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This one is a long one, but I could really use the advice. I appreciate anyone who actually reads this.
So I'm ending a nearly 7-year relationship with a LVM who's kind of a narcissist, (but definitely a bad boyfriend) around the end of February.
I'm so, so grateful for FDS, because it's taken a year and a half of reading posts on our old subreddit (and now, this site), and even more therapy to finally see the light and be done at the end of February. I've been working for a year to get my ducks in a row financially, career-wise, etc. I'm working with a personal trainer and am down 35 lbs. I'm even planning on moving to the state of my dreams (US) where I can pursue my passions in 6 months. I'm in my mid 20s and I don't want to waste anymore of my life being bread-crumbed, future-faked, and having my shine dulled.
However, the last cliff I have to hop off lies in my habit of serial monogamy.
I know that all of the logic behind waiting to get into another relationship when you've healed makes perfect sense. I know that typically you want to go on a heart sabbatical, travel, foster relationships with (preferably lady) friends, work on hobbies, etc. for a long time before getting back out there. To enter the dating landscape stronger, and with a great sense of self.
But I'm just really struggling with the idea of waiting and being alone.
Something that's helping is realizing how pointless dating would be right now - aside from the fact that I'll be recovering from a breakup and don't trust my judgement 100% atm, I'm going to be going to a new state over 1,000 miles away in only 6 months, so there's no point in "seeing what's out there" where I live right now.
The problem is that I struggle because I'm in kind of a unique situation: Most people, when they have breakups, go to their parent's home as long as the need to, or their best friend's place, or hang out with their siblings. The people that love them and make them feel whole. But I don't have any family. Other than a cousin I don't see but maybe 2 or 3 times a year, and a sister that lives in another state that I'm just beginning to get to know, my family disowned me as a teen because my mother used to abuse me physically for close to a decade. When I came out about it all, no one took my side. I was homeless for around 3 years, and after a string of relationships that were all abusive in some way, met my current partner.
I'm finally manifesting the idea that this relationship, despite meaning I have someone, is costing me so much in terms of opportunity cost, stress, and self-worth. FDS has woken me up in ways that don't allow me to return to my normal life with him. But I'm not in so much denial that I can't acknowledge that the reason I've always seeked out partners and not been single for long is because I want some kind of support. I run a nonprofit. I'm senior in my field. I mentor. I volunteer and have employees. EVERYONE needs me, but I don't have a rock myself. I'm the helper that no one helps. As a child, I didn't have support at home, either.
I already know it's going to be incredibly hard being alone every day, and just having a handful of people that I go see - I know because I had to do it when I was homeless. It's hard dealing with the combination of being super busy (so making new friends is difficult), struggling with investing in making new friends knowing I'm going to leave here soon enough, and the average 20-something not relating to me much; When I'm finally among potential new friends my age, I'm ahead of the typical 20-something, so people end up asking me for career advice instead of just wanting to hang out and do silly 20-something-year-old stuff. I've been told directly that they're intimidated by my career - I've asked people that I've hung out with a few times how they're doing, and had them flat-out tell me, "Fine, but tbh, I feel a little weird telling you what's going on in my life when you just finished a successful fundraiser, or got a raise at work. I just feel like the stuff I want to talk about is boring." It'e either that, or they find out what I do and immediately ask them to hook them up with a job, look at their resumes, mentor them, etc.
As I said... all of the advice I hear feels like it doesn't really apply to me. "Just go visit some family that loves you, and they'll validate you!" What family? "Just validate yourself! You don't need anyone to do it." People who say this usually do have family that are aiding in that pursuit." I have pets, but one of my two dogs is a puppy, and is very demanding. It doesn't quite replace human touch. I don't know where I'm going to get that platonically from now on (my therapist is the sweetest woman who gives me a hug from time to time, but that's the most of it). And we all know what the handbook says about casual sex... (especially in this post Roe v Wade world we live in). I don't even want to have any, and sex toys don't really cut it. It isn't about an orgasm - it's about receiving a hug when you cry, or comfort when things are wrong.
I know that I can start dating a some rando man in a month's time who can do all of those things and just be ZVM or LVM and a mediocre lover and partner at best, and absolutely wreck everything else in my life and use up all my resources at worst - the issue isn't whether or not I can find a man. It's that human beings need frequent validation, care, touch, etc., and I do not know where to go from here on getting that when there are people here and in other places that recommend waiting potentially years to see someone again. I know that, at least as things currently stand, I cannot handle that, and I don't know what to do about it. I'm not saying that can't change, but I'm being honest when I say I don't have the capacity to handle it.
My parents weren't there for me. The adults in my life, when I reported what was going on at home weren't there for me. My teachers and bosses and exes weren't there for me... but I'm constantly showing up for everyone else. I feel like people can say all day, "Be your own rock", but even the energy to do that has to come from somewhere. I can't just drum up this endless well of optimism and self-confidence. Everyone deserves a rock. A home base. I don't have that, and I don't know how to fill that void when my partner won't be that anymore.
