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You do not know, what you do not know. <sigh> Lord, give me patience.
My partner has a cat, it's his first animal and he's owned it for 8 years. He moved in about 7 months ago.
I have very nice furniture and a very nice home. I decorated it to look like something out of a magazine on purpose. I built a career, a life, and the home I have always dreamed of.
The cat is not a bad cat, she does not scratch on purpose or use the sofa as a scratching post. However, kitty biscuits still result in pulls in the fabric of my large, unique sofa, my curtains, and my west elm bedding. She has randomly, sporadically "played" with my blazers hanging off a chair resulting in damage.
I have ivory berber carpet which gets puked on regularly, anywhere from hair balls to just a full tummy.
I have spent hundreds of dollars on obtaining matching bedding all around my home for the cat. I modified my closet for a kitty play area with multiple platforms and play areas.
I've had to force my partner to trim the cat's nails, just last month he started taking her to the vet for them to trim them. Before, he simply attempted to replace all bedding that was damaged. He purchased the wrong size so the expensive bedding is unusable and I was too pissed to even talk to him after. Only after this debacle did he relent and schedule vet visits for trimming.
He refuses to comb the cat regularly or bathe her at all; thus, the hair is everywhere all the time. I literally lint roll my whole carpet for hairs too fine for the vacuum. I have to lint roll my clothes, bedding, couch daily.
His apartment had darker carpet and darker furniture so the hair never seemed like so much. When we were dating, I never saw cat hair on his clothes!
The litter box was never dirty when I visited his home....come to find out he uses flushable litter so he just scooped it frequently and his bathroom had enough air movement that it didn't smell. His apartment here in the PNW did not have central air which is the lifestyle up here. Windows and air movement all the time is just the norm.
The litter box in my air conditioned home is irritating. I purchased a new litter box to match my bath decor. He thoughtlessly, heavy handedly scoops breaking up the urine clumps, which is the root of the smell. He did not even know to wash the litter box with vinegar or basic soap before adding new litter.
You do not know what you do not know, and he has been receptive to updating his cleaning habits. He always changes once I have a training session with him.
I simply resent having to have cleaning training sessions, especially surrounding an animal that is not mine. I resent having my life be puked on. My home is no longer my home, it's a waiting game to see what else is going to get ruined....I walk around feeing like I am the heartless bitch that is experiencing ever lessening patience for an innocent animal and her owner.
Am I crazy? Do I need therapy?
EDIT: Thank You all! Since the cat is innocent and my partner is inexperienced in dating a pet-free person, I was too busy making excuses and didn't realize this was a boundary issue. An animal, even a small 8 lb cat, is a boundary that is ok to have and ok to make a deal breaker.
Not crazy. The responsability is his and not yours. The cat is innocent but your boyfriend is not. He's not taking proper care of her and know he's added more chores on your plate while he goes on his merry way. This happens a lot, not only with pets but house chores in general. Men move in with their gfs cause it's better than living alone, whilst the gfs only suffer for the increase of their mental load. The cat's not at fault, she's not the problem. The problem is the lazy bf who ignores his pet. As a cat owner myself, I wonder if he even loves this animal since he's such a incompetent owner(? If you love someone, you don't neglect her.
Also, not to blame you, but moving in with someone is one thing and moving in with someone who has pets is another. You'll have to tolerate not only your partner but also his pet. You're entitled to be irritated, annoyed and guilty for hating living with them but now that you know what's like to have a bf and a cat live with you, you should really think about the relationship and where it's going. Having a pet can change your life at home, so please meditate if you're willing to put up with this. I know I'll never live with a man that has a dog cause that lifestyle doesn't fit mine at all and I find dogs to be clingy and irritating, so you're allowed to not want to live with a cat (and her incompetent owner).
you're normal.
this anecdote illustrates beautifully why i refuse to move in with a boyfriend.
