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Buckle up for a long (rambly) read.
TL;DR - I realize my buds don't really give a shit about me, only what I can do for them. Elle Woods montage began.
For years I have volunteered to help manage my building and pretty much my entire circle consists of these people at this point. We've grown close. I plan regular social events and generally bring people together and am the emissary of good vibes. It's pretty much kicking things off, following up and helping.
As time has gone on, I've taken on the lion's share of daily responsibilites by mentoring alongside the retiring president. We've become friendly so we talk. He's 62 for reference and has run the place immaculately. I knew he was tired of carrying the place on his shoulders so I really made an effort to take whatever tasks I could off his plate. So I applied effort and learned. Now I'm his right hand partner and we go above and beyond to do things residents don't even notice. No one else did. They sit on the board and do nothing. There are a few who try but aren't reliable or aren't very bright so they create emotional labour.
Recently I lost my cool on them in email, pretty much excoriating them for things always falling to me at the last minute to do and asking for help. Didn't call out names. How did my 'friends' react?
My building BFF called me trying not to laugh, then once she realized she was included (albeit she thinks she's a bigger part than she is, which isn't true) aggressively DARVO'd me and is now being curt in emails. This is her second time DARVO'ing me. I can't delude myself any longer. She's one of my closest friends by now. She never validates me, yet has said she relies on my validation about issues. This is a huge loss for me, but she's held me at arm's length this whole time. She acts like we're buds, but anytime we hang out it's on her schedule. She dictates everything and never merged me into her regular crew.
One didn't even didn't dignify my email with a reply. The president I serve didn't even reply to my nervous breakdown email. She comes to me for all her emotional dumping too. I always drop everything to connect with her and help. I went out of my way recently to help her with a safety thing by going out to buy it and install it for her. I had to remind her to pay me too. Stunning.
"let me know how I can help; tell me how exactly" platitude that resulted in more emotional labor for me to explain than do myself. He's a dip shit bleeding heart lazy guy who hides behind a chill vibe.
I'm shell shocked at their reactions. I deserve the respect of being heard.
The former president supported my email. He said on the phone, "You're braver than me. I've wanted to write that email for years but never had the courage." Without him this place would collapse, and I know from our mentorship time, that he's angry at how things are being done.
They're freezing me out. But I'm the magic in our building. I plan the parties, I get everyone together, I am the social glue. They often that before me they never got together or did anything. Yeah, cuz no one planned anything. I haven't really lost anything.
But now that I see the truth, I know what an FDS'er needs to do. For 3 days I grieved. Literally burst into tears so many times and even in public places. I'm heartbroken and it's a tough realization to take on board. But a HVW has too much respect for herself to resume being close friends with folks who didn't step up in her time of need. The only time she asked.
My status as a social pariah has propelled me to my Elle Woods era:
I joined a ladies boxing gym this week. I had one session and loved it. Very excited to do more.
I'm taking myself to a silent auction to celebrate women over 40 to network and dress up.
I joined a pottery club—our first meeting is next week
I joined an astrology club, which meets next month.
It sucks to have these relationships detonate, but I'm grateful for the clarity.
I expected a compassionate and supportive reaction.
I know where I stand with them. I can now pour my energy into new relationships and find friends who don't emotionally abuse or ignore me. It really sucks, but I'm glad to know the truth. Upward and onward, FDS-style.
Edit: In a moment of perfect comedic timing, my 'president', the old lady who uses me for emotional support but has zero respect for me, now needs one of her key cards programmed. That's my department 😁😁😁. This woman took 4.5 days to reply to my email (completely ignoring the issue I brought up!!) so I'm going to take 5 days to comply with her request.
I wish I had something more insightful to say about this but I've been in your shoes before of having people just use me for benefits and then completely forget my existence. It definitely stings like hell to realize that people who you did so much for and valued never felt the same way back, but ultimately cutting them off is the best possible thing you can do for yourself. No more having to emotionally drain yourself and put in unrequited effort. Honestly, I always felt like the FDS rules of dating applied could be applied to all relationships, not just romantic ones. You wouldn't tolerate this kind of behavior from a scrote, right? So why should you tolerate it from a friend? After all, these kinds of toxic friendships have the same type of determental effect on you that entertaining a relationship with a scrote would have.
Elle woods transformation is definitely the rigth way to go and I'm proud of you for walking away and focusing on yourself rather people who don't deserve you. You're on the right track and I hope some new opportunities for HV friends come your way through those activities.
I feel like knowing to focus on yourself and doing things that make you happy instead of relying on others' company for happiness is especially important these days because it feels like the social skills of most people are deteriorating at unprecedented rates. Most people really are just lazy and unworthy of befriending because, just like a lvm, they'll mooch off you. I'll be honest, sometimes it's alarming to think about how lazy people are these days and reading your story reminded me. In my area, it's gotten to a point where a lot of the people who ran events are too old to keep running them so a lot of the events just stopped happening altogether because no one wants to step up to have the torch passed along. It's so sad that so many people these days would rather be chronically online than actually organize and participate in community events.
edit: i wanted to add that you are right to be shocked and upset because what they did was disrespectful as hell. I'm sorry you went through this. Any normal person who has self respect would feel offended by this behavior because it is inherently offensive. Ofc these terrible people tried to gaslight you into thinking you're the problem by all banding together in acting hostilly towards you. I'm glad you're not falling for it and instead are leaving them all in the dust where they belong.
It's so telling: before you came along they did nothing, no social events or anything fun. You were carrying them the whole time, giving to people who just don't care.
Metaphor: were they happy to eat off the plate handed to them? Sure. Will they help cook or serve the food? Nope. It's like the story of the Little Red Hen.
I'm sorry it was painful. But very glad you are letting them go. They don't deserve the effort, and they can go back to their lazy hermit ways. Meanwhile you can find some HV friends!
Thanks for sharing and being vulnerable. This has happened to the best of us. I've experienced "overdoing" with no appreciation for work and family. I don't do that anymore. My wellness is my priority. I've served on boards and now own my own business, as a woman, here's some tips:
Remember, in life and at work, givers naturally attract takers. Beware.
Set boundaries. You have to look at yourself and why you went to great lengths to help others that weren't helping you. Look inward, I had to do it too. That was your choice to do these things. It's ok to do a great job, but set some boundaries around that and be clear to people on what you will and will not do. Men are way better at this than we are. They always have the audacity.
Delegate. Ask people to do things, in writing. Then you'll have evidence to prove that they were not willing to take on tasks and can all them out.
Put yourself first. It sounds like this was for no-pay, a volunteer opportunity. Spending a lot of energy on something that has no tangible personal benefits to you. Why? As woman, people love for us to sacrifice for nothing. We have freedom now, just why??!
This is a hard lesson in "everyone is not your fiend." Especially in professional settings. Most people just don't want to rock the boat, so they agree to things to get along. And they'll hang out if it's low effort.
This is real talk, but you deserve peace, happiness and to surround yourself with authentic people who appreciate you.
Have your Elle Woods moment!
No use staying in touch with people that cussed you pain.
Pottery sounds awesome. I’m looking into classes myself, and looking for a new gym to join.
Feel this way about my own family unfortunately.