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I have a friend, we were basically best friends in highschool and recently re-connected and have hung out a few times.
this friend has been though some tough things since high school, she used to have a pretty bad drug problem and lost custody of her two children, both under ten. For context we are both female and age 26.
I recently learned a few more things about her since we re connected and I’m just not sure if I’m judging her too much or what?
1: she lives with this guy (rent free) he’s apparently not her bf but he lets her use his vehicle for work and does many things for her, I feel as though she doesn’t treat him right, saying he’s not her bf and not being loyal to him as she sleeps with other guys but he is under the impression that they are exclusive.
2: She told me she does OF. I’m not going to lie I really hate the idea of women doing OF, I feel as though it’s degrading and the average women isn’t making enough on there to risk her safety and mental health. She showed me how she gets guys to subscribe to her content, she has messaged (on Facebook!) almost every guy we went to highschool with and asked them to sub, She constantly gets ignored and blocked by these guys who are mostly low value anyways, at least that’s how I remember them being.
I‘m embarrassed for her, she always pays when she goes out with a guy and she is constantly getting played. She told me she was seeing a guy who kept promising to visit her and the weekend they were supposed to hang out he said his car was in the shop and apparently it’s still there three months later 🙄. The worst part about this situation is they planned to stay in a hotel together for the weekend and of course she was going to pay. I told her it was unsafe to spend the weekend with some stranger in a hotel but she thought I was overreacting.
I’ve tried to get her to do other activities with me besides clubbing, she seems to only want to go clubbing every weekend. I’ve suggested we play tennis, go shopping, lunch together but I feel her priorities in life are not in order.
I guess I’m hoping she somehow decides to change her life and I’m now realizing I don‘t think her and I can remain friends as we are two completely different people. she is what most people would call “trashy” and I hate to say that because that’s not the person I remember from highschool, she has just changed so much and I don’t know what I should do, I’m asking for advice on here because I respect all of your opinions.
Every time I read this question from a woman, I can almost guarantee the answer is "no". We've been collectively gaslighted into being UndErStanDinG and AcCepTinG so we second-guess our judgment all the time, when it's probably very accurate. So no, you're not too judgmental. I admit I only skimmed the post but the keywords I spotted are enough to tell me your instinct is right.
Eeeek. I hate to say this, but we are judged by the company we keep. While I understand cherishing the childhood memories you two have, I wouldn’t let her become a close friend of yours. I think she will bring you down and let you down. If you’re up for it, you can try to show her a better way but if she’s not receptive, it may be best to move on.
Dick > children = a good woman according to scrotes. I'd pass. She will attract dustmites and repel hvm. I agree with other commenters you are the company you keep.
When someone asks “am I being too judgmental?”
without even hearing/reading the story I always say NO YOU ARE NOT!
I actually read this and I still say you aren’t being judgmental. She isn’t a hvw and we should be surrounding ourselves with high value women. She’s acting like a clown when it comes to these men she surrounds herself with as well and you don’t need someone like that .
I know it’s hard when we have friends from childhood because we want to look the other way about certain behaviours. Im going through something similar in my life. I have a group of friends from childhood/teen years. In the past few years I feel like I’ve outgrown them and they’re huge pick mes. It’s hard to be around them. A big realization for me, was when they met my bf they acted “cool” and embarrassed themselves, of course they don’t realize. I was actually embarrassed because I thought he may judge me for these friends and I’m not like them. My point is, we’re judged by the company we keep. When you’re with her people will think you’re trashy too.
Be judgemental. You should be. I would not want to associate with the type of person you described.
The only thing you can do for her is tell her she needs therapy and pray for her healing. But you are living in two complete different worlds, and if you are still on your level up journey, I recommend you to find people who uplift you or are on a similar journey, not the opposite.
I always say that people are about as successful as they are in life as their worst friend. If you keep her in your life, your life quality will drop and it will be nothing but drama, tears, and anguish.
If you asked me to blunt about her, I'd say this: She's a LVW and it's possible she may be too far gone to be saved. You can try, but I'd also keep your emotional distance incase she lashes out at you for trying to help her.
Idk, trashy is ok with me, fun and wild are ok with me, but draw the line at things that might put you in danger. Even if she herself doesn't do anything to harm you, one of those guys might, or one of the guys' friends, or you might find yourself in a dangerous situation that you had nothing to do with. Also, where the hell are her kids? Don't give her money.
Send her some FDS podcasts. She could be savable.
It's not just about how you are perceived- you WILL become like those you surround yourself with. High value seeks high value.
As someone who was once married to a tweaker, I believe our society is way too naive about drug addicts. They are NOT "only harming themselves", as we are told. And children are all too often those harmed the most by them. What did she do to lose custody of her poor, traumatized kids?
I would not so much as let this woman get into my car. I don't care what your history is- you can easily become an accomplice to whatever crimes she may be up to. Drugs are like oxygen to these people- they cannot think rationally when they need their fix and will do ANYTHING to obtain it. They will not care who they are with. They will take you down with them.
Thank God I'm free of the addict who once terrorized our lives. I suggest you free yourself as well.
Can you go low contact? Like Facebook friends, but not regular get-togethers.
She’s definitely in a different life stage to you and is lost right now. You can try to build her up, but don’t let her drag you down.
I agree with @edenlane who said to send her some FDS pods to listen to.