Inspired by the Cloud PJs: Joys of living alone

The Cloud Pajamas post reminded me to come back with this little story:

When I started living alone (during pre-divorce separation, about four years ago) I was sad for several months. Not constantly, but on and off. I used to lie in bed and think, "Never again will I hear anyone's key in the lock of the front door." (I know, that sounds pretty pathetic and self-pitying!)

BUT! The sadness dissipated and I made a lot of forward strides. I made some mistakes; I learned from them. Therapy helped. I read a lot and I watched my friends and took heed from their mistakes.

One day I had the realization that I had already moved through "I don't hate living alone after all" to "I LOVE LIVING ALONE!" It was a major revelation!

I could write an entire post about the joys of living alone. Maybe someday I'll write it all out. And don't get me wrong; I am not closed off to the idea of someday remarrying. But living alone has joys that I never anticipated.

I do all kinds of favors for myself -- I use my pretty china -- I have my bathroom done in a new way that wouldn't have been feasible before -- the house smells nice now -- I don't come home to the TV blaring -- all kinds of lovely little details that you don't think about until they happen. I am re-considering how I use various rooms, and I have different "nooks" sets up for my varied moods and hobbies. I feel safe and secure. I feel like I'm finally getting really, truly acquainted with myself.

And the self-care! One thing I do for myself -- just after dinner, I go in my bedroom and lay out my nice nightgown or PJs and turn down the bed. Later, when I start my bedtime routine, seeing the bed like that makes me feel cared for -- like I am staying in a fancy B&B or an Edwardian mansion with a maid. :-D I decorate my house and put flowers in vases and so forth. I had a Christmas tree even though no one saw it but me.

When I was first alone, my place was just a spot for me to eat and sleep. I felt like I was taking up as little space as possible in it. I just wanted to bury myself in work and other distractions, and not think. But after that first year, I sort of felt myself stretching out, all the way to the edges of my home. I don't usually talk about "energies" and such, but I really did feel myself growing, and that this quiet growth was pushing out the negative stuff, and making the home totally my own. No one breathes this air but me. The walls hear only my own sounds. All of that used to be "sad thoughts" but now it's cause for quiet joy.