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Long story short, last month I left a 5 year long relationship (the longest and most stable one I've had), since my ex who started out as a HVM started to devalue and deprioritize me in the last couple of years, giving the majority of his time, attention, energy, and resources to his work and friends over our relationship. I would have left sooner, but I was sharing an apartment with him living in a very HCOL city through the pandemic, and I was too burnt out from reacting to stressful personal and professional events to handle a breakup then. I've since moved out and found my own spot, and I'm not ready to start dating again for a while, but have just been working on myself and spending time with friends and family. I've been through heartbreak before, so I know to be gentle with myself, process grief, and distract myself with healthy outlets like exercise and hobbies. However, I'm really struggling with oxytocin withdrawal from the lack of physical affection, touch, and having a present and supportive partner which I had experienced in the earlier half of my relationship. How do you compensate for this while living life as a single woman? Are there strategies you use to console yourself or find solace when the loneliness hits?
There's a void in my life at the moment that was previously filled by my ex, and the lack of intimacy is making my brain spin in circles questioning my long deliberated and logical decision to leave, and it keeps replaying the earlier moments of shared affection that were no longer present. I know that time will help, but at the moment I'm trying to reassure myself of my decision.
Congrats on leaving him! It's a big deal to move out when you're living with someone.
First off, recognize you're pining for a ghost.
Your ex wasn't HV, he masqueraded as HV. The guy you thought you dated (and are missing) doesn't exist. He never did.
Next, to fill that void, romance yourself.
Get fancy bubblebath, buy yourself gifts, get an expensive vibrator, go for a massage, take yourself out for lunch etc, etc. Do all the things that make you feel loved and cared for.
I've struggled with this chemical withdrawal for the past year too. My ex and I were very physically affectionate with one another, so I think one of the reasons why this has been the hardest relationship to get over is that level of chemical addiction.
I realized a month ago that my heart wasn't hurting when I thought of him anymore. I am getting over it by fully and totally existing in a headspace that is 100% my own -- you may not realize it, but you may still be leaving a psychological space for him in your mind, which keeps your brain hoping and expecting more chemical hits.
I erased the space that I was unintentionally reserving for him by being fully self-indulgent in myself. I'm decorating my space how I want and in a way that is accommodating to only a single person, I fill my time with hobbies that he was blatantly disinterested in hearing me talk about, and I mindfully notice and cherish that my time isn't taken up by worrying about not spending enough time with him or texting him enough, and instead having all this time and life energy for me alone, not owed to anyone. The high amount of exercise I do also helps a lot to replace that dopamine deficit.
I'm essentially erasing his non-corporeal presence in my life, and that is what has helped me the most to not miss the chemicals I was missing so dearly. I'm romancing myself, and I treat myself better than he ever could have.
Sorry for such a long post... I'm glad you had the courage to leave him, it's not easy!!! Best of luck to you in the months ahead, you got this. 💖
I’ve been struggling with this recently and have found that just as we need to be happy single before we can date again, I need to make my body my own again. My ex-husband was pretty cruel about my post-baby body and my ex-boyfriend thought I was absolutely beautiful. I need to feel beautiful without him.
I’ve just started barre classes and as it’s female only, the teacher is pretty hands on. She’ll pull your foot slightly or gently guide a hip so you’re standing level. It’s compassionately impersonal; she is merely ensuring we do the exercises in a safe and effective way. I’m really enjoying feeling a sense of personal alignment while working out.
I think this is a topic that really doesn’t get talked about enough. Our brains might be there but our bodies can take longer to catch up.
Listen to the FDS break up guide podcast. They've got good tips.. However this was me 18 months ago after leaving a NVM of 6 years. I went through the oxytocin withdrawals but was and am still healing from all the trauma and abuse. You must go NC for real..No responding to texts. No sneaking to look at their social media. Easier said than done, but It just prolongs the healing. I got into boxing. It's amazing to shed the anger. I got into plants.. I can't get any pets but taking care of plants has been incredibly positive for my mental health. If you can afford it, or get a Groupon for monthly massages so you still get some touch. Yoga is amazing for everything. Cycling also helped me. It forces my body to just GO, while my mind checks out.
So I hesitate to suggest this because it obviously can get messy and definitely wouldn't work for everyone, but the two things that really made me move on much faster after a breakup following a 6 year relationship (I was dumped, though) were 1) talking to friends about it 2) dating other people.
I actually dated other people before I really felt emotionally comfortable with it and it still really, really helped me in a way nothing else could. It changes your perspective on who's out there and how replaceable your ex is.
Also, if you're anxiously attached you're more likely to move on from an ex this way: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/26689080_On_the_Rebound_Focusing_on_Someone_New_Helps_Anxiously_Attached_Individuals_Let_Go_of_Ex-Partners
I recently went through a breakup a few months ago and feel the withdrawel or need for affection somewhat too. What has helped in my case is adopting another pet(my bunny needed a pal anyway), moving, taking myself on dates as someone else mentioned and writing out the cons of being in that relationship. I feel so much better now as I’m no longer having night terrors and my gastritis a stomach disease and inflammation my J&J jab gave me has gotten a lot better since leaving him as I’m no longer vomiting several times a week.
My mind and body literally both feel lighter and healthier after leaving such a freak LVM. Note any positive changes you’ve experienced since leaving this guy. He wanted to string you along as a forever girlfriend seeing you’ve been with him for 5 years so he was lukewarm about you at best.
Enjoy this newfound space that a scrote isn’t taking up anymore.
I cuddle my dog. Also, I started running again for the first time since high school. It was my biggest passion! It floods your brain with feel good chemicals that in my opinion are superior to the cuddling hormones. And trust me I LOVE cuddling especially naked for skin to skin.
Running floods you with all kinds of hormones after a mile or two (sweet spot for me is 3-5). Be careful, start small with walk breaks to avoid injury. But seriously, it could transform your life. At a certain point I was like what hurts more, this run or moping around my apartment with a broken heart? Then it was, which feels better, this run or that relationship? The answer was clear.
I also got an IUD (Mirena. Paraguard makes you BLEEEEEEEDDDD). I can't "feel it" inside be but I know it's there and I feel like I love my IUD because it protects me more than my ex ever even tried.
Affirmations. You can literally program your subconscious mind to do, think, believe anything including that you will be ok, that you are the love you seek, etc. It’s a concept not often talked about but it’s real, and proven.
I want to ask one question, it pertains to a strategy post I want to make.
What was your sex life like?