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I think it's because he dumped me via text after a very brief 3 months (honestly 7 weeks were in person, the second half was distant because of holiday and vacation travel). He didn't wear condoms despite me CRYING and endlessly communicating, that's a relationship ENDING flag right there. But I'm still going "but what if he was a great guy and I just missed it?". If he was a great guy he wouldn't have led me on with a whole relationship and many words of affirmation and encouragement, he would have let me down easy and with respect.
I've seen the red flags. I've seen the disrespect.
I think it's because this man absolutely maintained his front at all times, even though under the "simple and steady" exterior I did feel shiftiness occasionally. Especially when he said in casual conversation his pet peeve was "when people don't believe him/think someone unethical has occurred but won't listen to him". I should have pushed back how often does THAT happen?
He's probably just your average liar, only getting "girlfriends" to get away with unprotected sex. He's a 34 year old "travel bro" (not passport bro just avid traveler).
I'm sick of feeling like I wasn't good enough or didn't "inspire" better behaviour. I was terrific, loving, affectionate, loyal, sexy, sexually available and eager. Who gives that up? Why didn't he want me?
Sorry my self esteem took a big hit but honestly even before it ended I thought to myself "ugh what if this guy wants to marry me, then I'm just stuck with him? Him and his cholesterol, not eating me out or fingering despite claiming to be a "giver" and me blowing him every single day, sitting on the couch self?
His good qualities were the consistency, he was affectionate, cooked for me a LOT, held doors and planned and paid for dates. But that's the first month or two, who knows if that's what he really offers. I hate him honestly but my heart fully bought in, I really thought I loved him. Who knows he was probably love bombing, telling me how important I was to him, he can't wait to see me, he cares about me, I'm beautiful and then sudden Breakup? Okay buddy
Why does my brain think the red flags are no big deal
Honestly I could have dumped him after 20 days at the first sign of hesitation for condoms
I could have dumped him 6 days in, when I saw his most recent emojis were 🥵🤤💦 but figured it's not illegal for a single man to be flirting. Now I see he's probably sliding into weird Instagram model DMs as after we broke up I saw he followed and unfollowed bizarre trashy accounts
He's probably fried on dopamine and was annoyed I started to hold him accountable and confront him on his selfish sexual behavior with condoms.
I wish I could stop thinking about him but my brain is only remember the good stuff, or even when I remember bad stuff I feel like I caused it or I wasn't good enough.
I learned the spiritual lessons, tried to realize this helped me realize I don't even want kids like I thought, this helped me break my weird religious abstinence and reorient myself politically (realized men voting Republican/libertarian don't even wear condoms). It's just looping looping looping and I start therapy next week.
You're in a rumination spiral, this is what your 3rd post about this man in the last week?
Therapy won't help you at all if you don't actively work to THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE. Because therapy just brings it all up again.
Funny thing about no contact, is that you remembering your ex, causes the same reaction in your brain as if you broke no contact and checked up on him. The fantasy is damaging during limerence and even MORE damaging post separation. You've gotta jam to some Taylor swift, do some tarot, and then burn some journal entries to get it all out and then LET IT GO
AND TO EVERYONE BEING NICE AND ENABLING A WOMAN IN A NEGATIVE RUMINATION PATTERN, w friends like y'all who needs enemies?
Oh no. Honey, no!! You mustn't take his rejection as a sign that you're not good enough for anything or anybody else. That's bullshit and you know it. The truth is, he's a broken man and there will never be a woman out there in the world that can inspire better behavior from him. He chose to be a piece of shit, and that shouldn't reflect on you.
I understand the pain all too well. It hurts to look at a man that you loved so much and he essentially moves on without much of a struggle, or treats you as if he never loved you in the first place despite the good memories. It is going to take time to heal from this, and you'll always have a relapse here and there in the next several years from now. Some women take decades to get over an abusive man.
It definitely sounds like you should talk to someone, at least temporarily. Breaking up is a lot like death; there is a grieving process to go through. Right now, I'm seeing bargaining and anger phases in this post, which are very normal. But I don't want you to hurt yourself anymore than he already has. Don't let him win like that.
Hugs.