I’d be pretty upset if some pet messed up all my expensive furniture. Also, if your bf didn’t replace exactly what the cat destroyed… and if it was antique or one of a kind, I’m sorry but they both have to go! Hope it doesn’t get to that point. I too take pride in decorating, and would not take kindly to this tomfoolery.
A HVM does not need training.
He is an extreme example of wearing a mask for a while and dropping it later on.
He can't even take care of a cat and cats are pretty easy - how would he ever take care of YOU? Imagine if you got sick or pregnant from him
This is a grown man, not a child.
You know what to do
Pet boundaries are SO important. My boyfriend has a pet I don’t care for, I wouldn’t force him to get rid of the pet, but I’ve made it very clear that the two of us are living separately until the pet does not live with him. (This is okay because I prefer my own living space anyway! And the pet's lifespan is not too much longer.)
As to what you can do now… make it clear that he has to do EVERYTHING in his power to stop the cat destruction. Clip nails, maybe purchase furniture covers, supplements and diet to prevent fur balls, brush the cat often.
If your partner does not take extensive action, or he does but it’s still intolerable, tell him the cat can no longer live in your home. Either the cat can go, or he and the cat can both go.
Also a big warning in case you're not familiar, cats can become much dirtier and more incontinent with age. It's very sad when you love the cat, and also gross. Do you want to live with your partner and his cat enough to deal with future cat piss and poop due to elderly cat accidents?
Assert your boundaries and do not squash your daily suffering for the sake of a cat!!!
No, you are not crazy, nor do you need therapy.
You boyfriend is just plain inconsiderate. I do not advocate giving up a pet or telling your partner to give up their pet, so the way I see it, you have two options:
Ask your boyfriend to move out (and take his cat with him).
Make sure your boyfriend is financially and physically responsible for his pet to the point that you are made whole. This means all bedding and furniture that need to be replaced, all new pet supplies you deem fitting for your apartment, all laundry services stemming from cat ownership, etc. need to be paid for by him in full. And any cat hairs and cat biscuits need to be vaccumed by him to your liking. If he drags his feet on this, I would ask him to move out and possibly break up with him.
I'm going to go out on a limb and guess he's not paying 100% of the rent/mortgage, either. The fact that he is not paying for the apartment makes him financially irresponsible. "If I don't have to pay for something, why care if it's destroyed?" is probably his line of thinking.
You're not crazy, you need to get rid of him and his cat.
No fucking way I'd tolerate some animal that wasn't even mine rip my gorgeous home to shreds. Like you, my apartment is styled after a magazine. I can imagine how upset you are. No man is worth it. Live by yourself in your lovely home and move them right back out. Enough. Your dignity and comfort come first.
Also he did not even properly replace the damaged bedding. Beware this can be a "subtle neg". It is not hard to double check the size by walking in the room or send you a quick text. And he did not.
This is NOT a pet Boundary issue. That's some pickme stuff. It's not that you are not a cat person. It's not that he is "trying" he does not and has not properly taken care of his pet
Notice he has not replaced other damaged items
I think the bedding replacement was a subtle neg so he hopes you won't fuss or ask him to replace things in the future, especially being that you have pricey items. Lvm are cheap.
Seems like he is willing to put a mask on and tries to keep a mask on
Run
I feel you… my partner has two cats whom I really truly adore (they're purring next to me right now), but the amount of hair, the way cat litter just gets everywhere, the frequent vomiting of hairballs, the bits and pieces of cat food on the floor, the smell of dirty litter… It's just a little much sometimes. My bf does clean but he just has gotten used to a certain amount of “pet mess” because it's really hard to get rid of it all every day. We don't live together and I don't want to until he either adopts a more rigorous cleaning regimen or the cats pass away. Recently he rescued a little hurt kitten off the street and he's been stationed in the bathroom for now. I am in love with the little guy, he is so innocent and obviously needs help so I volunteered to take care of him for two days while my bf is at work (I'm currently in between jobs). But of course he also needs to be fed, have his little litter box cleaned (which he thankfully uses), etc. I was very exhausted today from not having any spot in the apartment left to retreat to where there was no hair or litter or smell or… My patience was gone when I noticed the little guy knocked over his water cup and the bathroom trash. When my bf got home I expressed my frustrations and he got to cleaning immediately. But I know I couldn't live like this, knowing that the apartment will turn messy whenever I'm away for a few hours. I realized I can love cats but still find keeping them in the house to be too taxing. You're not crazy, it's not your fault. I too can't deal with my order and cleanliness being disrupted by something or someone out of my control. I'm fine with living apart together for the foreseeable future because of this. My home needs to give me peace, not stress me out.
