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Hello again. Thank you all for the advice and support on my last post. Since then I have been continuing with therapy, journaling, and daily exercise. I also ended my long term relationship after discussing it in therapy. It has been tough, but I am trying my best to keep up with all of the good things for myself because I am committed to getting and being better for myself and the people around me.
To elaborate on my last post, the cheating I mentioned happened twice. Once in one relationship, once in another. I don't think it's acceptable to explain why because at the end of the day I made the wrong choices and I own up to that. In both cases I did tell those partners what happened soon after and did fully own up to it and apologized. That does not make it right or better though and I understand this.
I bring it up because the cheating happened when I was younger (late teens/early 20's) and since then I have had relationships where I have not cheated. Haven't thought of it, haven't had the desire, things simply didn't work out in those relationships and I learned the right thing to do was just end things and move on. And I made sure at the beginning of these relationships I was also honest and open about my past.
While I am not looking to date any time soon because I want and realize my focus should be on myself, I do have some questions.
Do I continue to keep bringing up my past to potential partners? I feel like it is important to so people can make informed decisions, but at the same time, at what point can the past stay in the past if I am doing the right things now?
Am I supposed to bring up my past to friends as well? I don't have many friends. All but one know about my past (they are a newer friend). I'm never really sure how to go about it or if it is necessary. I ask because recently a friend confided in me that they had been cheated on and I was at a loss on what to say or do because I feel it is not my place to say anything because I have been that bad person making bad choices before. And I suppose it also made me wonder if they'd want to be my friend if they knew about my own bad choices and now I feel kind of uneasy talking to them.
How do I stop being so hard on myself about my past? I do not ask this because I want to be told it's not that bad or anything like that. I know I did bad things and I own it. But when/how do I get to a point where I can give myself a little bit of forgiveness? That yes it was bad, but I did what I could with the tools I had and I am making all the changes I can to make sure I have the tools to be a person, friend, family member, partner, going forward. Or is that something you do not get when you have made bad choices? And if it is not, I understand because I ultimately did this to myself.
In regards to the recent break up, how do you start over? I don't mean find someone else. My ex boyfriend promised me he'd take care of me, help with school, moving out, everything basically, and because of his promises and my poor health I put my life on hold for the past 1.5-2 years hoping things would be a lot different than they are right now. I am so overwhelmed and don't even know where to begin. I don't have a degree, a job, I can't move out, can't drive, and on top of that I now have a lot of health problems and concerns that limit what I am able to do. I know I need to start somewhere. I know I need to make changes. But I truly don't know where to begin. And with dealing feeling horrible and irredeemable because of my past, I am at the point where some days I do not see a reason to start trying anymore. But I don't want to give up on myself and I don't want to give up on the path of being better. I just don't know what to do.
And I am sorry if these questions seem silly. Besides my therapist, I don't really have anyone to go to that I could reasonably give all of this information to and ask for help, guidance, and support. I don't have the best family life and my friends can only help so much.
FDS is a mindset change, you kinda have to feel it to act on it. Towards that end, I really benefitted from reading the handbook. Have you done that? If no, do it. If yes, recall Nr. 19 from “Unlearn all the lies you were told about men”, i.e., “Most guys know their girlfriend has a sexual past so it’s okay to discuss it with him in a relationship”. And Nr. 21 “Telling a guy about your sexual trauma will bring you closer together”. All the 37 lies were also discussed in three dedicated podcast episodes. From an FDS standpoint, it is not beneficial for you to share your sexual past, cheating, trauma, abuse history or any other vulnerabilities to potential partners. Be mindful about what kind of signals you are sending out there, and what kinds of people you want and don’t want to attract.
I recommend keeping that information private from possible suitors and friends. Not because it's shameful, but because you can't know the message will be received in the way you intend.
Women prostrate themselves over moral failings in ways men would never. Men are fantastic at compartmentalizing their behaviour, and that might be a way for you to move forward.
Instead of feeling guilty and ruminating, you could tell yourself, "That was in the past. My past doesn't define me. I've learned, grown and moved on. That time serves as a reminder of my progress and healing. I am a different person today."
Men will do the shittiest things then walk away without feeling any guilt because they can justify it to themselves. Women should take a page from their book because we beat ourselves up for so long.
not a therapist.
i've used the exercise where i write out in detail everything i want to experience in a day. i mean EVERY DETAIL.
"i wake up to birds singing at 6:55am on a Tuesday. the light streams through the window looking out onto a pristine rainforest view..."
just put it all out there, nothing is too crazy. write for AT LEAST 20 mins.
once you know what you want, you can start taking inspired action towards it. tiny steps lead to enormous transformations. be free, sis.