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TL, DR: I had a dream about going back in time to my traumatic childhood and feeling anxious (sort of like PTSD) in a way I don't remember feeling when I was living those moments. I then understood that sometimes we only realize we are victims of abuse when the abuse is finally over. As adults, our brains are so used to bad shit that good things feel weird. However, that should not stop us from leveling up and being healthy and happy.
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Just to contextualize: I grew up witnessing the violence of my father against my mother. I was afraid of him when I was a child, then hated his guts when I was a teenager. I remember being used to that hostile and stressful environment. I was numb to all the humiliation, death threats and physical violence my mom had to endure because she was a housewife with no money of her own to raise her children away from that piece of shit.
So last night I had a dream where I was outside talking to my mother about my father and how things used to be horrible until he finally went to rehab and got sober. She then told me I didn't know the whole story. He didn't go to rehab, he went to prision for a bunch of crimes and then escaped. My mom was blamed for his actions, somehow, and people talked shit about her. And apparently he was back to being a criminal. At this point, I remembered I had to go to college, so I ended the conversation - still shocked with the revelation - and went inside to change. The house was different, though... It didn't look the way it does today (a lot has changed since those days). It was like I had gone back in time to my traumatic childhood. As I made my way through the front yard, I felt anxious. I didn't want to relive the horror all over again. I didn't want to see my drunk father calling my mother names and threatening her life. It was such an oppressive feeling...
That's when I had an insight. I thought "Wow... Is this what it felt like then? I didn't really notice how stressful it used to be. I guess we only realize we are in an abusive context once we get out of it." Then I got inside my older sister's bedroom to pick an outfit (because somehow I went back in time, but I was adult me from now) because I was running late for college.
That was the dream. My father never went to prision for his domestic violence. Police never really helped us. And as far as I know, he never commited other crimes. And time travel isn't possible hahaha! But that thing about not realizing you're in a shitty situation until it's over felt so powerful...
I wanted to share this here because I know many of us have experienced trauma through the actions of men, and we're socialized to accept it because of love, religion, family, financial vulnerability, etc. And the human brain is increadibly good at getting used to being miserable. It's a survival strategy that happens without us noticing. And then we feel really weird when good things happen to us, or when people are good to us. It feels "wrong" because being miserable is all we know.
That's why our leveling up journey is so important. It's about more than finding a HVM, or becoming a HVW. It's about being safe, healthy and happy, and knowing we deserve everything that is good in life. We can't let trauma dictate the kind of life we are meant to live.