It's not even your pet don't bother wasting tons of your own money on that cat. That's your partner's responsibility.
I had a cat for only a year and my god they are so messy, smelly and mean. I had to rehome her to a trusted coworker with a larger home since she got so irritated living in my new tiny Seattle apartment that she would scratch up everything and poop wherever she wanted. It drove me nuts so I get how having a cat around gets unbearable.
If your partner refuses to step up and take all and better responsibility for his cat then he needs to move out.
" it's a waiting game to see what else is going to get ruined" As someone that owns a cat and does foster work, yeah that is the reality of cat ownership. I love my cat but it's not for everyone. If the cat isn't trained from kitten-hood to scratch cardboard and cat trees then they will scratch everything else. My cat also will puke from playing too hard -eye roll- and the fur, while not as noticeable as dog hair, is everywhere. I've had to get certain furniture because cats will claw up fabrics easily. Most owners do not clean the box everyday :/ and the liter will get everywhere unless you vaccuum every day. Seriously, not your fault if you don't want to live with an animal. I also don't want to deal with other people's animals but my own for this reason. Pet owners are low IQ sometimes.
This sounds ghastly. Thank god I’m allergic to cats. I don’t go near men with cats, full stop.
But I love dogs and I once moved in with a man whose 2 huge dogs lived indoors. It turned out the house was infested with fleas. It took MONTHS to get rid of these fleas. At one point I counted 36 bites all over my body. I told the scrote the dogs needed to live outdoors and soon enough they were. Why did it take an ultimatum from a woman for this scrote to exercise basic cleanliness?! Mind boggling.
I have no advice, but can say that your concerns are completely normal and completely valid. Good luck with that boundary keeping.
This is one of the reasons I would not live with a man I wasn't married to (and I especially wouldn't let him and his pets move into my place). I don't want to make too many assumptions, but yiu mentioned that you never noticed cat hair on his clothes, and that the litter box was always clean and smell-free whenever you visited him before he moved in. It seems like he's CAPABLE of keeping his environment/clothes clean when he's trying to impress you, but now that he's living with you, he doesn't see the need to keep up appearances anymore. Which is just a sign of disrespect to me. Sure, he might be okay with a certain amount of pet mess in his life, but he was definitely aware of the need to step up his cleaning game for a little while, and now he seems to have slacked off.
I think now that he's living with you he's getting kinda lazy with taking care of the cat.
Some of that stuff is just normal cat stuff. Mine don't really scratch furniture because they have a lot of scratching posts, so that's something that helps. But all cats throw up and have hairballs.
I don't think you're crazy about being upset. Sounds like you have nice things, it's understandable to be upset.
All you can do is kick him out. He's not gonna give up the cat and even if he does, I see it as a red flag to give up pets Willy-nilly.
Before this have you had cats? Or even other pets ? Because some of this stuff isn't surprising to pet owners.
I am a diehard cat lover and even I would say a big fat 'fuck no' to this!
Do not live with a man until married! That cat needs to be in his own home, pulling out bedding and whatever cats do
Dump him and adopt the cat.
Edit: Who the hell would downvote this?
I'd NEVER let a man move in with me. He needs to buy the place where we're gonna live and then marry me before he gets wife services. And don't sell your place after marriage. Rent it out on case the marriage doesn't work.