Finding FDS after feeling like and wanting to be a man my entire life. Anyone else?

I was groomed at 15 by a male teacher using male nerd interests and it shaped my entire life up until I had a mental breakdown in 2018 at 25 and only now have I fully embraced and accepted myself as the female I am. I also feel grief for the periods of my life that I let be dictated by men. not so much advice as letting you know I relate 🖤

You are not the only one who is finding their strength in their 30s. It's not at all uncommon. It can be a painful process, but ultimately very freeing. As you work your way through this you will find that your life becomes better and more fulfilling than it has ever been. It's hard, but it is so worth it. Strength to you in this trying process.

I have been through a somewhat similar thing, though with different life complications and effects on myself during it. I am a little farther into my 30s than you, and my life has turned around in a shocking manner in the last years. And I am content now. I am finding my peace, finding my strength, and making a new space for myself in the world. I am no longer taking shit from anyone. I don't excuse away poor behaviour. I am no longer scared to lose anyone, and as a result I genuinely expect to be treated very well by the people in my life. The result is that I am surrounding myself only with people who genuinely value me for who I am, and who are good to me. I am free, and living on my own terms. My life as it is now is the best it has ever been throughout my entire adulthood, and it keeps getting better. I am confident that you will get there too, what you are going through now are painful, but neccessary steps.

I admire you so much for being willing to challenge your old biases and worldviews, and wading through the significant pain and discomfort to find the truth. Now that you know what the issue was, you can heal. Like others have said, now is your opportunity to live authentically without idealizing men nor denigrating women. Think of it this way: all of your interests, accomplishments, and wisdom are just as valid and kickass as they were before, but now you get to be more content.

Also, we're all in this together. I would imagine everyone on this site has been bamboozled by society at one point, or else we wouldn't need FDS. Who hasn't felt pressure to be the Cool Girl? I know I certainly have, and my brain took some time to work through denial, rationalization, and other stages to truly absorb and accept the FDS message. Society was, for me, obfuscating my intuition to benefit men who did not deserve my time and effort. I was brainwashed. I am done.

I hope it is a smoother ride from here, especially as you learn/re-learn to trust your own intuition. It sounds like you need some time to heal, understandably so. There are some great non libfem therapists out there to help if you ever want to talk to someone.

I think I am the same way, I grew up with all my older brothers so I was a tomboy my whole life. Video games, loved hands-on type of stuff. I picked up on a lot of toxic male traits that has shown up a lot in situations when I was dating men. I tend to be noncommunicative, not very emotional up front, distant, aloof, I can be kind of using weaponize incompetence so I don't have to do anything myself just cuz lazy. The weird part is that even though I exhibit these traits other men can't STAND dealing with a woman that has the same annoying behaviors they have. They want to be the only ones with these issues. I can't find a guy willing to chase me to no end and try to "fix" me like most LVM do, pouring all his money, time and attention to in hopes that I one day change for him. Weird how my life flipped the script but because I am a woman, everyone in my life has complained about me because of that.

Thank you for sharing, @unbearablelightness! <3 In the past, I had a phase of being more male identified as a sort of defense mechanism against men and women. Much to th detriment of my mental health, I played the role of a "cool girl" in a situationship. Hell, I even used to be an Elon Musk fangirl (gag). In life we change and if we don't change, we die. I think that you acknowledging your struggle to come to terms with your innate femininity is a good start! I agree with @Thehorsefair that stated that taking care of yourself (no matter how "little" the tasks are) is an excellent way to begin your journey to becoming your best self. I also think that you should take it easy on yourself if you're having any self-critical thoughts. I know it's easier said than done but it definitely comes with practice and I've even had to resort to reciting daily mantras to "trick" my mind into thinking positively. It's not too late to flip things around, it's your turn to go for what YOU want and on YOUR terms. Good luck! <3

I'm glad you're on this journey and I'm so sorry for what those nasty scum bags did to you. I want to share something a therapist told me once that I still think about: Healing is not a straight path up a mountain and there is no magical "healed state." The healing journey is like following a river, sometimes the tide is easy when things make sense and changes are easy to make and sometimes it's so rough it tears you apart because nothing makes sense and change feels impossible and you turn around go right back in the direction you just came from. And that's ok. What you learn through self-work and therapy is that the goal is not happiness- for that is a fleeting feeling. You're learning a sense of confidence in your self actualization. It is going to take a long time to unpack all the misogynistic and male-dominated bullshit rotting your memories. Please remember to be compassionate to yourself in the process (ie: sometimes the best self care is getting good sleep, bathing, and brushing your teeth) But know we've been too queen and we are happy to offer love, help, and a listening ear. You're already doing so well writing to us.

