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One of the core messages of FDS I have always struggled to completely understand is the “embracing your femininity”-part. Part of my problem is obviously internalized misogyny that ultimately comes from my childhood.
I grew up with a tomboy-ish, “masculina”, “not like other girls” and very pick-me mother with a LOT of internalized misogyny (she had other issues, too, and I’m convinced her own childhood trauma is the root cause, but that’s a different discussion). Anything that could be remotely considered “feminine” or “girly” was basically equated with weakness, being superficial, being arrogant, being stupid etc.: from wearing “feminine” clothes, make-up or a “girly” hairstyle, over playing with dolls or watching “girly” TV shows, liking unicorns, the color pink or boybands to being a classic housewife and stay at home mom, having “feminine” hobbies or asking a man for help to do anything.
She worked in a male dominated industry doing manual labor, didn’t have any female friends (“too much drama”), had a masculine haircut, never wore makeup or had any other kind of “feminine” beauty/grooming habits, and wore clothes and shoes that literally came from the men’s section. Don’t get me wrong, I love her and she can wear and do whatever she wants but that combined with the message “anything stereotypically feminine is dumb and only superficial and stupid people want that” absolutely impacted how me and my sisters saw ourselves and grew up. Because it didn’t stop with her: We also got “boyish” haircuts because she didn’t want the hassle of taking care of long hair, wore boys’ or unisex clothes (usually second hand or hand-me-downs from older cousins) and I distinctly remember being mistaken for a boy on several occasions before I hit puberty. I also remember being jealous of the beautiful braids and hairstyles the other girls in my class had in elementary school, asking my mother if I could have a similar hairstyle and being shut down because “do you really want to look like one of those stupid Barbies?”. It obviously continued through puberty and – as expected – I sought out boys as friends instead of girls (“too much drama”), focused on hobbies like video games and openly declared anything pink or stereotypically girly “stupid”… because that’s what got me my mom’s appreciation.
I have slowly been moving away from that ever since I moved out to go to university more than a decade ago and honestly felt like slowly discovering and learning about my actual identity and own “femininity” in a long, slow process while untangling all that subconscious baggage: Moving away from “you need to act like a man to be taken seriously and can never ever need anyone for anything”, “wanting to be taken care of is stupid and weak” and “you always need to pull your own weight”, allowing myself to pursue stereotypically feminine hobbies or interests, even small steps like truly understanding and appreciating my cycle instead of treating it like a weakness and gross inconvenience.
I’m in my 30s now and have moved a long way to embrace myself and my femininity and am doing pretty well now but sometimes that baggage still pops up unexpectedly for really stupid, little things: like having to painstakingly and slowly learn how to properly take care of my hair (even small things like how to blow dry it the right way) or nails (I was 30 when I managed to do my nails in a halfway nice way for the very first time), googling for tips and feeling bad and superficial for even caring about things like that (let alone spending money or time on them) at one moment and then almost feeling angry because my mother never taught me these things or showed any appreciation for them. I recently talked to a friend who grew up with a single dad and without any female role models and her stories and the feelings she told me about were quite similar.
So well… that was a long rambling post, but maybe someone can relate. Did anyone else grow up with a mother like that or with a lack of “feminine” female role models and without any appreciation for “traditional” femininity? How has it shaped and impacted you growing up? I would love to hear your stories.
Wait, is embracing our alleged femininity part of FDS? I must have missed that lesson. I dont think it does us any good to define ourselves in terms of gender stereotypes one way or the other. Gender stereotypes were invented by the patriarchy to naturalize and justify women's subjugation, and I want nothing to do with that. I'm not feminine, I'm FEMALE.
I think you've always got to be super careful when talking about masculine stuff and internalized misogyny to not just end up uncritically adopting a bunch of patriarchal bullshit (e.g. wearing makeup, removing body hair etc.) under the guise of no longer having internalized misogyny. Nothing about being a female (the most literal definition of feminine) has to do with shelling out a bunch of money to Sephora to put carcinogenic trash on your face. Feminine things that are unfairly maligned include being empathetic, being sociable, caring about your environment, and female-coded jobs, and you can tell someone has internalized misogyny when they shit on these things.
Your mom doesn't sound like someone who has legitimate internalized misogyny - it sounds more like she was just attempting to resist the kind of toxic socialization that often keeps women under the boot heels of men by making them waste inordinate amounts of their own time and money on being sexually appealing. I don't know your mom, though, and it is tough sometimes to separate hating culturally feminine things because they're associated with women (i.e. misogyny) from hating them because they're associated with oppression (i.e. overcoming misogyny). I know tons of girls whose moms are the very reason they feel dirty or afraid of going out with body hair, and I would be mortified if I ended up being that kind of parent - I wonder if your mom was trying to avoid doing that.
That being said >t obviously continued through puberty and – as expected – I sought out boys as friends instead of girls (“too much drama”), focused on hobbies like video games and openly declared anything pink or stereotypically girly “stupid”… because that’s what got me my mom’s appreciation.
This is really sad and does strike me as actual internalized misogyny. I find mothers sometimes focus so much on the toxic aspects of female socialization (because they've experienced it first hand) and not enough on the dangers of male socialization. The prospect of my daughter getting into gaming (as I did as a kid - in my case it was because my parents were insanely overprotective so I was never really allowed out much to socialize) fills me with dread now.
I'm sorry you had to grew up in such circumstances.
I grew up with a mother like that, she was a narcissist and misogynistic and she thought being the "cool girl" meant she was special and other women are below her.
I undid the conditioning by teaching myself some concept
- people are allowed to like what they want, because they don't have complete control over thier preferences: some women don't like the color pink because they're women, but because they simply like the color. I personally don't really like the color.
- there's nothing wrong with liking attractive things, people like art and get impressed by pretty scenery, it's a lie that people don't care for appearances because they think it's shallow, it doesn't really matter what types of aesthetic you're attracted to, there's no "right" one or "wrong" one.
- there's no true gender identity, both genders can have inherent interest that are associated with the other gender, or simply speaking, "feminine" things don't define how much of a women you are, you're a women no matter what you like or how you act.
- even "feminine" women get the same misogynistic idea that thier interests are inferior to men, men are better friends, etc, it's just that misogyny is contradictory, it only has two extremes and if you're one of them then you're shamed for not being the other, some women tend to go to the extreme other side as a traumatic response to having been raised on one of them.
You did say you've already tried coming with terms with feminine interest so you're on your way to achieve your goal, trying to undo conditioning completely is hard especially if you grew up with such strong influence, sometimes you'll notice yourself slip but it's completely normal, just look how far you got!
Also your problem here is thinking feminine interest are shameful and stupid, but you don't necessarily have to like them to solve it, focus on what you love because that's what really matters.
I wish you good luck on your healing journey ❤️
oh gurrlll.
i grew up with almost the opposite.
my mom wanted to be a fashion buyer, was in a sorority, never lived by herself. she was never in sports, sewed my clothes by hand when i was a girl, got married young(ish)...both my parents went to Catholic school. she got a perm, wore makeup, was fashion-conscious. she definitely performed "femininity" and is a PickMe.
she also came from a family of 10 children, so she rejected her conditioning in her way. and guess what? she started weightlifting last year...she's in her 60s.
there are so many factors at play in how we express ourselves, and the beauty of becoming self-actualized, though we all have different limitations, is that we gain more awareness and make our own decisions, draw our own conclusions about what will be best for US.
i think most of us are here because we've noticed a general pattern of injustice regarding biological sex and society…that a lot of women don’t get to self—actualize because our roles have historically been pre-determined by institutions and our family systems.