.png)
UPDATE: he was cheating ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
TLDR imposter syndrome in experiencing healthy dynamics for the first time
I don't really know how to talk about this or to who. Does anyone who is partnered ever feel this way? I can't tell if I'm someone who genuinely prefers being single or if I'm just uncomfortable, and don't know how to operate normally in a normal realtionship with a normal man (read: secure attachment style?). I am trying to get there, learning as I go since I have never been in a healthy relationship before so this is unmapped terrain and somehow it terrifies me.
I had been in therapy for 3 years and was very healthy and content at the time I met my boyfriend. I felt like I had healed as much as you can on your own. Since meeting my now boyfriend, its like his normal and healthy behaviours have shed light on shitty past experiences that had shaped my frame of reference. All of a sudden, parts of my memory were coming back to me. I was devastated and fell ill, and I have had to process things in real time, all while trying to keep up with my very full and busy life.
I take some accountability because I was very cognizant of The Box That Shall Not Be Opened... And I am grateful that I have an opportunity to work through these very heavy things in a safe and loving environment, and to have the support to be able to do so. I even considered breaking things off because I thought it wasn't fair to my boyfriend, that I wouldn't be able to show up for him. But my resolve for this was just thinking that he is a grown man and is responsible for himself- if he is unhappy and feels like his needs aren't being met, he can speak up and/or walk away.
I know it will get better and this is for the best etc etc growing pains, the works, but the process sucks so bad and I miss the false sense of security in having my walls up. Being single is like operating in auto-pilot, and I was really enjoying it. For once in my life, I did not have to feel guilt and shame for existing, I was unapologetic, a bit cynical and jaded but content mostly. I don't think I could have ever prepared myself to meet someone like my boyfriend because quite frankly I doubted he existed. I would hate for my issues to prevent us from being together. I have been seeing my therapist again and trying my best to learn from this. He doesn't know about any of my internal processes or what I have going on. But I do know that in order to give the relationship a fair chance, this is work that needs to be done otherwise I would not be emotionally available to accept and love in return.
Luckily my boyfriend is very patient and intuitive so he does not press when I withdraw and gives me plenty of space. I just don't think I've heard anyone talk about this side of dating / intimacy. Has anyone felt or experienced like anything I've described? I'm supposed to be happy because I found lucked out in the dating department, right? I just can't help but feel a bit of shame now for dealing with all these really heavy feelings, and I'm embarassed to be posting this here but here we go.
First of all, you're just uncomfortable. Chill. Enjoy this.
Second of all, you are putting this guy on a pedestal. Just chill out and wait. He has flaws too, though he may be a HVM.
Third, a healthy relationship doesn't mean no walls. It's not one or the other. You can have some walls.
In fact, you should never tell a man this stuff, even if you're married.
I may be misunderstanding your relationship, but based on what you've written, it sounds like you're doing all the emotional work in the relationship, and he is just being his unbothered self. You should try to be unbothered as well—after all, living an unbothered life with an HVM should be our goal (if we choose to have a partner).
What I'm saying is if you can't relax around him and you actually "miss being single", maybe he isn't right for you (though I'm not implying he is LV in any way). But I don't know your trauma or your partner, so if I were you, I'd try letting go of the trauma and chilling out.
If you find that you're just not comfortable chilling out around him, then it means he's probably not the right person for you, even if he is HV.
i've been exclusive with a guy for almost 8 months. we just took an online attachment style quiz: he types Secure in the realtionship (although Dismissive Avoidant in general) and i'm generally Disorganized (Preoccupied Anxious in the realtionship). so yeah, now i feel like a complete fuck-up, whereas when i was single i just felt like i was adept at handling various social situations and attending to my own needs, no matter what. of course he feels secure because i'm doing so much work in the realtionship! i'm hoping his security will help transform my attachment style to more secure, but right now it fees like absolute hell.
i don't have advice, just commiseration.
It breaks my heart that he was cheating. I'm sorry 💔
Your gut was telling you something was wrong. But because of past trauma you thought you were just being paranoid and not able to open up. Truth was: he is a lying cheating POS.
I think "attachment styles" can make us blame ourselves, when in fact a LVM is to blame.
Take good care of yourself. 🩷😢
Read "The Gift of Fear" and learn to trust your own inner voice. We women are powerful, and our instincts are ALWAYS correct! Society has told us to squash our inner voice - don't do it. Don't let attachment theory tell you to ignore your gut.
You know. And You can trust yourself. Even when no one around you is trustworthy.