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Finally, my first actual post. Inspired by a comment I made on another thread, as well as other posts I've been seeing recently about feeling touch starved and generally crappy (I see you and I feel you, believe me I do).
For those who haven't seen it, the gist is this: I'm totally, utterly and absolutely SICK of being single. I don't want to be single any more and feel like I've reached the absolute limits of my enjoyment of single life. I've done it all for quite some time now - solo travel, dining alone, solo hikes, road trips, blah fucking blah...and I am absolutely burned out on solo living. Yet I feel like all the single space has to offer here is 'oh but you just haven't reframed enough!'
No. Trust me, I have reframed the absolute shit out of everything these last few years, my willingness and ability to reframe is most definitely not the issue. The issue here is that I want to be partnered and I'm not. And the reason I want a partner is not because I'm trying to fill a void, or because I haven't done enough self-work, or because I don't love myself, or because I'm needy, or chasing fairytales, or some other such bullshit. It's because I want a partner, and because wanting a partner is a normal, natural and healthy human drive. For those who don't have that drive and whose genuine, authentic prefererence is to be single, great! My preference isn't and no amount of reframing will ever make it so.
I'm getting so fed up of only really seeing this take on things in the single space. Being single isn't great and fun and full of infinite, unlimited freedom and excitement when you don't want it any more, it's just depressing and exhausting as fuck. Equally, wanting to be partnered is not pathological or a sign of living in delusion or lack or needing someone to 'fill the void'. Although let's be clear - there IS actually a void, in the sense of wanting a partner and not having one. And the only way that particular, specific void will ever be filled is by finding a partner, not by throwing a load of ill-fitting substitutes at it.
There's a LOT more to this than just not having someone to build fucking Ikea furniture with, too. I feel like the single space also focusses on all these really trivial, superficial inconveniences of being single (which have never actually troubled me, if I'm honest) whilst overlooking the deeper issues and completely failing to acknowledge the real price of all that freedom: the responsibility of doing life completely alone and the weight of having everything on your own shoulders literally one hundred per cent of the time.
Does anyone else feel the same way?
I see where you're coming from. This whole discussion of the singlehood of women can be tiring sometimes, especially cause I believe it's completely natural to want a partner. The desire for human connection is undeniable. We're social beings.
Women have to choose singlehood over dating awful men bc awful men are abundant, so we try to make our single lives as peaceful and happy as possible. Once you put everything into perspective and see the bigger picture, being single is truly amazing. Especially when you notice how miserable are women in relationships. I'm always surprised at how lonely these women are, how they feel they don't have anyone to rely on even when they have a boyfriend or husband.
I suppose it's normal to get tired of being single as well as it's normal to get tired of being in a relationship. The real difference I see is that being single never puts you at risk but a bad relationship does. The risk we women take when dating men is real. This is the first time in history that women can afford and are allowed to question things and choose to be single. Our grandmothers didn't have that choice. However, you in particular have to choose what you actually want to do. Do you hate single life enough to take the risk and date? Do you believe you'll be happier in a relationship than on your own? Are you ready to vet hard and be dissapointed by men who don't meet your standards? Are you okay with any possible outcome, including remaining single?
Many ladies here yearn for a partner. It’s not contrarian to acknowledge and affirm that desire within yourself. But yearning for a HVM does not cause him to materialize. Most of us have experienced how settling for a LVM literally destroys your life, so it is not a valid option. So the best option for ladies who desire a partner is to make the most of singlehood, while actively dating and seeking a partner - without chasing anyone. I don’t find it contradictory to cultivate a joyful single life, while continuing to search for a partner. Otherwise you're just committing to a life of misery, either with a LVM or by yourself.
This is me
Single life is awesome and amazing and everything people say it is ONLY BECAUSE I'm not with an LVM living a life of hell. Yes it is damn better than that.
But I still yearn for an HVM partner. I have worked plenty on myself. I have tonnes of dreams that I can choose from to work on. I have many choices if I want to form new hobbies. Everything is great.
But none of that fits the space that only an HVM can.
Saying that single life is awesome is like counting my blessings while I face the challenges all alone.
Yes!! Loved your first post.
Yes, I do relate. I must admit, I have a higher tolerance for single life than most, but it's not because I love going "solo". Infact, quite the opposite. I am deeply satisfied with true friends and true community. I tend to need that when I'm coupled too, and I am more worried about staying "lonely" in the sense of not having a tight knit group of people rather than being unpartnered. I also have my neurodivergent/ptsd issues that make me appreciate and need much more alone time, and last but not least, relationships with men have burnt me out to an extent that I still feel the need to expell those toxins and catch up with my self care, and I can't imagine settling and taking any more burdens. Not to mention, I have to rebuild my career from ground zero, so I don't want any distraction till I'm settled.