I don't want any smoke for this, either... I'm a woman with PTSD, ADHD, and am on the Spectrum. I have so much trauma that won't stand being called a pickme for being at this point. For feeling like I'm not strong enough. I'm not going to act on these feelings, and I'm here seeking advice on the topic, and am willing to try anything/receive any suggestions, feedback, etc. But hearing, "Tough titties, just tough it out, you'll live." without any tangible steps/ways to do so, and being called a pickme is not something that's going to be helpful. It'll likely just break me down more, mentally, and frankly, I don't need that right now.
Thanks if you read all of this.
You're going through a lot right now, and first of all I applaud you for choosing yourself and working on creating a scrote free, peaceful life. That's huge and you shouldn't feel bad that it's also causing bouts of uncertainty and anxiety. I think that's normal with big life changes. I'd still not advise to date again or even be available for men. They are even more dangerous than usual when you're in a vulnerable position. Your priority should be to find other ways to combat loneliness. If you don't have friends, join hobby groups, maybe even online. Maybe you can consider a pet. Maybe you can get spa treatments or massages here and there. Maybe you can talk to friendly strangers more (elderly ladies are great haha). But also learn to enjoy your own company. What are things that get you in the zone and make you feel at peace with the world? Most people have a thing or two like that, if not, it's a good idea to find one. It's probably still going to suck some days, and it's not your fault for not being "strong enough" for it to never suck. We can't protect ourselves from every bad feeling ever, best we can do is allow it to be there and let it pass. Most women here are probably going to be sympathetic to those occasional low moods, there's lots of posts seeking encouragement. Validation from an anonymous online community is not the gold standard, but it's better than nothing. Whatever things you choose to try, applaud yourself for trying. There's no easy step by step solution for your problems, sadly. I know you're looking for actionable advice and that's understandable, but so much in life comes down to trial and error because we can never fully know another person's circumstances. A therapist could probably give you more tailored advice.
I relate to your post since I've been in your position and don't talk to my family. Giving to others is how we know to sustain a connection and get breadcrumbs of affection, but, the giver who gets nothing turns resentful. When you're running on empty and desperate to feel taken care of (even for a minute) or nurtured, you turn to some pretty mediocre people. Been there. Being the responsible kid only gets you more responsibility.
As someone who struggled to relate to my peers growing up (thanks parentification), I suggest you make friends who are slightly older than you. Ideally female friends, that is. This could be accomplished through joining a hobby group like knitting or cross-stitch, for example. I found that dynamic really helpful for me because it calmed a lot of the nerves and anxiety I felt when with my peers. I don't have contact with my mom, so having a few older women in my life has helped replace what's lacking.
Once your life is full of friendship and connection, then it might make sense for you to try dating again. Until then, I'd steer clear. It's too easy to fall into a relationship for validation, then we get stuck. Being alone is a gift. I invite you to shift your perspective and see how liberating it is.
I just want to hug you virtually. Your predicament is real. I don't believe we can live without mutual support but many people out there are withdrawing as society becomes more and more avoidant, sometimes for understandable reasons. I also struggle very much with the fact that the depth and openness (and honesty) I look for in a relationships are not really there. It's not you or me, it's society that's fucked up and becoming atomized by the minute. People who didn't have the best start in life relationship wise are the ones who are posed to suffer more from this state of things. Yeah I know it's a scam, but there's really nothing wrong with you for wanting what you want and feeling how you feel. Perhaps I can tell you this: if you go the serial monogamist route while vulnerable, you are at risk of meeting bad men who will take advantage of your support and will leave you feeling even more unsupported. This will reinforce the pattern in your mind/heart/soul keeping you in a vicious cycle, and will make you lose all faith. Trust me you dont want to get there.
Try to reframe things this way: you are getting ready to find and receive the right support. This requires you to do some healing and becoming good at vetting, so it requires taking it slow with dating or going on a hiatus. If it helps you deal with it, see it as a stepping stone to a truly supportive relationship if that's your goal. Also consider this: men are not the most reliable creatures with support. They tend to want it and not give it. Even if you find the greatest man alive, you MUST have other sources of support in your life because one man is never enough or a guarantee. So use this time to learn what support can feel like, outside of a romantic relationship. Support groups? Therapy? Social clubs? Friends? I would start with giving less and being less useful, and not position yourself as the giver in your relationships, unless you really want to because it's mutual.
How do you refrain from dating when you get your emotional support from partners? You learn how to give it to yourself, and you get it from cultivating a community of women. If we are honest with ourselves, men aren't giving us much emotional support to begin with, if any. Take inventory of your current bf, and write down all the ways he has emotionally supported you, and all the ways he hasnt.
You are going through so much, but the fact that you are in your mid 20s and have accomplished so much, overcome abuse and are continuing to better yourself...you are a queen. There is a lot of wonderful advice in the comments so far by the ladies here but just to add, does your city have a women's center? Free for women and they will probably have a cataloge on classes and groups and you may find a connection with another lady there. Also, libraries usually offer different classes and groups - everything from book clubs, to seasonal adult crafts, to just get together. Kind of similar, but if you have a community recreation center, you might have to pay a fee but they seem to offer groups where you could meet others (hopefully badasd women!) like pottery or maybe even a women's bad mitton or walking club.
