.png)
So I've been feeling super depressed, lonely and having suicidal thoughts. About a month ago, I got a blood test done to see if I was deficient in any nutrients (someone on FDS suggested this). It turns out I have a vitamin D deficiency and I also have high blood sugar so I'm at risk of type 2 diabetes. Since then, I haven't been eating any candy, cake, chocolate, etc. or any bread that isn't whole grain. I haven't been drinking anything except water and milk. I've been taking vitamin D, omega 3 supplements and multivitamins. And I go to the gym twice a week. I start each day with 10 minutes of meditation, stretching and reviewing some vocabulary flashcards for an endangered language I am learning (which I do longer study sessions for whenever I have the time). I dress a little better than I used to too now, and I try to maintain a haircare and skincare routine. I also sleep at a reasonable time.
Honestly, while doing all this stuff feels good in the moment, I still have mental breakdowns and cry a lot and I also still feel ugly, hate myself, and I know I'm annoying and boring and no one wants to be my friend. No one cares about me. Like sure I have old high school friends who invite me to do stuff with them (go shopping, hang out on their birthdays, etc.) and I have classmates in my grad school program who ask me to study with them or get coffee or something. I don't have any friends from undergrad cause i was just depressed and suicidal for 4 years straight so I didn't make any friends during that time. But if we're being real, none of these people really care about me and they only talk to me cause they're bored.
When am I actually going to have real friends?? I literally just want to be liked. And it feels so unfair that I have to put in all this effort to get noticed when it doesn't even work anyway. Sure, I'm getting physically healthier. But getting healthier when I want to kill myself is weird to me. Like I feel like I'm just prolonging my suffering by doing things that increase my lifespan. Maybe now I won't get diabetes if I keep doing all this. But I'll still be fucking depressed. What's the point of all this? Sometimes I literally just want to eat an entire chocolate cake by myself or something since i used to use sugar as a coping mechanism and now I can't even have the one thing that used to actually make me happy. When people would ignore me or be mean to me, I'd just eat donuts by myself to feel better. Now I just have to sit there feeling like shit.
I also still get obsessively attached to people. However, I've tried to view these obsessions as mental illness rather than love/attraction. When I view them the same way as a sugar addiction or social media addiction or something, it makes it easier for me to quit them cold turkey the way you would with smoking or drugs or something once you muster the willpower. For example, I was really obsessed with this girl who I met in undergrad who would barely text me or hang out with me. I decided I would simply never text her again until she texted me first. She hasn't texted me in over a month I think, so yeah I guess she's not in my life any more and if she does show up again I might just block her number for the sake of my inner peace. And I was getting attached to a classmate because I thought he was much smarter and better looking than me, so I was getting an inferiority complex from talking to him since he was just better than me in every way. So I cancelled the friend request I sent him on Discord and now I decided I'm going to avoid the spot where I liked studying (since it happened to be his favourite study spot as well) and find a new study spot and just pretend he doesn't exist. Unfortunately, he's also in a class where we have to do group work and we're not allowed to pick our groups so I just have to pray I don't get assigned to a group with him. I hate being around people who are so much better than me and make me overthink if I'm acting too creepy or intense around them.
I used to be tempted to completely socially isolate since I get too many mental health issues from interacting with people and they make me feel bad about myself. But now I try to make small talk with people. I just try to view them as NPCs instead of friends, that way they can't really hurt me. I talk to my roommates and they give me suggestions for recipes. One of them recommended a guided meditation app to me that I use now. But I don't go out of my way to do stuff with them since I know it's not going to be reciprocated and only let me down. One of them even has similar interests to me and said she wants to go to an art gallery with me, but I've realized now that sometimes people just say "We should do X activity together" but they're only doing that to be nice and don't actually mean it. Plus if you ever ask them to do the thing with you they just make excuses and don't actually do it. So I need to have very low expectations from people, or else I'm going to get disappointed. I just hope my life gets better because I'm so full of hatred and resentment that I find life pretty intolerable right now.
