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I’ve never been in an abusive relationship before. I always thought that it was something that happened to ‘weak’ women. Women that have low standards. Women that are financially dependent on an SO. Women that think they can’t do better. I thought of emotional abuse as something easily recognizable - put downs, name calling, threatening. I’ve since experienced that abusers are master manipulators and it starts happening without you even fully recognizing it.
Here’s the thing- they know they can’t trick you into a relationship if they abuse you up front. They KNOW to act the part of HVM and a good boyfriend. And this isn’t necessarily in the form of love bombing or other textbook narcissist strategies. My abuser wasn’t a narcissist - he was HIDING a cannabis & alcohol addiction. He was hiding a mood disorder that caused him to be abusive.
Emotional abuse happens to all women of all races, education levels, and socioeconomic backgrounds.
Some abusers like the challenge of a 'strong' woman. They may have 'practiced' their techniques on 'weaker' women and want to graduate up a level to a victim that may be perceived by society as 'harder' to control.
Getting a strong, smart, successful woman to submit to them can be a real thrill and boost their self-esteem.
I've decided to write about a recent experience I had with emotional abuse while dating someone that initially showed no red flags. He was kind, caring, and consistent. He spoke about the 'work' he'd done on himself and the type of relationship he wanted. We had been dating for 6 weeks and everything was looking good, he wanted to go away together for the holiday break. This was my first mistake - always make your first trip with a new BF a short one (like a weekend). This is what I insisted on but was later convinced to take an entire week since we were both off work. He booked the hotel & plane tickets one morning and we went out to brunch.
After ordering, he says “so tell me again how you & your ex broke up? Because people usually blame their ex for the very behavior they’re doing themselves.” I was shocked. We had this conversation before- I had shared everything and he had thanked me for sharing. Why was he making this offensive comment?
In the moment. I thought maybe I misunderstood and he didn’t mean it in an offensive way. Nonetheless, I kept my cool and repeated what I had told him before. I won’t repeat everything here- but at one point I compared my ex’s relationship with the woman he dated after me to Johnny Depp & Amber Heard in the sense that they were emotionally abusing each other (I did not have that type of relationship with my ex, I made the correlation to highlight he had started experiencing a decline in mental health that continued after our relationship).
He immediately became angry and said Johnny Depp was the victim and was emotionally abused by Amber Heard. The conversation went something like this:
Him: That’s not true, Johnny Depp was abused by her!
Me: Did you watch the trial? Did you watch her testimony?
Him: No
Me: Do you know the evidence that Amber Heard's attorney’s brought forth? The video of him slamming the cabinets when drunk?
Him: No
Me: It’s pretty clear to everyone that because of Johnny Depp’s drug & alcohol abuse, he could also be emotionally abusive and pretty scary. It’s my opinion that these two were emotionally abusing each other, which led to a very volatile relationship. That doesn’t excuse her from fabricating physical abuse, it just explains why she may have felt justified in slandering him.’
He insists that people can be victims trapped in a relationship. To which I respond: “They didn’t have children together and both had the financial resources to leave. It takes two to tango - either one could have ended the relationship at any point but they chose not to.”
This really set him off. The look on his face was just utter disgust. I started to realize that maybe I had struck a nerve - did he identify with Johnny Depp because he was emotionally abused? He had confided in me that he had been physically beaten by his older sister's boyfriend when he was very young. He hadn’t gone into detail about his previous relationship, just to say that it wasn’t a pleasant one.
From here the conversation starts going completely off the rails despite my attempts to de-escalate. He accuses me of trying to ‘dismiss’ him when I want to change the subject.
It was at that point I put my hand on his knee, looked him dead in the face and said: “It wasn’t my intention to make you feel dismissed and I value your opinion. I just don’t see the point in continuing what is now an unproductive conversation. I believe in picking my battles- and this is just one that we should ‘agree to disagree,' don't you think?"
He let out the loudest most passive aggressive ‘uuuggghhhhhh’ 🙄 I’ve ever heard and rolled his eyes in a dramatic way. The look on his face was like nothing I’d seen before - pure and utter contempt and disgust, like I had just told him I was advocating for murdering a puppy.
I was so shocked and upset that I burst into tears right there in the middle of the restaurant. I couldn’t believe what just happened. He had never behaved this way before- I thought I must have done something wrong for him to be behaving this way.
What I didn’t know, and had no way of knowing, is that he had WANTED to fight. He WANTED to pick that fight - he chose a highly inflammatory topic (ex’s) and no matter what I was going to say, he was going to find fault with it. This is what I now know:
Picking fights can be a way for someone to exert power and control over a partner by creating a situation where they feel upset or defensive. It was used to undermine my confidence and self-esteem, making me feel like I was in the wrong.
