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Trying to appear HV for the sake of work related respect and maybe better service at a restaurant but I don't want to attract guys or attention.
Ive been dressing nice because I've noticed people treat me better and I've actually been getting cat called less and respected more. (Classism obviously.)
My problem is that it's exhausting and I can't separate the idea of dressing nice/exercising/eating healthy/looking good from attracting a man, I can't actively see myself as a person right now I just feel like I'm posturing? I feel like I'm just inviting patriarchy to eat away at my wallet and soul, I'd even call myself an anti-makeup person because I refuse to fix myself up with chemicals to please ugly men.
To put it in perspective I switched from wearing regular black sweatpant w pockets (they pass as regular pants if you hide the string honestly.) And just a regular colored shirt from a pack I bought on Amazon.
An outfit so basic I literally looked like a cartoon character each day. My clothes meant something though, I want to be able to run away from stalkers and fight back against anyone and now I'm wearing heals with weird office pants that don't hug my curves properly and "professional" shirts that are just scratchy polyester. I feel so pathetic and goofy, I'm even gaining weight because I feel like a Christmas ornament instead of a person that moves lol.
I miss my old self, just wearing sweatpants every day and going to the gym for 3 hours day with pre-workout. It was so easy but now
Being feminine is just super exhausting and I wish I didn't have to do it in order to feel respected outside, I don't even smile at men but they treat me like a damn princess, it's way better than being treated like trash (even though they're trash themselves because that's how their parasitic minds work.) But I'm just worried I'm bordering pick-meism and I really just don't want that to be me. I can't separate dressing nice from seeking male approval because it's just not who I am, I am neither of those things but I want to be respected in a classist world. I'm even gaining weight because of these nicer clothes because I can't run anywhere before or after work "so that I look good."
I was even put into a conversation with two of my older coworkers (one scrote one pick-me) roasting a younger woman for wearing leggings to a meeting. I tried explaining that being feminine is a pain in the ass but this guy was like "yeah well I have to throw slacks on sometimes instead of jeans" like COOL, Have you considered earrings? Heals? Dresses? What about the fuckin materials? What about the fact that every time we buy something it doesn't fuckin fit right or it shrinks, or it's deliberately made like shit?
Being feminine is so fuckin exhausting, and of course the pick-mes mad because she's wearing dresses and using a curling iron in the morning and that young employee had the guts to cut the shit and get to work without the glitter.
It was so unprofessional how they spoke lmao, it was over the phone too he didn't have to tell me, like it was totally relatable to roast a young girl about leggings at a meaningless meeting. I don't want to be like that woman lmao bitter because the hoop earrings and dresses didn't pay off.
Being healthy and losing weight is so easy to me but once I have to dress nice each day I'm honestly getting worn down.
I understand, and relate to, your pain, but I personally wouldn't use the word 'feminine'. A woman being 'feminine' has nothing to do with how she dresses. I understand what you're saying though, mayb e'presentable' by patriarchy's/society's standard. A woman in leggings is extremely 'feminine' because it's hugging her figure, but actually women don't have to do or wear anything in particular to be feminine, because it's literally what we are. I have this gripe with the term 'lady-like' as well. I am a lady, so anything i do is lady like. lol. Can you find a happy medium? mayb epart of the time allow yourself to relax and enjoy the attire you want and move in and feel better in, an dhalf the time dress differently to minimise BS?
And guys keep trying to have eye gazing "moments" with me, like sir I'm purchasing toothpaste today, not your genes.
Idk I'm just frustrated, trying to find the meaning within it all. Like what's the point? How do I separate looking good from male approval? They're intertwined lmao
https://twitter.com/femliyana/status/1625009925083791361
I always wear nice skirts suits from Tahari or LeSuit to work. I do it for MONEY and also the respect I get for looking well put together. I had a friend who wore $5 velour leggings to her job as VP at Deutsche Bank, and they were trying to fire her within 6 months. Dressing nice isn't for men. It's for YOU. Bring your sweats and tennis shoes to work and go exercise before, at lunch, or after work. I usually walk home the 1.5 hours it is from my job to my apartment. I take my dress shoes off, put them into my drawer, put on my Merrell vapor gloves, and roll out in my skirt suit. And I just eat dinner. I don't eat at work especially because sitting all day makes me fat.
Performing femininity is a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" kind of thing. As I think you've realized, there is certainly a lot of social pressure and punishment against women who don't perform it. On the other hand, performing it is exhausting, dehumanizing, and expensive, and it can cause you to feel dissociated from your body and yourself.
Something that gets forgotten when we talk about feminine beauty standards is that they're really about class/socioeconomic status. That's what they have always been about, from footbinding to corsets to fake nails. These trappings of femininity communicate that you are wealthy enough to spend a lot of time and money on things that actually make it harder for you to perform labor - that you (or traditionally, the man who "owns" you) have the privilege to be decorative rather than functional. That's what "pretty privilege" really is. It's not about looking pretty, it's about looking rich. But I think you've figured that out, too.
If it helps, I have some insight into looking professional and polished without looking "feminine" or decorative. I would suggest looking into menswear and menswear-inspired looks. For example, my professional uniform is a pair of trousers (usually with an elastic waistband or a stretchy fabric), a men's button-up shirt (don't bother with women's button-ups, they suck), a crewneck sweater, and a pair of loafers or ballet flats. I wear the same set of minimalist jewelry every day. I don't really wear makeup unless I'm seeing clients, in which case I'll fill in my eyebrows and put a little concealer under my eyes. (It's bullshit, but they take me more seriously when I do that.) I also look a bit like a cartoon character at work, because I just wear variations on this in different colors. But it's fine.
I get most of these clothes from the men's racks at thrift stores. Thrift stores are full of high-quality men's button-ups. You can either go for the oversized look or get it tailored - it's still cheaper than buying a new one. I'm pretty sure the elastic-waistband trousers I wear just spawn in thrift stores, because I've never seen anything like them for sale in actual stores but thrift stores always have them. Those viral Target "office sweatpants" are a similar style, though. I also like the Old Navy Pixie Pants because they feel exactly like wearing leggings, but they look like actual clothes. They're a little scratchy, though. Quince sells higher-quality ponte pants at a similar price point. (Quince is great for comfortable workwear - their thing is natural fabrics at affordable prices.)
It's not a perfect solution to the problem, but it's a hell of a lot more comfortable than high heels and scratchy polyester blouses.
Fitted t-shirt and accessories that won't get in the way? Basic eye makeup, do your hair nicely, but maybe sneakers still?