My heart goes out to you and I support you 100% and am so proud of you 💚
But I'm just really struggling with the idea of waiting and being alone.I relate to your situation a lot. Ran away as a teenager as well. I want to touch on this part. This is like a bandaid that is gonna have to be ripped off at some point. Something that helped me (other than just diving in) is thinking about it as solitude instead of alone or loneliness. Your sister that you're still getting to know, maybe see if shes cool with the occasional phone call? Something else that helps me is being mindful of the content im consuming. I catch myself doom scrolling/watching and putting myself in a bad mood, and correct it with more positive content. I saw something a year ago that was a list of top 5 regrets elderly people have before they die, and one of the top ones was "happiness is a choice." That stuck with me and when I catch myself mentally doom spiralling, I tell myself "Not today Satan." "But that's not my problem" "That's none of my business" "There's nothing I can do about it"
"Be you're own rock" is cliche and unhelpful, but fixing my mentality has helped me boatloads and made the cheesey saying doable.
I've asked people that I've hung out with a few times how they're doing, and had them flat-out tell me, "Fine, but tbh, I feel a little weird telling you what's going on in my life when you just finished a successful fundraiser, or got a raise at work. I just feel like the stuff I want to talk about is boring."Everybody thinks they are boring, tell them that lol maybe they'll open up. I think I'm boring too.
they find out what I do and immediately ask them to hook them up with a job, look at their resumes, mentor them, etc.Definite no to these people
I don't have that, and I don't know how to fill that void when my partner won't be that anymore.You two have been sleeping in different rooms for a couple of years correct? If so, you kinda have a head start. You said you know you cant handle being alone, maybe consider a roommate, even if you don't need one? I don't mean to sound user-ish or like a roommate is an emotional support human, but a (good) roommate does make me feel safer in general, a house more homie, if you will lol. (A bad one can drive you insane too though)
I don’t have much advice to you, but we are in pretty similar situations. My family of origin was also abusive to me and I went no/low contact with them. Cue being in relationships pretty consistently since freshman year of college.
I also have ptsd. One thing that helped me was joining a PTSD support group. I found it through meetup. If you want, I can PM you the link. Most of the time, it’s all women participants and the moderator is a woman as well.
Hi lovely. I also had to cut my abusive family out bar my mother, although she's really not privy to the details of my life and I see her around once a year. I cannot imagine how hard life must have been for younger you. I'm so glad you rescued her and that you're doing well for yourself despite this horrendous start to life.
That desire for connection, feeling so cut off and like you're lacking something so vital and taken for granted by others that they don't realise that this is a huge thing for you, I get that. I really do. I had no one when I first moved to where I live bar my ex, no one from home who could be there for me either but instead made life worse every opportunity they got even though. New people seemed unable to truly appreciate what I was lacking either. I started to feel even more like something is wrong with me and isolation made me feel like a pariah and like all I had was my ex. Finally, I got the validation by acknowledging this in therapy and then making some older female friends who just so happened to share this experience.
Life is hard and you know this better than most. You also seem to appreciate that it can be great too. Don't settle for anyone that ever takes you back to settling for that lack of control to let in only people who are good to you. You were a child then. You're an amazing, capable woman who deserves only loving people around her now.
Stop giving. Start receiving. It may feel uncomfortable but you get used to better treatment, unfortunately like we get used to bad treatment. Test out how it feels like a project so you're detaching yourself a little and share less of you to begin with. Things take time but everything tells me you're a meticulous planner. Just some patience and being kind to yourself in between will help. Listen, you can bear this. You've dealt with worse.
For me, it took me a couple of years to find my people and they know what I need now, so the extra long hugs and such are so special. What helped was finding emotionally open but respectful friends since I'm also on the spectrum and can be closed off because I grew up in an abusive family that made me extremely wary of people.
A lot of this situation describes me. Even in my fantasies of being a HVW I sometimes find myself thinking of someone noticing me and telling me how cool they think I am. It sounds lame I know. But I think everyone does this sometimes, right? My suggestion for you is to try to make an online female friend. I can't be what you need, but I know there are some ladies here who can.
I find your situation very particular and in some ways similar to mine. I am going to probably get grilled for this but I'm going to offer some controversial advice. You could find someone to date, someone you don't necessarily see yourself with long term, but someone nice enough that offers you some support and affection, while you look for someone better and more sources of support as well. It seems like getting some of your affective needs met will truly help you. When it comes to friends or others, it seems like you're being used for your skills and connections. I would take my time getting to know people, if they're users, if they want to get to know you, etc.. before fully letting them in and helping them. You seem like someone who gives too much of themselves while they're a lot of people out there ready to take it all. This isn't FDS advice but it's my genuine opinion that your situation is way more difficult then the typical person's average situation, so it's up to you to figure out if this is the advice for you and if you can navigate this mentally and emotionally.
Idk your religion, or even if you're religious or not, but maybe you could consider going to church? There are many women - usually older women - that are very kind and solicit, and they'll very likely want to embrace you and advise you on what they can. If not that, maybe some volunteering activity.