This strategy puts the victim on 'defense' or 'walking on eggshells.' This makes someone easier to control and less likely to point out when the abuser is doing something wrong for fear of starting another fight.
This is a very effective tactic when used intermittently. When a victim can't 'predict' when an abuser gets upset/angry, they're easier to control.
We sat in silence until the check came and didn’t speak. He didn’t apologize for making me cry.
I asked him to take me home (he had driven) but he said he wasn’t ready to drive me home yet and wanted to do some shopping. He then drove through a residential neighborhood and when he saw a new house he liked that was for sale, he called his realtor and told him he wanted to make an offer on it - sight unseen. This was a 4 million dollar house, it was kinda absurd and obvious that he wanted to ‘flex’ in front of me (and yes he has money but I’m not sure how much).
Then he went to a store and started buying clothes. He was overly nice to the sales associate and appeared to be in a good spirits. He asked me if I wanted anything and I declined, remaining quiet and in a somber mood.
Being overly nice in front of people is also part of the abuse. It says to the victim 'Look what you did. I'm a nice guy and other people think so too. It's your fault when I get angry.'
When a victim shuts down or becomes upset, it looks to others as though THEY'RE the one that's the problem. (Think of the Gabby Petito Utah bodycam video).
After I got home, I realized I didn’t want to go on vacation with him anymore. The problem was, he booked it last minute and we were supposed to be traveling in two days. When he called me later that night, I tried to tell him that I was having second thoughts about the trip. That’s when he insisted that the argument was a mistake. He also said the hotel was non-refundable and ‘why ruin both our vacations.’ I told him I didn’t want to fight like that again and he agreed.
He sensed that he was loosing control so he wanted to 'brush it under the rug' and make it seem like it was a mistake that wasn't going to happen again.
The vacation turned out to be a total nightmare with DAYS of emotional abuse that kept escalating. I couldn’t do much about it because we were on an island and there was a massive storm that canceled thousands of flights. The emotional abuse got so bad that I had to flee and fly to a different city and stay with a friend. The night after, my friend said I was crying and talking in my sleep. In the weeks after, I went though a type of mini-PTSD that I sought therapy for.
I can write another post with the vacation story if anyone wants to know the rest, I just wanted to write about how easy it is for emotional abuse to start and how an abuser can gaslight you into thinking it’s your fault.
Thank you x
I think the reason they get so triggered about Johnny Depp is because they expect the woman to just take the abuse, shrivel up into a ball and never confront him. The idea that a woman would fight back or call him out especially publicly, it enrages them because in his mind he totally possesses her and she's not even a human being, just an object for his use
Lol, makes an offer on a $4 million house but doesn't want to throw away a couple hundred dollars on a weekend vacation hotel
Sorry you went through this !
So you guys were dating for 6 weeks but you were already official ? Sounds like he let the mask slip when he "got" you, including trapping you on an island trip...
I feel like by the 6 weeks mark he should still be on probation and we should date other guys at the same time or at least look at the way he behaves to detect any yellow flag... I think I would have asked him to wait a bit before making it official until I know him better.
The Johnny Depp convo is a good strategy tool and he seems to identify strongly with Johnny Depp which is a total red flag. I would have brought it up as... a strategy tool to see his reaction.
I'd like to hear the vacation story. I'm sure he orchestrated all of that misery in advance, as well.
When he displays disrespect It’s time to go. It might sound fickle but dis respect is where the mask starts to slip and they will apologise and use any excuse to have you forgive them. Don’t fall for it and just leave. When disrespect is served it will only go downhill. Learn from my mistake please, you are not being w bigger person by forgiving. You Only cause yourself heartache when they leave you behind with their nice guy intact for the outside world. Nobody will believe you when you claim that you have seen his true colours.
And men know that.
Damn, although I hate that this happened to you, I am happy that you learned through this experience that women who are abused are not weak.
💯 Even powerful, wealthy, articulate, well-connected women can get groomed and abused. Even judges and intimate partner violence counselors can get abused! Happens everyday.
Recommend reading: "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans.
I would add that your first mistake was telling this guy the blow by blow details of why your last relationship failed. It's none of their business. The FDS rule is to say all your relationships were great, and then switch to another subject. Because scrotes will use anything you say against you, and he did just that.
