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I'm currently in therapy and have gotten to some uncomfortable topics that I haven't discussed with other therapists in the past. These include things such as cheating on significant others in the past, how in those same relationships to some extent that was my way of trying to get out of the abuse or unhappiness, trauma from sexual assault, friends leaving after finding out about my trauma, family trauma.. Basically times in the past where I have been a bad person to others and others have been bad to me. Please know I'm not here to justify my actions with what I am saying. I know the part I've played very clearly.
The thing is, now that I finally have this safe space to talk to a therapist about it all, what else can/should I be doing? I've been doing a lot of reflecting and taking a look at why I've stayed with people who hurt me or who I have been unhappy with, why I've cheated, why I didn't handle things the way a healthy minded individual should have. Even if some of these things were years ago, sometimes they still feel so fresh and painful.
Another question I have is: is it okay to leave someone because you don't feel like you can grow staying with them? Or because you feel like because of your own personal issues, you need the space to grow and heal without having to worry about someone else? I feel like these are silly questions, but besides my therapist I see once a week, I don't have anyone else to turn to for advice.
And how do you even begin to forgive yourself for any kind of bad thing you have done? Is that even possible? It doesn't feel possible, but I want to be able to move on and stop living this way, where day after day I'm beating myself up over the past. If someone came to me and gave me a list of things they'd done wrong, I'd tell them we all make mistakes and to work on being a better person to themselves and the existing and new people who come into their lives, to not beat themselves up so much. But why do I have such a hard time applying that to myself? I feel stuck and hopeless.
> Or because you feel like because of your own personal issues, you need the space to grow and heal without having to worry about someone else?
I never really understood this. Isn't one of the main points of a relationship that your partner helps you when you're going through personal issues? Why even bother trying to rope someone into being your partner if you think they're this kind of burden?
Focus on healing your attachment patterns and you'll grow as you go. That's the main purpose of a therapist, to find a safe experienced person to practice building safe attachment with.
As far as forgiving yourself goes: you'll never do it if you try to focus on it. Idk why, but if you actively look at your past with the intent to forgive yourself you'll just spiral into shame. Because it's a very past oriented focus, it keeps you stuck. If you focus on not repeating those actions you deem unworthy of yourself, you will find yourself future oriented
Once you start growing into the future, you may be embarrassed about your past self, but you'll have compassion for her. She was doing the best she could with the tools she had at the time. When you've gotten new tools (knowledge) and learned to use them (therapy) and now that you know you aren't bound to continue repeating the past you are able to let go of the guilt and shame around your past.
I think guilt and shame are feelings your body uses to try to protect you from repeating the past- but it ends up in the land of toxic rumination. It's our brains way of trying to help us, but getting in its own way.
i think i can understand you a little bit... no one is perfect. i think that the fact you recognize and regret the part you played in everything that happened, an the things you did is a great thing. most people don't do that. so that's one thing.
as for being nice to yourself like you are nice and forgiving to other people, one thing that helpes me is picturing myself in third person. i once had a psychedelic experience where i did that while imagining my first person self was a boyfriend or my mom - someone that loved me. and at that moment i felt love for myself. it was weird and beautiful. I haven't had other psychedelic experiences since then, but i've learned how to "see myself in third person" when i'm sad and make my first person self take care of me like a mom-child relationship. sounds crazy, know hahaha but it works for me. i think it can be a good exercise.
i think it is totaly okay to leave someone to take care of yourself. mental health is complicated and sometimes what we really need is some time to get back on our feet. some people do that with the help of other, but other people do a better job when they are alone. i think the most important thing is to respect yourself and respect others, being honest with people (who deserve your honesty).
hope i've helped!
In the words of the fantastic Cheryl Strayed, "Wanting to leave is enough."
Yes, it's totally fine and actually encouraged to leave somebody if you don't feel like you can grow with them. First of all, it's easier to grow when you're single because you have all the time in the world to give yourself for self care, hobbies, friendships and the things that actually will grow your personality like volunteering, passion projects. You don't have to worry about Steve wanting his dick sucked every other day or worrying if Steve is with another woman when you don't hear from him. In other words, dating can be a distraction. I took literally three or even four years off of dating after my last ex between the ages of 24 and 27. I turned 28 a couple months ago and it was the best thing I ever did. I've dated since right before I turned 28, and I had almost zero baggage and was able to fully form as a human being, something I wasn't able to do when I was trying to date all the time between the ages of basically 18 and 23.
These are formative years, and if you spent your twenties dating instead of forming your personality, I would recommend you take some time off to grow. There will always be another man waiting. My father met his wife in his 60s, she is also in her 60s and they are a perfect match, she is an angel. You might feel panicked like everybody is getting married, but when you're in your late 30s and 40s you'll see the first round of divorces and realize you had nothing to rush.
In terms of forgiving yourself for bad things you've done in the past, I don't know how bad they are but I cheated on my first ever boyfriend when I was 18. I was still in high school, and immediately after it happened I broke up with him and never ever did that again. I had to learn that just because some guy calls themselves your friend, doesn't mean he's not going to try to make a move on you if you get alone. So it's not like I was out here on tinder stringing a guy along for months and years on end, I had a one-time mistake because I exposed myself to being alone with a male friend and didn't realize that male friends would cross boundaries and that I might be susceptible.
I literally have not had any instance of cheating or even wanting to in the last TEN years.
So unless you were truly abusive, terrible, lying to men and cheating on them for weeks and months and years on end, I don't think you've really done anything bad. Forgive yourself, I was unhealthy mentally so of course I was not going to be the most healthy relationship partner. I've been cheated on as well, I don't think it's karma, I think this world is full of f***** up people and we are all f***** up at different points.
In terms of forgiving yourself, you might want to look at the 12 steps. Also consider how you would view your self if you were a friend or family member. I highly doubt you would be so hard on yourself. I became Christian for a while, because I liked the idea of giving my sins to Jesus and being forgiven, but I ended up not being so religious anymore and now I'm quite spiritual and I do like the Abraham Hicks material on YouTube which has been the single most effective spiritual material I've ever encountered.
Good luck.
Tell yourself never again. Don’t look back because the future is the only thing you can change. I come from an abusive pickme household amendments went to therapy for it because I felt that nobody would understand, At times I feel hopeless at times I feel like a failure but I know that you are only a failure if you give up.