A belief I always hold on to is that everything is going according to plan. Your path was never wasted because this was the only path you could have taken and this revelation is coming to you at the right time. Who knows if you would have been able to handle it in the past? Now life hands you this information because regardless of how terrible it feels, this is the right time.

I struggled with someting similar growing up, i disliked when people acknowledged that I am a woman. Like i didnt want to be perceived that way. And I wasnt even tomboyish, just a normal girl. But all the stuff I heard about women and how we are seen, manifested in me subconciously rejecting a huge part of my identity. By far, out of all of my terrible experiences in life, the realization of how women are seen in this world, was the most traumatizing. Its a direct threat to my identity and I cannot take it.

Grieve for now. Its okay to cry, i cried every single night too for months. It was horrible but it got better. I still struggle with some aspects of womanhood but damn am I grateful for the privilege of being born a woman. Its a gift to me.

The important thing is to take steps to improve. Take a break from men, be around women with a similar mentality to the one you want to have. Feminine in a authentic way, not in a pick me way. Its difficult though, cause in all honesty I had to define for myself what it means to be feminine. The entire pretty, make up thing is cool but not femininity. Its so much more.

Feel free to ask more if you are looking for guidance, i dont have all the answers but I am happy to help :)

Forgiving yourself and grieving is a hard prosess. You did the best you could in a fucked up system. Grieving takes time, it's a prosess. It's also okay to be angry. Very angry at the world and the men who abused you. The best fuck you is to truly love yourself. Good luck on your journey ❤️

I feel you on ruminating about the life paths you've taken due to internally worshipping men. You're not alone! You're here now and taking steps to talk about it with a therapist is wise. Embrace your feminity and don't let anyone else tell you that it's shameful!

Yes. I understand what you're going through. Growing up I've been nothing but raped and beaten by men since the age of 10. I equivalented power with men and therefore being a woman was weak in a sense. Feelings, femininity, and intuition really felt like a weakness. Anything girly, anything soft. Vulnerability I know it feels like a lot, but you are taking a lot of your power back by recognizing what was given to you was a false sense of self. The fact that you're here right now means that your life hasn't been a complete waste in that internally you've always been fighting to become the woman you truly want to be you've just had so many obstacles and terrible men along the way enforcing and knocking you down. How can you not have this pain and trauma from it that experience? I would recommend embracing your femininity as hard as possible. Listen to who you are, don't be ashamed. True femininity is strength by having a balance. Being able to recognize feminity is vulnerability, a strength at which only women have, which you are displaying right now. You already are the woman you truly want to become, you just need a little bit more support. 💖 For me in a martial arts background I took a lot of my power back by embracing my femininity in a male-dominated space without letting them corrupt who I am. It wasn't easy, but reinforced who I am as a woman and a proud strong, and I would say very feminine woman. Physically they would push me around but when it came to agility and wits I always conquered. Femininity is vulnerability. Which equates to power= here on FDS we can see and understand men for who they are by understanding that ourselves we would never treat someone the way they treat us. Being able to take that power back is feminine within itself, not letting men or the patriarchy conquer us. Femininity itself is embracing all qualities, yin and yang, Love and hate, true acceptance: as opposed to patriarchal rigid rules of ego and emotional stintedness. When you can see as women what hurts us you'll be able to weaponize, protect yourself if need be. Men lack empathy and self-awareness. We as women don't. That is our true strength.

You are brave for sharing this. I don't have experience in this to speak from, but I want to say I'm rooting for you.