i used to feel similarly a few years ago. i struggled with persistent depression disorder (i think - also known as disthimia)for the longest time. i wanted to die, but i didn't have the guts to kill myself... so i felt like taking care of my health was pointless. the result of this was i lived in that sort of limbo between self preservation and self sabotage.
do you go to therapy? if not, you should.
if therapy isn't your thing or if you've tried and it made things worse, or if you can't afford that, maybe try alternative therapy. i've had some experiences with psychedelics and they were good for my mental health. in one of them, i was on the floor listening to music when i started to imagime what it would be like to be someone else who loves me. so i visualized myself in the third person and imagined what i'd feel if i was a boyfriend in love with me, or my mother, or just someone who might love me sincerely. girl......... at that moment i loved myself. i did. i l-o-v-e-d me. i had never felt anything like it. it was increadible.
the benefits took a while to actually sink in. my mental health didn't get better immediately, but almost a year later. there are scientific studies about how psychedelics can be an alternative treatment for depression and other mental health issues. read about it, it's extremely interesting!
IMPORTANT: do NOT mess with psychedelics without supervision of experienced and serious people. do NOT try psychedelics if there are cases of schizophrenia in your family, or if you have bipolar disorder. read, study, educate yourself about the subject (risks and benefits) before diving into any sort of experimentation. it's not for just anyone and it can be dangerous.
If you have high blood sugar and are pre-diabetic, you should be following or aiming to follow a diabetic diet. Also, milk increases blood glucose levels.
Grad school is no joke. It was one of the most stressful times in my life. If you can incorporate enjoyable, leisurely activities with people or alone, do it! You said you go to the gym twice a week. Exercise or yoga classes can be fun plus it's a group activity with other like-minded individuals.
I'd recommend trying out some group hobbies or hiking clubs if you have the time. I've found a church that I really like and there are all kinds of groups available to be a part of outside of the Sunday services.
FDS seems to at times be really against therapy. For me, regular therapy sessions, antidepressants and prioritizing my health in other ways has really been beneficial.
You deserve happiness and peace.
I can't believe how much I relate to this statement. I wish I could talk to you one-on-one about this because I feel we are at similar stages in life, I'm suffering on a day-to-day level as well and don't know how much longer I will be able to take it. But just know that even though people can be very self-sufficient, when you meet somebody who appreciates you, you will be able to recognize it, and as much as that feels impossible right now, believe me, it is not.
Grad school has a way of bringing out things that were shoved down or bulldozed in favor of keeping on in general. I can't answer what seems like your main question, 'why bother doing all the work when you feel like dying anyway.' What I liken it to, though, is like this towering gear, made of stone or metal. All the efforts to change and the sheer force needed to shove against that gear in the attempt to get it budging an inch feels futile. Then you get it moving a tiny bit. And you push against it even more. Every effort exhausts you, and when you pull away from it to get a view, you see you're an eternity away from getting a full turn on the thing. At some point though, the gear does get to that turning point, and makes its round. When we keep going, the momentum of habit and the way your efforts build off of one another make each turn a little faster to get to, a little quicker on the uptake, and sooner or later you really get it going, and it works like part of a well-oiled machine. What your machine is depends on want you value in life.
Unfortunately, I can relate to this a lot—despite my being too old to be feeling this way.
I wish I had advice but I don’t. I just want to thank you for posting it bc I feel less alone. I am going through it too, where I do the “right” things but don’t feel like they’re moving me ahead. I hope one day we will see the fruits of our labor, or that someone else will before we do.
Ugh...been there kiddo. I find it easier to keep to myself. Maybe youll make a break thru (as i have) to have no issues or hesitation to withdraw completely into your own society. Im not sure why socially isolating oneself is frowned upon? best of luck🖤
Do you give yourself rest and do you let out anger in a healthy way?