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I'm sorry if FDS isn't the best place to ask for this kind of advice but I know we are all about levelling up here and that's something I desperately need to do. I am 32 years old and I've recently left my boyfriend, something that I've posted about here. Although my boyfriend and I were not together very long, I think he has really knocked my confidence. The relationship was emotionally abusive, and he would ignore my messages for hours, leaving me feeling worthless. Perhaps other people would have got over this quickly, but due to childhood trauma resulting in me having various mental health issues, this has done some damage and cemented the idea that I'm not lovable.
I have CPTSD, severe social anxiety and depression. I literally freeze when I'm in a group of people. I talk to people better one to one but I feel like I don't know how to socialise. I feel like on paper I could socialise quite well, but I just freeze. I'm so scared of being judged poorly. Even with friends and people I have known for years, even my own family, I am anxious about talking. I end up becoming a bit of a people pleaser. Recently my sister has suggested I have autism. She was abused too as was my brother, by our parents. Yet she is very able socially, she doesn't freeze up like I do or seem to care what others think. My social anxiety is destroying my life. Another one of my close friends suggested I might have autism too. Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being autistic, but I know a lot of people see people with autism as being strange and different.
I don't think I have autism, I do struggle socially but I was abused as a child and made to feel worthless. I think the way I act in social situations is the result of my CPTSD, and I know there is overlap between that and autism as well as ADHD in the way symptoms manifest. I am obsessively worrying about being autistic now, and wondering if it's really so obvious how awkward I am. This has further knocked my confidence. For comfort I am researching autistic celebrities who are still of course living successful and productive lives.
Me, I feel so ashamed of my life. I have tried medication and therapy many times over the years and nothing seems to have made much difference. I have few friends and even fewer hobbies due to being depressed and having no interest in anything outside of gaming, which again is making me feel pathetic, as we talk of LVM who play video games and do very little else. How can I expect a HVM partner when I have so little to offer?
I have absolutely no confidence in myself and I panic around people. There are so few people I can be myself around. I often rely on alcohol to socialise, it's the only thing that relaxes me but even then I'm wondering if I am coming across weird and annoying. I do have a quirky personality but now I'm wondering if I'm just strange. Due to my lack of confidence in myself, I have remained in the same minimum wage job for almost 10 years. I recently got promoted but I can tell that the new manager we have is regretting giving me the new role as I do not network like other staff do. I try and engage with others but I am still shy and awkward.
The only career I have considered pursuing is teaching. I got a degree in English years ago. But whenever I mention this idea to people they go quiet. Nobody says oh that's a great idea you should go for it. It's probably because I am so socially incompetent. It's nothing to do with not understanding social cues, it's trauma. I would not be able to handle being a teacher anyway. I can't do anything, I can't even learn to drive because of the extent of my mental health issues. Something needs to drastically change but I'm scared it never will.
Quick thing to add to the already stellar answers here, but remember that sociability is a learned skill. As someone who was painfully shy, over time, I was able to teach myself. It was a long, awkward road, but it’s totally possible. It’s ok to feel nervous and scared - push through it. You’ll be glad you did. You’re worth it.
Check out the book The Body Keeps the Score and also The Gift of Fear. Force yourself to validate your perspective as you read. Your body feels unsafe & it’s made your nervous system hyper-vigilant. Validate that. I mean, it makes sense that your body would be so responsive to perceived rejection. This practice has saved your life; validate that. Thank your nervous system for keeping you safe. Please also pursue an EMDR-certified therapist to help calm your nervous system. EMDR is the gold standard for PTSD. Next, look for a DBT certified therapist with corresponding group therapy. If hiring a professional isn’t in the budget, you can buy a DBT workbook online or even join the cPTSD/borderline fb groups and use the free files there. Also, research bilateral stimulation for trauma work. That’s what EMDR is. You’re right, there is overlap between c-PTSD and autistic like behaviors.
I was like this when younger and also had unsupportive people around me. Probably they are why you have bad social anxiety in the first place.
You're probably not autistic. Go ahead and pursue what you think is the right path for you.
I think you are paralysed by anxiety and fear due to a lack of trust in yourself and fear of what will happen, not autism. You have low confidence.
Crappy Childhood Fairy (Anna Runkle) videos on YouTube are gamechangers. All great advice in the comments here. 🥰 Big hugs to you!!! 💞
The answers here are great. I just want to give you a big hug.
In addition to other ladies’ excellent advice, one additional suggestion is to find a form of exercise to do several times per week. I have struggled with generalized and social anxiety over my lifetime, and exercise really helps me feel more calm and confident. Getting your heart rate up, like running or heavy weights, is especially good. But more soothing activities like walking, yoga, or bicycling can also help. Start with whatever you find doable. Exercise is such a panacea for the mind and body, and can help lift the fog to make other actions within reach.
Please also go to the Science of People by Vanessa Van Edwards to get excellent socialization strategies to give yourself an idea of general social conventions and expectations to work from. These were essential for giving me tools other than the non existent ones that my family could not give me.
I highly, highly suggest getting a therapist or psychiatrist that will do EMDR or other such processing methods with you. I had some breakthroughs in doing this because it bypasses my frontal cortex (i.e. the center of conscious thought) and goes straight to the subconscious brain in order to deal and fully process traumas, emotions, and memories, without the pesky conscious trying to shut them back up in a vault again. It's actually freaky how it worked to process something I've dealt with for thirty years - in one case, a very strong phobia to deep water and traumatic and shameful events in my childhood surrounding it. For the first time I took swimming lessons after doing the processing with my therapist - and not only did I get in the water, smell the chlorine, but I actually took the lesson, and didn't have a panic attack or anything. I didn't even need the Xanax - I forgot to take it!
This type of processing is great for those of us who have resistant anxiety/panic issues, and depression tied to a lot of that. It's helped me build confidence and self-esteem as well because, along with other things I'm doing, it helps me feel like I'm working through things rather than shutting them up in that vault, and hiding from them. The more you do this, and start making small changes in your life, the more you'll be interested in other things, and develop hobbies you'll enjoy, and the more confidence you'll gain in turn, as a positive feedback mechanism.
You are not alone. Feel free to DM me or reply more here.
EDIT - to add to this from a reply you made to someone else - you don't need really developed memories of the events to achieve processing. My therapist does a form of it with a vibrator machine thing where I hold a vibrating device in each hand, and it alternates to trigger the left/right hemisphere connections. She does this while she guides me through processing and sometimes all it takes is a simple question or sentence to achieve a breakthrough. When it happens it feels like the vagus nerve gets triggered. The last time I did it I had sudden, throat and chest laugh that wasn't really a laugh, that turned into tears, all because she had said one sentence that pierced right through. That's all it took. It's not strictly EMDR because it's not an eye-movement thing but it's the same processing in principle because it is doing the same left/right hemisphere activation to access the parasympathetic nervous system. As someone else mentioned, the book "The Body Keeps The Score" is excellent on these topics.
I suggest checking out a twelve step program called Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. The acronym is ACOA. Google it and read the laundry list. It is a spiritual program that will help you with the trauma.
For issues with people pleasing my therapist recommended “the way of integrity“ by Martha Beck. If your anxiety comes from the stress of people pleasing this may be helpful. I haven’t started it yet though but it is on my list