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So some strange things have happened in the last few months that have made me re-evaluate and terminate a couple of my friendships. I would say that I'm a huge champion of women and make it a point to love, appreciate and uplift the women in my life but I am so exhausted by how many women simply just do not seem to have energy for other women. I'm constantly flitting between: 1. Don't hold women to higher standards, 2. Friendships should be meaningful and require effort, and 3. Be chill and let go of expectations.
In the last few months, I've dealt with:
A friend who allowed her boyfriend to move in and has since been so fucking strangely, and embarrassingly so considering how she used to be, distant and centering her boyfriend to the point of thinking sending me texts like 'My boyfriend will be away on X date, so let's hang out then' is okay. WTF. How do so many women get so obsessed with men to do this?
A couple of friends who weirdly think checking in every couple of months with what's become zero effort is something I shouldn't roll my eyes at and express distaste over. Then, also expect me to make an effort when I don't care anymore because I can't sense the basic level of interest. These two have proved themselves to be pickmes despite being super intelligent women. It's miserable.
A friend who basically said that I should be fine with communicating with her only when she can and that expecting anything more is too much and me expressing that I can't be bothered is me trying to make her feel guilty. Girl, please. You're not that special and I have self-respect and a busy life myself even if I clearly am a far more organised, less negative complain-y person. I've realised that this person is just depressing to be around. She's had an abundance of privilege but is somehow always woe is me.
I've put friendship 1 on the backburner and completely stopped bothering to communicate with friendships 2 and 3. It's so funny to me because one of them from friendship 2 said that my pulling away is something she'd never tolerate in a guy... girl, I know your dating history and you tolerate a LOT of shit from men but somehow expect women to have zero expectations of you in friendships. I also realised that this friend always pop into communication when she wants something.
Letting go of these friendships will benefit my peace of mind in the long term, I'm sure, but right now I'm struggling with feeling like I'm too much, even though I know I'm not and my other lovely HV friends have told me that my expectations are completely normal (with some flabbergasted by the above because they're based 🥰). I just feel like this happens to me repeatedly and I really need to embody completely getting over situations like this. I'm struggling though.
I'd love some advice on how I can perhaps reframe my thinking. I have regular therapy and something I really struggle with is wanting female approval since not only did I grow up with abusive male family but I was also bullied constantly by my sisters who made me feel like I couldn't girl/woman right when I was mostly just being very ND. I think their behaviour harmed me more in some ways than the physical abuse by the male members of my family because I craved female intimacy so much when I struggled through my teenage years as a ND girl.
Edit: If there are flaws in my thinking, please point them out. I've had enough of feeling this way and really want to combat this thoroughly so I don't have to feel this way again. I really thought I had it covered until recently and here I am again.
I'm afraid I don't have any practical advice, but I sympathize with your situation. I am also having some recent epiphanies about my female friends. Not that we don't make time for one another -- we do -- but they are behaving so badly, in various ways, that it's just draining to be around them. They are centering not just men but THE WORST KIND OF MEN and I'm "not supposed to judge," I'm supposed to "support women," but this is leading me to be in a constant state of repressing my strong disapproval, frustration, anger (initially at the men, but increasingly angry at the women as well).
Even when they admit (without my asking) that they are doing the wrong thing, they go on doing it over and over. It is so draining for me, and so depressing because I thought I was fortunate in having such good female friendships. They are loyal and constant; I don't want to end these friendships; they also admire my standards and boundaries (or at least, that's what they tell me) -- one has even told me she sometimes runs things through a "what would Dame_Julian do" filter -- but I realize they may never be on the same page as me. I don't mean this to sound hoity-toity. I'm just lonely.
It's a little depressing. I feel like I have women to chit-chat with, but not REALLY talk to about the things that matter most to me as a woman. We can talk about our careers and hobbies (I sometimes have to direct the conversations in those directions, but they're always willing) but there's always this undercurrent of "the men" as an unspoken topic. I want my friendships to pass the Bechdel test, but even when we do talk about men, I want to hear some wholesome interactions and not this toxic pickme crap. I'm getting fed up.
I've had my fair share of toxic friendships so I can definately emphaise. One thing I have learned is if you want to avoid one-sided friendships then you should match the other person's energy. It's fine to be the one to reach out once in a while but if you notice that it's always you reaching out to them, then it might be an idea to hold back and see do they reach out to you. If they don't, well that tells you how they feel about you.
Also it's not unreasonable to expect friends to treat you with respect. For example IMO the friend OP mentioned who only wanted to meet up with OP when her boyfriend was away, was being disrespectful and rude. Obviously it's OP's life but personally I think you're better off to walk away from people who disrespect you. I started doing this a few years ago and my life (and my mental health) have improved considerably as a result.
Having and maintaining boundaries is something good. The fact that you also asked for second opinion means you have it in you to introspect and consider things from another angle. After all, we cannot be 100% correct all the time. I think you're doing great!
I have ended female friendships too. Ex-friends expected me to do the heavy lifting, resuscitate dying conversations and nagged me about being single and childfree. Right now I only have one friend I have fun convos regularly with.
You said you want to keep a journal, that's great too. You can objectively evaluate friendhips the same way you weed out scrotes. List the pros and cons of keeping the friendship going. Bad friendship is so draining, sometimes just as much as "relationship with a scrote" level draining.
I really need to journal more because after writing this, I recalled that one of the women in friendship 2, being the crazy sort of confused Catholic, doesn't believe in abortion even for rape victims but I can see being a complete hypocrite about it. The other of the two, on having a conversation about men without hobbies, said the men are always the ones with the more interesting hobbies in her experience while barely ever bothering to discuss our hobbies. Clearly I also need to choose better but sometimes these female friendships just lovebomb you so much and I'm not used to expressing emotion so I get confused.
Same-ish boat. I have an older woman friend who I absolutely adore, and another aquaintance. My marriage and divorce killed all friendships I'd had prior, so I don't really talk to anybody from high school. My friend who lives near me (and my older friend) are with the WORST dudes imaginable, and one of them keeps telling dudes I'm single, even though I've been clear I don't want some dude nagging me for sex and being a violence threat in my life. I've been on the pickme end though, so maybe I can explain things. When you're IN a relationship, especially if it's bad, the first thing you're going to want to do is defend it, so people on the outside will be like "holy crap, he treats you like shit," and you'll find excuses. After things are solidified and you're used to being with a crap man, you'll see his single friends, and be like, "man, I miss MY friend, I bet she could date these guys." Because the only other alternative other than being lonely with a man is leaving everything you've been building behind.
I had a busy few years the last while. I thought 2023 would be my year chilling, but it turned out I had to spend most of it re-evaluating friendships I'd not had my eye on while I was distracted.
One thing I've noticed and keep saying is like attracts like. If you've got to ditch one friend, there's a good chance you'll have to ditch a load of mutuals too. But the reverse is true! Find one good person and they're likely to be surrounded by good people.