Feeling resentment towards my ex-in laws (other women) who support my rapist and abuser

I am so so sorry. Is there any chance of appealing the custody arrangement?

The behavior of his mother and sister is despicable. Speaking as the sister of a very abusive man, I have to wonder if their lack of eye contact is because they know you’re telling the truth. Such men often victimize female relatives before victimizing partners later in life. It absolutely doesn’t excuse their behavior; in fact, it makes it worse. But I would not be surprised if they believe you but have convinced themselves he’s “not that bad” simply because he’s family and they’re biased.

Regardless, it’s terrifying to share your sons with these people, but if the situation continues, try your best not to underestimate your sway as a mom. A mother can influence her children, even mothers sharing children with the worst fathers out there.

I’m so sorry. I’ve been in your shoes and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. Sharing custody with an abuser is inescapable long-term unless he gets bored and stops being involved on his own.

One of the hardest parts after leaving an abuser is all the women who don’t believe you, all the women who withdraw their friendship and support from you, and all the women who chose your abuser over you. It feels shocking and it hurts a lot. Understand your ex immediately lied to his family when you left so he could get to them before you did. Abusers are terrified of their families knowing the truth about them. You can either try to tell them your side or write them off completely.

I’m so sorry that you live in a father’s rights state. They don’t care about mothers at all. There’s nothing you can do to protect your child and get supervised access unless there are physical wounds from abuse to document, texts or phone messages of him threatening to harm the child, or multiple witnesses stating he is a danger to his child. The courts think abusers can magically stop being abusers in front of children. He likely will actually turn it off for a few years and play perfect father. He won’t abuse until he feels safe —until the courts aren’t watching so closely.

You should think about your next baby. You don’t have to put your ex on the birth certificate. Ask your lawyer how you can prevent your baby from being involved in shared custody and decision making. He has no established relationship with the baby to maintain because it’s not born yet.

I know you don’t want to hear this (no mother does), but an extreme option for your older child is to give up (or threaten to give up) your parental rights to your ex and his family and then run away with the new baby (move states before the birth). It is the only way of not being entangled with him and his family for the rest of your life. You may be forced to pay child support, however. Definitely talk to your lawyer though. It’s all about what you think you can live with.

I'm sorry to hear about your past and present experiences. But you are so strong! You are a true Queen! You were strong enough to walk out in such difficult circumstances! Try to ask for help all of your social network and community (even if just moral support). And stay strong! So many women go back. Not doing that is one of the most important things you can do for yourself and your kids. Even if you will have to share custody, it's a better situation for you and them than staying in an abusive home.

Hugs to you, this ongoing trauma is incredibly intense and horrific. Fuck all of these toxic enabling jackasses. I’m so pissed off at his whole entire cursed family. Never trust them or try to befriend or be nice to them. Focus as you’ve been doing on rebuilding and your own healing.

Your kids are incredibly blessed and lucky to have you.

This might be a bit long-winded but...I think it could potentially be good to share.

My mom often told me and my brother growing up about the bad things that our dad did to us. They separated when I was about two years old. Then we moved from Europe to North America. Apparently my dad went to court saying that she kidnapped us. But she had proof (a letter) that she had clearly communicated her address for him to come visit us. Then he said he didn't have money for the plane ride. So the decision made in court was that he didn't have to pay for child support so that he would have the money to come visit us overseas.

Guess what he did?

He never came to see us even once out of like...ten years? It's hilarious. (I mean, super horrible also but you know what I mean.)

(P.S. For the sake of feeling some satisfaction and vindication and hope I want to mention that when we finally ended up back in Europe he had to pay up for all the time he hadn't paid lol)

I still decided to meet him and give him a chance at 24 years old.

I wanted to speak with him about everything my mom said about him and I wanted to know what really happened. He acted mostly innocent and his stories didn't even match up. Finally, he said that I "lacked good sense" because I didn't believe his version of events. That's when I said to him that he crossed the line and I walked out and I never talked to him again.

My brother and I have wondered about our mom keeping us from our father...but after all this, I feel like she might have done what she thought was best to protect us from him.

I'm not happy at all that I pretty much grew up without a dad (she did remarry) -- I'm certain all this is a big part of why I've suffered so much in my life with dating men -- but I can now understand that the alternative probably would have been so much worse...

Don't know if this is helpful at all but... At the least, I really pray for protection and guidance and reassurance in your life. Also hope. Hold on to hope.

My heart really goes out to you.

Much love. ♥️

Obviously what you’re dealing with is on the worst end of the spectrum and I’m very sorry for all you experienced. With that being said, in general, I’ve found you will never have a true friend in a male partner’s female relatives. They’re always going to choose their guy’s side. I’ve seen it all the time with my mom and brother. My sister-in-law is upset that he got fired and can’t pay the bills? To my mom, that’s horribly cruel to her son and my SIL just needs to be more supportive. A lot of women are the main enablers of crappy men.

If I could tell you one thing, journalize everything. Every day , every detail . Even if it’s a small problem with that man. It will be so important to have documented everything if there are future legal issues. Please trust me on this.

I just wanted to tell you that I support you and I have been in similar shoes (still 50/50 for the next decade with my abusive ex, pro-daddy state myself).

The one thing I would be careful of is going to this family and not realizing it will get back to him.

If he does not pay all his child support, please first inform your attorney and let them handle it if you can afford that option or inform child support enforcement in your state.

The other thing about the cats: an abuser who is willing to use his chlidren as most do, and yours [and mine] did to manipulate you, will most definitely use the cats (even if they are long gone) to continue to manipulate you.

I would be careful about mentioning them for that reason. Any thing you become attached to that he can use to manipulate you, he will.

I am in a situation of parallell parenting where I cannot call my kids unless it's an emergency or important or on the custody drop days or they call me because my ex used to use it to manipulate me and refuse them from speaking to me.

I would make sure you keep an active safety plan and remember his family can be a threat, dont' discount that, because they will support him over you, even knowing he is wrong. And yes they will be embarassed but these women will always support abusive men in their families over women they don't know as well. I learned this the hard way.

I am proud of your courage in leaving and I hope you know you are not alone, @TealCactus

This guy and his family are gonna make your life living hell. I'm so sorry. If you decide to keep with the 50/50 custody, it's gonna be a loooong 18 years. Maybe just give him full custody and you pay child support? That would give you the most freedom from him and his family. But I know that's heartbreaking, too. Just know that it's an option. Men treated women so badly in marriage, because they know they can control her via the kids. And he's only got the kids now to use as a weapon against you, since you're no longer physically there. Do your best to stay away from them, and is there a way to keep him from using his family for childcare? Thats such a bad thing for you, since they created this violent monster in the 1st place. You'd think the courts would force him to pay for outside childcare or let your family keep them especially since he's been violent towards you.