Having said that, even I miss the intimacy of a romantic relationship. No offense to anyone, but when I hear that toys are just as good for sex than actual intimacy, I just feel like it's a giant cope. Yes, it's true if you only had negative experiences in the sex department probably. Yes, sex with men is often just not worth the risk. But it's just plain odd to really believe that sex toys and massages literally replace intimacy.
I have done my share of "solo" stuff and I think I'm good now. I used to hang out solo all the time, now I go out of my way to find togetherness. "Solo" life is not meant to be forever, in the sense that apart from romantic connections, you need platonic ones. Travelling, dinner, theatre, projects... Why going "solo"? It's not the only alternative to being in a couple. You can invest in other kinds of relationships, which tend to last longer than romance. I admit it's hard as an adult, and I get depressed about that sometimes. But listen, more and more women in our generation will be in the same boat than the previous generation. I believe social life and habits will start to reflect this in a few years. I don't think that this individualistic approach to singledom will survive much longer.
Apart from that, there is no substitute or quick fix for what you want, so reconsider dating intentionally. But it's totally legit and normal that you want it, and it's normal to be bored of "solo life". I find more strange the other way round actually. We're just all in a very unfortunate situation - men aren't keeping up and we're statistically better off without them. We all exchange recipes to make lemonade out of lemons. That doesn't mean we have to pretend lemons aren't bitter.
not sure if this is just a rant or if you're seeking advice... so i'll just tell you my experience and what i think about this subject.
a few years ago, i too was touch starved, lonely and reeeeeeally sick and tired of being single. i've never ever had a boyfriend. all of my experiences were bad and honestly, i think i'm traumatized - enough to feel really weird about having a relationship with a man now.
back then i didn't think i needed a partner. i just wanted one. as you said, it's totally normal to want that. it's human. but the dating pool is horrible for us and i got really tired of it. that realization was soul crushing... but very eye-opening. i could finally understand that i wasn't the problem.
so i started to think about the very real possibility that i might live and die alone. it's very scary, but it is a possible reality for everyone. i read about the subject and learned that i had no choice but to be okay with that. even if i find someone and we live happily, it will end at some point (maybe when one of us die, but most probably when one of us no longer loves the other) and i might ed up alone anyway. with that in mind, i focused my energy into accepting that reality. it's difficult and sounds really sad, but it's actually quite liberating. i know my traumas have made this easier for me. i don't know the good stuff i'm missing out, but i do know the bad stuff i'm avoiding.
you're saying you're sick of being single. well, that's a liability because you might vet lightly due to your loneliness, which leads to you getting involved with LVM, etc. so what's the solution? well my sister, the solution is to follow FDS recommentations and keep the vetting ruthless. being in a relationship is only better than being single if your man is HV and you feel comfortable with being single potentially forever. and if that's not enough for you to stop craving a relationship, think about all of the challenges and common problems of 1) finding a partner and 2) being in a relationship.
i don't think this is a matter of reframing and gaslighting ourselves into being fake happy as solo women. it's about understanding that the reality of dating is grim, unfortunately. sometimes i crave love too. probably not real love, though... i crave what i imagine love feels like based on my own desires. but everytime i think about this objectively and probabilistically, my conclusion is always the same: i'm better off alone. and that's very valuable because it keeps LVM away from me.
you are entitled to feel how you feel right now. just remember why we're all here: to maximize our benefit and protect ourselves.
I have been thinking about this a lot too. And the idea of being single forever not scaring me or being a threat.
I've come to the realization that woman's desire for romantic relationships could very well be societal conditioning. Men directly or indirectly are the number one cause of death for woman. Violence, pregnancy, diseases caused due to stress, etc.
It doesn't make sense that woman desire relationships with men when they on average are very dangerous to our lives.
I believe that people / woman require community. We weren't meant to live alone. When I visit my relatives and extended family in Asia, I never have a burning desire to be with the man. Being in a community of women/people/family is extremely important for mental health. When I lived in my previous city, I was able to move my best friends into my apartment building and we had a blast. I would say that my desire for a relationship was less at that time.
Society in the US has separated people, any that's what causes an overreliance on romantic relationships with men. This is by design, It's a wheelchair ramp for men who otherwise would die virgins. Men are seen as the only pathway to having community and stability. I believe this needs to change.
I did feel this way. On my bad days, this feeling of emptiness still creeps in. Especially in the evenings, when I'm ironically winding down from my day. I can tell you that therapy, meditation and other forms of self-work DO ACTUALLY HELP the way that everyone says they do.
