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I’ve never felt this jaded and lost. My whole life is a mess. My confidence and trust is in the ground. I spent all of 2022 just trying to get through. Not making art, feeling like a shell of myself around new people at a new job which is a horrible way to be. I'm still shy with new people, but it's this extra shitty thing of not feeling all "there" to be fully myself.
Pandemic ruined so much for me. Personal growth was already paused for me through 2020/21. I was so focused on just getting through. My goals were already falling by the wayside. I did have a counsellor helping me for the PTSD, and felt like I was making a good amount of progress with that.
I went to court for SA in Oct 2020. I was so keen to start therapy and work through it all. I was unemployed in lockdown leading up to court.When I reported it, I already went through a rockbottom and thought that would be it. But it would be so many more
I was unemployed in lockdown leading up to court. I moved cities cause I thought it would help me feel more “free.” It backfired so bad. I moved straight in with another abuser. (It was a whole thing, rly bad with boundaries, misogynisitic, aggressive.) I was so on edge in a time I most needed peace. I learnt domestic abuse isn’t just partners, it can be your housemate. Then he turned out to be an offender himself. Wtf? Fucking unlucky.
I know odds are you're going to meet more men who have done that, but what are the odds I was fucking LIVING with one leading up to court? With so many bad things after the next, you do start to dwell on how you could be dealt so many shitty cards.
I got out, but it was a string of bad houses since then due to the desperation. I was in horrible environments in the aftermath of court while needing to recover. I'm still not where I want to be. Felt like I was homeless all that time, cause I felt so unsafe.
The feeling of wanting to start fresh and explore a new city is not there anymore. I’m not the same as I was before I left. After all the lockdowns, it feels like so much effort to leave the house. It's not as easy as it used to be.
On top of that, after 2 years of being messed around with all that shit, I got my heartbroken. That just tipped me over the edge at the beginning of 2022, and lead to that year of me being a shell of myself.
He'd been making me feel like I had someone there for me through that. He even said we were helping/supporting each other. But not the help I thought it was. I dont want to get too much into that, but he really latched onto the things that were getting me through. it was a big deal for me to share my big interests with him. He was getting emotional with me, supporting my art...
I really dont want to get into him much more than that. There's plenty of FDS content for that specifically.
Bt now those things remind me of him, and I spent all this year not able to use them to get through. Those interests were still MY things before...how do I reclaim them.They were all these things I liked about myself, thats why it felt like someone actually liked me for me. (he didnt, it was all fake, and it hit my self worth so bad)
I felt like I was just finding this confidence right when pandemic hit, and trying so hard to work on myself. He took advantage and now it got torn apart.
I’ve been there before with self worth. I’ve been happily single for big periods of time. I’ve done the work. Ive done it SO many times. I think I'm struggling with the fact that how many times does that have to happen? So many people get into relationships easily, so many people find those things in common and it's a done deal. For me it's still not it and I'm tired.
I'm on anti depressants for the first time and I need to find a new psychologist. I did try again, but she said at the end "So you think things are looking up for you?" Which just crushed me after trying to explain I've been living so horribly that I dont know how to pick myself up. I'm so sick of repeating all that again for the next one, so it just has to wait. I'm just exhausted, I dont know if I should have written it out again.
I finally live in a nice place with nice people. I got a cat, he's great. But having good things in place doesnt solve the fact that I was living so uncomfortably for 2 years, it did so much damage. If I was living comfortably that whole time, fuck that's a comfort you dont even know you have while you have it.
it's like i dont know how to recover from too much being so wrong for so long. Everything still feels like going thru the motions. It's been too many extreme things, one after the next, that has just left me feeling so broken.
Read the handbook a couple more times.
Stop dating men for a few years.
Never have a male roommate.
Focus on yourself instead of friendships until you feel less of a hot mess (ppl are judgy).
Keep seeking supports via therapy and meds.
Understand there is no cure for PTSD. There is only removing yourself from the cause(s) and having a long period of time free of triggers to forget.
I can't speak to the more traumatic experiences you've endured. I believe other women will be of more help, but I wanted to provide some help when it comes to things you love being associated with another person. I became emotionally enmeshed with a man in a very intense way. We loved many of the same things, from writers to musicians to filmmakers. When he ghosted me, it was devastating, and I could not turn to the songs and books and art that I normally would have turned to in order to survive. It felt like a cruel blow from the universe.
What I had to do was stay away from a lot of those things and go on a mission to discover new things. I started to explore different musicians. I went through lists of the greatest albums of all time, that kind of thing, or I took recommendations from friends. I listened to anything and everything. I used the Discovery Weekly feature on Spotify, or looked at radio stations of artists I loved so that I could find other artists. I watched different films, or the films I did watch I had discussions with friends about them so that the film was not so strongly associated with this particular man who hurt me. There are still musicians I can't go near, writers I can't read for now, but I know that one day I will reclaim them.
Don't let him take your passions from you. Give it time and that original spark will come back. Maybe you could take this as an opportunity to seek out new art and to go into new territory. That's what I did. I'm so sorry about your situation and all you've been through. You deserve to at least enjoy the things that would comfort you, but I know what it's like for them to be completely ruined by a horrible man.
So in British Columbia, there's an online chat or phone line you can call in crisis: https://crisiscentre.bc.ca to talk to a person in real time.
When I moved out for the first time from my family, I got to my new place and suddenly became really really depressed. All I could do was stay under the covers in bed or drag myself to work. At one time I slept for 16 hours.
I think it's time + just surviving. Just focus on the highest priority, basic stuff. Finding the right therapist/medication is so key, I think that search takes a priority. That one was worth it, and you'll have to reject a few before you find the right one.
Stay far away from men until you are confident within yourself again. Start by doing loving things for yourself. Do what makes you happy and is healthy for you. Enjoy the sunshine, hot baths, good rest, yoga, long walks, books, etc. Give yourself the love, compassion, and understanding that you were seeking in men. Go to YouTube and do EFT and hypnosis. They're free and can really help you. Spoil yourself with love so that you never approach a relationship from a place of want and need again. Focus on your work and saving money. Best wishes, and sorry to hear you've been thru so much.