I'm glad you made it out of there safely. Yes, men who identify with Depp are abusers. No, mutual abuse doesn't exist. It isn't slander if its true. This is where "both sides" gets us. I actually don't recommend the Depp heard trial as a vetting conversation unless it comes up naturally, and even then its iffy, for this exact reason.
I once met a guy who said his ex was a raging alcoholic abuser.(right after she gave birth🤡) He of course related to depp, the drug addicted abuser since the 90's. He was also a mra/incel, "passport bro" aka sexpat, redditor, said his ex watched bestiality porn🤡, and he grooms little girls in vr chat rooms. I had to threaten to get the police involved to get him to leave me alone. You know, because refusing to take "no" for an answer is totally a victim characteristic.(I understand that there is no "perfect victim", but y'all this was ridiculous) And so is bragging about planning to date rape somebody young enough to be his child. And so is bragging about being manipulative, to a woman he wants to impress, upon first meeting her. 🤡
Glad you recognized the abuse and got out! The mind games were insane on this guy. I feel that deliberately misunderstanding / misconstruing things you say is one of the most cruel crazy-making tactics. My ex was amazing at this, too. They make you desperate to prove that you're not the villain. So exhausting. Emotional abuse is definitely not just name-calling.
Thank you for this post! I am a woman who feels she is not likely to be emotionally abused. I needed this gut check to not get too cocky around known and unknown LVM.
Picking fights can be a way for someone to exert power and control over a partner by creating a situation where they feel upset or defensive. It was used to undermine my confidence and self-esteem, making me feel like I was in the wrong.
This strategy puts the victim on 'defense' or 'walking on eggshells.' This makes someone easier to control and less likely to point out when the abuser is doing something wrong for fear of starting another fight.
This is a very effective tactic when used intermittently. When a victim can't 'predict' when an abuser gets upset/angry, they're easier to control.
Excellent post. Terrible experience! I have been treated similarly. It's bad.
I'm so sorry you went through this 😢 I was hoping you didn't go on the trip with him, I'm sorry you had to experience that. I hop eyou have learnt the lesson now for good. I've experienced a man like that before, too. You didn't deserve that. I hope you are ok now.
Did you date my ex? Because this is an almost identical series of events that happened with us. I am so so sorry that this happened to you.
When I met my abuser, I was a recent college grad, just started a job in STEM and was relatively happy and had done some budget friendly solo traveling. You're 💯 correct. Abuse can happen to anyone. I think it's because we generally not taught how to look out for it.
He was perfect in the beginning. But he asked a lot of personal questions, I didn't realize he was looking for weaknesses and gathering ammunition for his upcoming emotional terrorism. He particularly asked a lot about past relationships and breakups.
One day he took me out to dinner and asked me again how I broke up with my ex and behaved EXACTLY like your description of your date's behaviour, down to the T.
I am not normally someone who cries easily, but There is something extra horrible about the way a narcissist goes about devaluing you, it just breaks you, I broke down, cried and walked out of the restaurant. He panicked and came running after me but I drove off.
He blew up my phone with apologies
and then immediately booked a vacation to a city I've always wanted to visit, for us with only giving me two days notice. I kept refusing so the next day, he convinced me to see him one last time and turned up with an expensive gift. Think like $2k expensive. He opened the cubby in the car to take the gift out and it was full of cash. Like $100 bills. He then drove me to a beautiful house maybe worth $1 million and started making calls like he was interested in buying it. He convinced me to give him another chance, it was just a mistake. I told him I didn't want to fight on the vacation. I got emotionally terrorized on that vacation. It was a vacation from hell, an absolute nightmare. I spent most of the vacation sobbing ugly crocodile tears and crying myself into a restless sleep.
After this, he went all out with the love bombing and convinced me to date him. Throughout our relationship, he would pop off into these unhinged rage filled episodes at the most unexpected or random times and I would never know when they were going to be. I didn't realize this was a power play for control till I read your post. I was always walking on eggshells and fawning. But it seemed that no matter what I did, the anger and abuse only escalated. A trauma bond was formed. I came to learn he was an alcohol too. I am a little convinced the guy you dated was a narc, mine was a diagnosed narc, which I came to find out too late.
You should post the details of your vacation and how you made the plans and decision to escape. I think a lot of women can learn from it because they somehow don't come to the conclusion that they need to get a flight and leave asap in these situation. This is also why financial independence and stability is important. It's so that you can remove yourself from these situations I'm so so so sorry he traumatized you.
We're so brainwashed into giving men a chance. It takes some practice to leave at the first sign of a red flag because of the way women have been culturally conditioned.
I would love to read the vacation story. Please share.