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Ladies... I just need support. I am broken.
I am nearing the end of an incredibly painful, lonely, and hard pregnancy. I had to escape my (soon to be divorced) husband with our infant son while pregnant at the end of October.
While the judge upheld an order of protection as domestic abuse was found from him against me, we have been "co-parenting" our (now) almost one year old son 50/50. That being said, he cannot contact me outside a parenting app, one email a week through my mom's E-Mail, and all drop offs/exchanges have to be via 3rd party.
We have a conference next week, while I am literally days away from giving birth. He hasn't asked about the baby, OB appointments, rejected our ask to help with the medical bills, or provided me with any newborn items even though my attorneys have asked his council multiple times. Additionally, we have only spoken about the baby twice in the parenting app, initiated by me at direction from my attorneys to showcase an "act of good faith" but it was essentially saying yes, he is doing good, this is the name, and here is an ultrasound photo.
He is now asking, in a letter sent from his attorney to mine that will be heard before the judge next week, to come to the hospital 2-3 hours a day, to have daily visits for several hours a day with the baby with one 8 hour visit a week, and to have 50/50 parenting time with the newborn once he is one month old. For the record, our infant now isn't even cared for by him, he is with his sister and grandma all day.
I had such a severe physical reaction, I had to be hospitalized in labor & delivery for several hour due to intense pain, projectile vomiting and burning up.
Everything is okay but I am sickened.
The cruelty of men knows no bounds.
I'm so sorry. The system is so broken. I remember before I had paid my attorney he made it seem like he was going to easily get me a restraining order and sole custody. He said, "If he's a threat to the mother, he's a threat to the children". He acted like he was going to advocate for me and make sure my kids were safe. But once he'd been paid, he changed his tune and even shamed me for wanting sole custody. Sorry to go off on a tangent, but it really gets to me, because what he said originally SHOULD be the way courts make decisions. If he's a threat to the mother, he is most definitely a threat to the children and should not be allowed so much access. And the very idea of him asking to see the baby in the hospital just makes my blood boil. I don't think you're under any obligation to agree to that. I could be wrong, so verify with your attorney. But that seems to me to be incredibly invasive. And I also HATE how any court would rule for 50/50 with an infant. Infants need their mothers more than half the time! How has our society become so dense that they can't understand that?
Sending you prayers and hugs. This is just unfathomable.
Hugs to you, this is incredibly hard ongoing Trauma you’re experiencing.
Two valuable free resources to get through the awful “coparenting” abused mothers are expected by the corrupt family court system to do: One Mom’s Battle - Tina Swithin’s canned responses for how to write in case you’re taken back to court/abused further through the legal system.
Also Chump Lady has many posts on being the Sane Parent, and using “Cool, Bummer, Wow” with alienated kids.
I am so sorry you have to go through this. 😢💔
I don't have any advice to offer in this matter, just wanted to say I think you are really strong for surviving all of that and I hope the judge rules in your favor, and that your baby is born strong and healthy. 💖 Congratulations too. 💗
I don't have much to add here, as I am not a mother. But, I have so much respect for you and all the other mothers going through this. Motherhood is sacred, and it is enraging to hear about a man acting like this. It is unreal how the courts will recognize abuse from a man whilst insisting on such a coparenting arrangement.
Wishing you safety, support, and health while navigating this situation. You are certainly not alone. It is no small feat you are advocating for yourself and the little one while pregnant.. The kids' health and your health are top priority.
I recall Lundy Bancroft debunked some myths in his book Why Does He DO that? I thought you might like this blog post when it feels like the world makes zero sense: https://lundybancroft.com/child-custody-justice/
These social and cultural biases impact everything and it sucks. And sadly there is no pre-stamped solution for everyone to follow. Regardless, it sounds like you are observing your instincts, asking for help, and doing your best. That's all we can do, one day at a time. I hope things get better for you soon. Congratulations and happy early birthday to your baby 🎂 all the internet hugs if you want them.