Advice on Therapy?

Don't go to a man. Don't go to anyone who shames you for not "seeing the positive" in trauma caused by men. You can't medicate away a miserable world corrupted by men. Don't go to anyone who tells you you're "too angry."

Don't give out your insurance and social security number to therapists you haven't even met yet. More than half of the therapists I've been to have sent me fraudulent bills for services that they never performed, or a bill years later for something I fully paid. You need to screen them before you waste your time going in for an appointment. I've found they are generally like bad restaurants: If they offer a hodgepodge, they will probably suck. They need to offer a specific, distinct set of services and specialize in your issues. CBT is awful for trauma.

Basically, protect yourself against the therapist. You can report therapists to the state board. Overall, I've found therapists to be predatory and unhelpful.

It doesn't "just take a while to find a good one." It can take YEARS of wasted time and money, spewing your trauma to total stranger after stranger. Ask yourself if something is wrong with you such that you need psychological help, or if something is wrong with the men and pickmes who have harmed you. It also takes a lot of effort to "just find" a support group. If you do find one, be weary of predators who use those to find victims, too.

A therapist isn't the boss. You're the one in charge. Some will refer you to their friends. Is that ok when it comes to the massive kickbacks doctors get for prescribing meds? No, in fact it's how cartels operate.

I've had one good therapist give me one good piece of advice in my entire life. Was it worth all of the above? No, not really.

In YEARS, no therapist I've spoken with has done much other than sit there and go "mmm hmm." There's been no structured activities, no action plan, no goal setting, no clear program of treatment, ever.

Most recently, the woman sat there and went "mmm hmmm" twice a week for a few months, then I asked her about starting the structured activities we'd discussed, and as though by magic, she no-called no-showed our next appointment, and then sent me a bill for the appointment she blew off. Cost me $500 altogether. NEXT.

People think therapy is the catch-all answer to most personal problems. In fact the answer is prosecuting and socializing men to not traumatize others.

If you want to do it, good, keep trying, but maybe this can help you manage expectations.

There also ARE alternatives to traditional talk therapy.

It's like anything else. In all forms of medicine, you are the product and and you are how the practitioner makes money. Finding someone good is like finding a needle in a haystack. Most are LVT (low value therapists).

I recommend EMDR (its science based trauma therapy!). I did it and it helped my nervous system get de-trigggered. Change your therapist if its not a match, my first EMDR was super gentle, but late and forgot where we were in the process and i had to remind her.

I have CPTSD and possible ADHD (could be signs of my CPTSD). But it has helped alivate 75% of my symptoms (flashbacks, low selfworth, nigthmares, anxiety etc.)

Perhaps this is too cynical, but I do not trust therapists in general. As another commenter said, you might be able to find a good one after a lot of time and effort...or you might not.

Also, therapists, in some countries, are medical professionals, and everything you tell a therapist will be part of your medical history. That medical history is not as private/confidential as you might think. Sure, HIPAA, but if you are ever involved in a lawsuit or run for office, those medical records may be opened up and splattered all over a courtroom and maybe even the news. I will eat hot coals before I let a lawyer or the government know about any mental issues I might have.

And don't even get me started on how potential employers/cowokers can use your medical history to discriminate against you. Sure, it might be illegal, but it won't stop them from doing it if they want (and calling you "crazy" while they snicker behind your back). I've seen this happen multiple times in the places I've worked.

Don't give them the power.

If I were you, I would reconsider seeing a therapist. Maybe self-help books are an alternative?

I don’t know where you are, but there is normally a hierarchy of service: a counsellor for example is not as qualified or as expensive as a psychologist. Counsellors will sit there and listen and maybe give you some advice- I don’t recommend them. If you want strategies to deal with specific problems see a psych, and tell them at the outset that you are seeking strategies. When you are searching for a psych tell them on the phone what kind of service you’re looking for specifically and ask them if they can do this. If they can’t, keep looking. This will lower your chances of wasting your time and money.

I’m going to go against the grain here and say that depending on the therapist, a man can be as good as if not better than a woman. I’ve had terrible male and female therapists. My current and excellent psych is a gay man and he completely understands FDS and had articulated (in an affirming way) even before I had that the only kind of man suited to me would need to be very high value.

TLDR: to avoid wasting time and money, be specific about what you want from the therapist, walk away if they can’t provide it; and there are good male therapists too (likely gay).

Here's the most practical set of things from my experience of therapy (in case it helps you):

1. The most important thing (for me) in my therapist is that they're someone whose approach I like. I like trusting them especially when trust has been hard to cultivate sometimes.

2. I found my therapist(s) on Psychology Today's website. It's a pretty powerful search engine and you can (and should) use filters, just check off the things that are important to you.

3. Here's the thing: I don't know what country you're in but in the U.S. healthcare is mostly private and thus HIGHLY insurance-based, so you should absolutely filter for your insurance company. I know money isn't in your question but someone is going to have to pay them.

4. Do a phone consultation and share what you're struggling with. Check in with yourself to see how their approach and demeanor feels.

5. "I also feel uncomfortable with the idea of sharing my life to a stranger but I'm sure that's a very common fear that could be addressed in therapy as well." YES: your last statement says it all. I used my first or second session to address this directly. A good therapist will be able to help you navigate this and respect your autonomy and own timing.

6. Lastly: it took me 12 phone calls (not an insignificant number) until all of my criteria were met. I just set aside some time and found someone who took my insurance, had a demeanor and approach I liked RIGHT away, and also took time to discuss practicalities. It didn't hurt that he (he's a gay man) is also the child of immigrants. He was connecting with me on a level I really respected.

I hope this doesn't seem overwhelming, I just had to navigate this completely alone, threading my way in the dark, but in the end it has really helped unearth some false conditioning and trauma responses that are not so sharply a part of my life.

(And a psychodynamic therapist worth their salt should be able to diagnosis and discuss that with you.)

I go to therapy and have had good luck gelling with my therapists for the most part. In terms of disclosure I saw it like going to the dr in the more honest you are the better they can help you. I've been doing therapy for years now and I highly recommend it if you're trying to level up because gaining self awareness and insight into your patterns is critical.

I like therapistaid when I'm trying to save money, brainstorm, or reflect on my feelings etc. I also use it as prep for therapy sometimes so my sessions are more focused and efficient. I'm literally still using up lined paper from school so what I did was print off the relevant worksheets once each and put them in a binder, and then I just write my answers on lined paper. I put the newest answers on top right behind the worksheet in the binder. It's a way of tracking how I've grown too.

I tell people that therapy definitely has limits in terms of its usefulness, and if you've learned coping mechanisms and can self-therapize you could likely need it less often as more of a check-in. I wish you luck with your level up journey! 👑

I have used Better Help for 4 years now. It's been a life saver too many times.

Vetting therapists is great. I went through a few months of initial consultations/first sessions.

You’ll know by their time management, email/telephone communication, responses to things you say/bring up, the gut feelings you get in the session as to how safe/comfortable the therapy will be.

Highly recommend trusting yourself. If at any point in the therapy you feel like the therapy isn’t right for you/not helpful, then discuss it with them once, see their response to the concern you’re bringing, and then cut or continue.

With a good therapist, opening up may take time and may feel difficult, but you’ll feel respected when doing so, which will show you that it gets easier.

My advice about an FDS-aligned therapist, is to bring up something (can be small) that a man did to you or some general criticism of the patriarchal society we’re in, and see how they respond. Any victim-blaming, minimising, dismissing, or general downplaying of what you’ve said will show you that they’re not aligned.