cling to sports, cliques and religion because without it they'd fall apart and be having the same problem as you.
You can do this.
Go outside, cry in public if you need to, you have to tell yourself that you're an individual and one day once you have your shit together you'll have that cool band of friends you can get dinner with and you won't even think about it because it'll be natural.
If you’re able to, I suggest getting a pet of some sort. Even just a fish. You’re longing to love and care for someone, I think a pet would be a great first step for you. Otherwise all I can say is keep working on yourself. Maybe look into volunteering.
Please avoid seeking out friends or relationships in your current state. It seems evident that you are experiencing depression, loneliness, extremely low self-esteem, people-pleasing tendencies, codependency, and others have pointed out neurodivergence. When feeling this way, you may attract individuals who will use and abuse you if you allow them into your life. Trust me, I understand how you feel, but remember that desperation can unconsciously repel normal people. It's crucial to find a therapist specializing in your condition. Also, remember to be kind to yourself and take small steps towards change, rather than overwhelming yourself.
I suggest getting to know yourself, being comfortable with being alone, pursuing hobbies you genuinely enjoy, volunteering, and taking classes or workshops related to social anxiety or connecting with others. As you grow into a well-rounded individual, you may naturally meet like-minded people. It's important not to pay others or burden yourself with their emotional issues (emotional dumping); these are not the right people for you. Don't believe everything you see online about people with many friends; having one or two good friends is more valuable than ten fake ones just posting pictures.
Invest in yourself for yourself, not to make friends or relationships. When your inner energy changes, your outer energy will follow suit. I say this from personal experience, as I was once in your place from age 16 to 28. I spent years trying to please others and find a boyfriend to fill the emptiness inside me. As a result, I attracted the wrong type of people who used me as their therapist or took advantage of me. I had no boundaries, self-respect, and kept blaming others for my problems ( victim mindset) . Realizing that I was escaping from my trauma and unresolved emotional issues, I decided to dedicate my energy to discovering and facing them head-on. Though the journey wasn't linear, my life has transformed significantly over the past two years, and I'm excited about further growth.
Investing time, money, and energy in self-improvement, working on trauma, and personal growth is never wasted. It will come back to benefit you immensely. On the other hand, if you try desperately to please others and attract people without working on yourself, you'll waste your precious resources and harbor resentment.
Remember, we are meant to connect with others, but healthy individuals attract healthy relationships. Please, you're only 22, don't waste your time trying to be with others. Time waits for no one. Focus on acquiring valuable life skills like letting go of unresolved emotions, working on trauma, practicing forgiveness (both for yourself and others), enjoying your own company, and establishing healthy boundaries. As you develop these skills, your life will gradually change for the better. You'll start accepting and loving yourself, respecting your boundaries, and your energy will shift, attracting like-minded and positive people into your life. If you're interested, I recommend reading "Letting Go" by David R. Hawkins and exploring books on forgiveness, like "Forgive to Win" by Jacobson M.D., Walter E.
Remember, growth is a continuous journey, and investing in yourself is always worth it. Take care and be patient with yourself as you navigate through this process.
Sending you love and hugs
Hey, just wanted to say to hang in there and things will get better. I was in the same situation as you when I was 22, a few years ago. And I totally get the feeling of people not liking me and having intended emotions. I actually relate a lot to this post.
I didn’t know I was neurodivergent until a few months ago when I started seeing a new therapist who recommended me to get diagnosed. I’m not a licensed professional, but I would highly suggest you get a therapist who specialized in neurodivergent clients. Getting the correct form of help truly changed my life.
You're not alone. I feel like you do a lot of the time.
Wanting to like and be liked by other people is a basic human need. It's normal and natural and healthy. One problem is that today, people hate other people. Especially in the US, especially in urban areas, basic human interaction is now something we all avoid and feel awkward doing.
I'm naturally friendly and outgoing. Always have been. Most people in my neighborhood avoid eye contact and scurry away. They don't say hi or engage in basic greetings or pleasantries, with me or anyone else. There's nothing weird about me. I don't look weird. I don't smell weird. But it makes me feel like I must be a creep. It became so disheartening that I've recently made a rule for myself to NOT smile at or talk to people UNLESS they do it to me first.
Other people are NOT like you and me. That need for social connection has been being bred out of humanity.
Honestly I bet with this UFO stuff in the news, it's going to come out that our governments have been letting aliens interbreed with humans in exchange for them not blowing up our planet.
My point is, people suck and are all aliens.
In spite all of this, there is indeed a very slim negligible chance that something good might happen to you. There's no reason not to think about what that good thing might be, what you want it to be, and what kinds of things you can do to prepare for it when it happens.
Hug.
Glad to hear you're going to a new therapist, good luck.
It sounds like you might be neurodivergent and that's causing socialization issues for you (i.e., appropriate conversation, reading the room etc). The right therapist can help you develop tools to manage social situations and feel less anxious.
Getting this under control is likely to help assuage your feelings of self-worth and loneliness because you'll be able to build and sustain relationships better. As you develop these tools, you'll create a virtuous cycle.
Have any of your therapists referred you to a psychiatrist? Psychotherapists can bee great for some issues but based on the little you have shared I would suggest reaching out to a psychiatrist.
I don't say this often, as I think it's over diagnosed, but you may be dealing with some form of neurodivergence here. Please get a therapist and/or a psychologist. Once you've ruled out trauma and social anxiety, that basically leaves you with ADHD or autism. It would explain why you come across as intense and creepy to some people.
EFT for Emotional Pain: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=S5l70B3BA8c&pp=ygUYRWZ0IGNhciB3cmVjayBicmFkIHlhdGVz