It does take a long time to see progress. I was in therapy for three solid years. Never missed an appointment. My therapist was amazing. But I did pass through a time when I felt like I was 'stuck' or something. Like therapy was becoming useless and pointless. Until... almost all of a sudden... my emotional awareness, my sense of self, my (single) dreams and hopes... all of that... just clicked! It was revelationary and revolutionary. It was amazing! I cannot describe the lightness, peace and calm that suddenly started enveloping me out of seemingly nowhere.
Except it wasn't out of nowhere... it all came from the tedious and seemingly 'pointless' self-work that I was doing for three years.
Self-work is not only invisible and near impossible to track, but it's also criminally under-valued in our hyper-capitalistic society. That's why it's easy to give up too soon when you cannot discern any 'progress'. But the work IS HELPING. Keep with it. Even when it seems pointless and when you feel stuck. Believe that your hard work will pay off.
In older age, more than 2/3 of people’s whose spouses die first are women. That means if you do find a partner now and have a wonderful relationship with him, at some point you will most likely be alone again after his death. if you have the attitude that you are sad being single, it’s only going to be even sadder when you are 80 and single again.
We all must learn to build community and be happy unpartnered. Volunteering, hobbies, close friendships build a good life. These are things that you need to continue to do even if you become partnered. A full, well-rounded life is key.
Also, whenever I feel sad about being single and childfree, just 5 minutes reading the posts on the breaking mom Reddit cures me real quick.
The message that singledom is empowering and joyful emerged in response to the cruel message that has been shoved down our throats that it is tragic and pitiable (mostly down women's throats: see 'spinster' vs 'bachelor'). Neither message is true. Being single is a situation - whether you're happy or not isn't really contingent on your single status. The same goes for being partnered - as others have noted here, being lonely and unhappy when you've got a partner is truly horrible, and very common. So what I'm saying is: being with a partner can be as bad as being single; and being single can be as good as being in a good and happy relationship. It isn't the single status or partnered status that brings about the fulfilment and contentedness. At the risk of sounding glib, the grass isn't always greener on the other side.
Take, for example, going travelling. With a partner it can be great because you have someone to help you plan, and someone you can share your experiences with. When you travel alone you need to do everything on your own and this can be tiring, especially when most experiences are set up for couples. But when travelling with a partner, there'll probably be arguments, stress and disappointment. I genuinely can't remember a fun trip with a partner. One missed his flight; another couldn't get his head around the fact he had to help me with my suitcase; nearly all have relied on me to plan everything. When travelling on my own, I'm free and I've found I meet a lot more people (often interesting solo women!) than when I travel with a partner.
Having said all of that, I hear you. I used to go through phases where I was happy single and then unhappy. I'm mostly happy now because of what others have said here - I've come to terms with this reality, and made my peace with it by understanding that single life is better than unhappy partnered life. I will say though, intentional dating made things seem worse: the sheer volume of LVM... I found that it was better for my emotional wellbeing to not expose myself to this. If this means I don't meet anyone (like you, there is NOTHING happening in the wild), then so be it.
There are so many helpful comments here, and like others, I don't have much to add other than you're definitely not alone (just look at all the commenters), and that it's definitely better to feel lonely when you're single rather than feeling lonely with someone else. Also, the fact that you haven't been attracting men (or however you want to put it) may very well be a good thing and just reflect how HV you are to be repelling the masses of LVM energetically. So many single women are constantly agonizing and suffering heartache over being ghosted, hot and cold behavior, and simply not being prioritized by the men they are interested in. I've definitely found myself there before, and whenever I find myself lonely and yearning for a (nonexistent) man's company, I remember the times when I HAD a man but still felt the same way. I also try to remind myself that I should be grateful for my time being single because it might be the last time in my life I can ever live this way. If the next guy I meet ends up becoming my partner for the rest of my life, there is no going back to the life I have now.
Sending you some virtual hugs. I don't think wanting to be partnered is a deficit or a flaw we need to fix. We are social animals who desire companionship and pair bonds. The majority of women want kids some day (and yes you can do that without a partner but that's not the point here). We can see how single life is awesome in its own right AND still want a partnership somewhere down the line. It's not mutually exclusive, otherwise this space wouldn't exist. The only thing I can say is that sometimes we just don't get what we want. We can hold space for the fact that it sucks, and still try to get on with it. I have plenty of dreams that are unlikely to become reality. It's sad, and sometimes we need to stand at the graves of our dreams and grieve a little.
