Is 'the one' mentality dangerous and childish? How do I unlearn it?

There's no "the one." There are people who are compatible with us and those who aren't. There are millions of people who meet all of our standards out there, and whose standards we meet. No single one of them is special, and by sticking around with someone who's proven themselves incompatible, you are just wasting time.

Also, the concept of love. I don't think anyone really knows what it is. And not even in a fun 80s song way. The concept of love is used to justify a whole host of atrocities. An abused person sticks with their abusive partner because "deep down they love me." Children are expected to stick around their abusive parents because "the parents love them."

I prefer to define love as a set of actions. And the feeling of love as the emotional response to those actions. If their actions towards you are making you feel poorly, then it's fair to say they don't love you.

I think "the one," soul mates, and twin flames are all dangerous for women. They often rely only on feeling rather than reality. By that I mean, you might say "I feel such a connection to him" or "I feel like I've known him forever," but what are you basing these emotions on? Some women concoct a spiritual connection to a man based on nothing more than a few conversations. We must always focus on actions and behavior when it comes to men. I am sensitive to this because it happened to me. I felt too intensely for a man immediately, and I interpreted that intensity as a deep connection to him when the reality of our interactions did not bear that out. I was creating this fantasy of him and not paying attention to what was actually happening between us.

The biggest issue with the mentality of "finding the one" is that it shifts all of your attention onto the potential partner; instead of asking yourself whether you like how he treats you, whether you enjoy his company, all the focus centers on "what can I do to keep "the one" from slipping away?!!?111!? It's a scarcity mindset that will inevitably seep into your behavior, whether either you or the man consciously recognize it, and come across as desperate. This, like any pattern of behavior, can be unlearned but it takes work and dedication. Whenever you feel yourself slipping into it, just remind yourself to focus on how you are feeling and how you think things are going (with the caveat of not becoming selfish/ narcissistic yourself). Obviously, still be considerate of the other person but your focus should be on YOU.

I don't know if you're religious or spiritual or not, but I do believe everything happens for a reason, and we can learn from everything. Just because you don't end up working out with someone, doesn't mean the event was without purpose, or without any lessons to be learned from it. I don't think there is only ONE person we could ever hope to end up with (seems very bleak!); I think there are multiple possible people, and the rest will depend on time, place, circumstances, values etc. aligning. Everyone will bring something slightly different to the table.

I am a romantic at heart and so I still believe some people will have a truly unique once-in-a-lifetime connection. However, over time I've just come to accept that nothing is forever and only what is truly meant for you will stay. If someone really were "The One", you wouldn't have to overlook drama and hurt and possibly abuse to keep them in your life. If a relationship is a constant uphill battle (goes for friends and family too), I take it as a sign that it's not meant for me. I still get to keep the memories though! It doesn't have to be a "waste" just because it wasn't forever. I had a great connection to two of my exes, a kind I've never had since. But it's okay, because I now have other connections that are unique in their own way, and no less fulfilling. Actually, I believe it's healthiest for us to experience and enjoy different connections over our lifetime. When you meet someone you really like (in whichever capacity) you have to be open to explore the ways you can bond specifically instead of going by a fixed script or narrative. It will be much more meaningful that way. In that sense, quite a few people can become each other's "The One" if they are willing to really develop that bond and be vulnerable with each other. I feel true

love is more often a choice than just "fate" or matching perfectly right out the gate. Someone who doesn't want to make it work as much as you do therefore can't be "The One" no matter how cute and romantic your encounters have been in the beginning.

The one, soulmates, twin flames, “we were together in a past life”, “we’ve been together in every past life” are all propaganda that benefit only men. In real life, a man who acts like the one is either lovebombing you so he can abuse you later, or he’s experiencing lust and obsession, not love. The new age movement really ran with these soulmate ideas, but they’re older than you think. The original propaganda came from fairy tales that were designed to groom girls and young women for unpleasant arranged marriages. Tale as old as time, except now we delude ourselves.

To me, love is an action. It’s something you do. It’s the conscious choice to have kindness and empathy for someone other than yourself via your words and actions —on a daily basis. When someone stops making that choice or the ”love” is unfairly conditional—there is no love. I think a lot of modern cultures have lost the ability to love after choosing individualism over community. Community is when a collective of humans all choose love. It makes it easier for couples to be loving to each other and their children when they are supported by a large, loving community.

Think of men like shoes. You will have a wardrobe of many and you have to try on a fair few pairs before you decide on your favourites.

i think it’s interesting how “Love” lights up the same areas of the body-mind as “Anger,” “Fear,” “Disgust,” “Surprise,” “Anxiety,” “Contempt,” “Pride,” “Shame,” and “Envy.”

(i found this on Pinterest, it’s from a post on thinkinghumanity.com)

not sure how accurate this is, it could be total BS…but it definitely makes me think that love is not a 100% positive vibe (which seems to be what we’ve all been brainwashed to believe since we‘ve had brains). treat with caution in romantic relationships…i feel like this could include family relationships as well.

I struggle with this a lot. But for me personally it stems that I am lazy AF and only want to stick with one partner where I don't have to go through all the wash rinse n repeat of meeting new people, don't have to deal with dating anymore and just give up because all men are the same at the end of the day. A couple years ago I thought I found "the one". He turned out to not be healed from his ex cheating on him and somehow I ended up finding him at the worst version of himself. He talked to me very badly, I ended up leaving. I don't date anymore. This mentality hurts me though cause I end up not finding a partner that can treat me well, IF there are still HVM out there. And that's a big IF.