That said, maybe you think the only remedy to "doing life alone" is to have a partner, and I believe it doesn't have to be that way. We are so reliant on relationships because we are used to the nuclear family model, which isn't all that great for women to begin with. We all need community. We could share a house with friends and help each other out, or at least build strong neighborhood bonds. We can build relationships with kids that are not our own. Listen to what you feel it is that lies on the other side of being partnered. Is there any way you can achieve it without a man?
While I'm still in the stages of my own level-up journey and still enjoying being single (most of the time anyway), I completely hear you on this and I feel it as well sometimes. I'm so glad you pointed it out this way as well, because it does gets really tiring/annoying to just keep hearing the same things you mentioned above repeated over and over like that will make the desire to find a HV partner go away. When people say things like "there's someone out there for you, you'll find someone", and my first thought is like "yeah thanks, but what if I don't?". I will still enjoy my life sure, but like you said the single life eventually gets kind of boring and lonely at some point. Trying to mask that loneliness with solo trips and spa days doesn't solve the way you feel deep down.
I saw a news article yesterday about a 70-something year old woman who was being celebrated for "marrying herself" after remaining single for decades because she never found another man after a divorce. She literally threw a full-blown wedding for herself! And while I really appreciated her positivity and message that women can totally do it all alone without a man, I still felt kind of bad for her that she never found anyone else after all that time. It's wonderful that she was able to find happiness in her life, but there must have been times where she felt alone/sad/a desire to find someone still.
I commiserate with you, OP. Some people seem to feel more easily fulfilled with the connections they find through friendships and community; I believe those are instinctual drives as well as the drive to find a romantic partner. And while I greatly value those connections and find them irreplaceable, they also don’t replace my drive to find a partner in life, and it sounds like you’re similar. I agree that a lot of media surrounding female singledom focuses on how wonderful it is, and it can feel a little like “the emperor has no clothes,” especially when you’ve been single a long time and desire a partner. And while it’s often true that singlehood has its joys and up sides, it can also be lonely, frustrating, and downright infuriating at times. I don’t think it’s anti-FDS to admit that to ourselves. In fact, having those feelings but not being aware of them or finding a way to deal with them is what can make you vulnerable to dating a LVM, in my opinion. I don’t have any easy answers; I’m just sending you a hug and letting you know you’re not alone in these feelings. Re: touch starvation, maybe try getting a massage? I know it doesn’t replace cuddles, etc., but it can help.
I am definitely thoroughly DONE with being single, but I am also throughly DONE with being used and abused by NVM/LVM. I am in my late 40s, and solo traveling isn't an option for me now. It is true as you get older, your energy just goes down. I would feel much safer with a traveling partner,. preferably a HVM I am into. Traveling alone in this crazy world isn't something I want to do. And I don't have a group of female friends to travel with :::sigh::: plus I have a normal to high libido, and I'm about to celebrate my 2 year anniversary of celebacy. Blah blah blah.
I don't have anything useful to add, but to say that I could have written this word for word and I feel everything you say in my bones.
I try to remain positive and hopeful, but the reality is, I'm proceeding that this is just how things are for me.
I'm going to start some volunteer work shortly and I hope that will start filling some of the void.
I have felt sad about being single in the past, but I no longer feel that way. I'm trying to think what has changed that. (Just for context, I have been single and not dating at all for over a year, and I have been pretty busy with my own goals/leveling up. I can imagine if you feel more accomplished and healed already and have been single for longer, that you'd feel differently.)
- I've been making new female friends. That was a bit of a dating experience itself.
- I've been growing in intimacy with female friends I already had. I share more, and I feel better known and supported.
- I've joined hobbies that involve community.
- I try to enjoy interactions I have with men.. This sounds funny, so let me explain. If a man smiles at me, greets me, holds the door for me, lets me pass the street etc., I graciously thank him with a smile. If I'm eating at a restaurant with my family and there aren't enough plates on the table, and my dad gives me his, I try to appreciate it and take it in. If my driving instructor is being a good and thoughtful "leader", I take in from that experience what I want in a partner. In other words, I get my supply of healthy masculine energy from everywhere around me. I want to have the same approach with dating, enjoy what's good, leave once it gets too bad.
- I see my single time now as preparation for getting my life together for myself and becoming the happiest, healthiest mom and wife I can be.
- Probably the most important one: I'm fully and delusionally convinced that my HVM is out there, and that it's just a matter of time before I meet him. I have lived through enough shit to know that even if that man will drop out of my life, I will be okay. But I still desire to know him and to walk with him through life for a good while!
Ok, obligatory Julia Sugarbaker:No man is better than a bad man. (Pun, get it?)
Seriously though, It’s good for you to give voice to your wants and desires. Your search is intensifying. Tell yourself repeatedly as a mantra, “I deserve love”.
ALL I CAN SAY IS….WOW 🙏💯