Words means nothing.

Question

I grew up in poverty, smart enough to get a (somewhat) straightforward ride to higher education, and now working odd jobs to support myself because nepotism is real (and in my particular case, logistic is hell).

Safe to say I've met men from almost all walks of life.

And I am a quiet person in real life, prefer to listen rather than speaking much -- because speaking is tiring.

And without fail, all of those men always have some "beautiful wisdom" to share with me (aka mutz educatezzz this womanzz, she knows nothingzzzz)

Ya know, because I don't jump to correct them and/or debate them much (because that sh*t is tiring, I dun wanna) -- so they go full Aristotle with me.

If you aren't used to men speaking in Wisdom™ with you, you may think "OMG finally a man that speak sense! This is a good guy!" -- because he said all the words that you wish a man would say to you.

Take this man for example: The Speech Prof

Let's make things clear -- I don't know him. Didn't watch any of his videos other than that viral one once, so I have no opinion on the guy itself.

But scrolling through the comments, you will notice exactly the kind of thing I talked about above -- this man got the full force of the Halo Effect, celebrated and lauded and loved by mostly female audience.

You do realize if it is another woman who said all that he said -- it would be just "another feminist video" and would get maybe a quarter of his views?

But because he, a man, said all those words -- he gets all the love.

And without even knowing the dude personally in and out -- most of the female commenters are like "Oh you are such a GOOD/GREAT/KIND person!"

It is this "Oh he said all the things I so desperately want to hear from a man, he MUST be a good guy!" phenomenon that concerns me.

Because words mean NOTHING.

Anybody and everybody with a functioning brain can learn how to speak Wisdom™ -- it is not that hard.

I can, you can -- you think those men can't?

Yeah, sure, they love using weaponized incompetence to make you believe they are just some bumbling idiots -- but do remember, they have a functioning brain.

And they can learn -- especially when they are on a mission.

A mission to get into your-knows-where.

There's Google, there's shit ton of books, there's instagram and podcasts and whatever else -- they even have their fathers and uncles and bros to learn from.

Some of this dudes -- sis your legs may go jelly listening to their Wisdom™ in that sweet, saccharine voice. Especially if they are hot and a doctor or a lawyer of something -- smells good, dress good, hair's good, everything is just perfect.

But remember, words, no matter how beautiful and "deep" they are -- still means nothing.

Even if, and especially if you gained something valuable from those words.

Like how @Moondrop4 benefitted tremendously from one of Matthew Hussey's videos.

In this case, his words does mean something.

But do remember that the one that actually make those changes and help you get out of that dark, depressing time was [YOU]. Sure, his words are the push that you need to get up and start moving, but in the end it is all [YOU].

Should you still be grateful to him tho? Sure, feel free.

But being Grateful does NOT equal Groveling.

Being thankful and grateful of someone's help does NOT mean you literally worship him and he can do nothing wrong and you must defend him till the day you die etc;

You are grateful to meet that advice and use it to help you reach your fullest potential. Full-stop.

If someone help you one day in advice or actions -- and it helped you greatly, so you are thankful to them -- a GENUINE person will be satisfied with a simple "Thank you" and watching you get out of the problem.

If the person comes back EXPECTING you to basically be at his/her beck-and-call? Then just be grateful for that one specific help and cut them off immediately. Because they are baiting you with that "help".

And in this case, let's say a man comes to you and give his Words of Wisdom™ and those are exactly the kind of things you needed to hear that day?

Sure, go on ahead and be thankful. But that doesn't mean you start groveling and worshipping him.

And definitely DO NOT feel guilty rejecting his offer to "go out together sometimes".

Ever heard of "Learning from your enemies?" -- men do this all the time, learning from each other while still wanting to destroy the crap outta each other. Do they ever feel guilty?

**Do remember that Narcissist and Cheaters can spew the most beautiful, deep, thoughtful, words you will ever hear -- and still be the most horrible piece of sh*t you will ever meet.**

Relax sis, you aren't "evil" for not groveling to them. You benefit from some specific advices, great! Continue on with your life -- if they try to use their Wisdom™ to lure you into giving them what they want, cut them off immediately.

"So how about gestures/actions?"

Same thing, be grateful, NOT groveling.

Feel free to be thankful and happy that he searched the entire blocks for that specific brand of tampon on the night of an unexpected period;

But that doesn't mean "Oh he do this [insert romantic gesture here], he MUST be a good guy/HVM!"

Learn to curb that immediate, impatient, desperate need to put him in the "Good Guy HVM" Box and just continue vetting.

What's the rush? Are you going somewhere? Is there a deadline? What are you so afraid of?

Worry that he will be snatched by some other woman -- because you take too long to vet him?

If he is that easily snatched by another woman -- he isn't the one you want, sis.

Remember, he is the CHASER, you are the CHOOSER. If he wants you, he really wants you -- not even Miss Universe herself can "snatch" him away.

You aren't here to MATE-GUARD him against other women sis, that's his job.

Your job is to focus on yourself, level up, and make sure you aren't stressed by stupid scrotes and shitty ass people.

And definitely don't fall for "beautiful" Words of Wisdom™ and falling over yourself celebrating him and worshipping the ground he walks on.

Men are men. Wisdom™ or not, just keep vetting and never stop.

Stay safe, Stay WOMAN.

P/S: If you need something less harsh, find somebody else. I don't do compassion.

Accepted Answer

great post!

and btw, our words usually mean nothing to a man. you can share your trauma with him, open your heart to him, you can set your boundries very clearly to him. he will still disrespect you. he won't listen. and if he does, he'll use it to his advantage. so we should keep our thoughts to ourselves and vet ruthlessly.

PlainSimpleTailor · Answer

Words can be downright dangerous. In my last relationship, my ex spun words around me like a web. I'm fairly eloquent and well-read myself so often times we would both sound very, very smart, but say little of value. All that talking covered up many major issues we had, and he definitely covered up his abusive and narcissist ways with it. I strongly believed everything could be solved by analysis and finding better words for things. There is truth to that, but I was operating entirely under the premises he had set, so my analysis was pretty worthless until I started factoring in some outside perspective. Nowadays I'm wary of smooth talkers and DeEp and ProFoUnd men. Maybe it doesn't always correlate with a huge ego but it always did in my experience. My current partner is intelligent, but he doesn't talk impressively. Sometimes I miss the highly intellectual conversations of my past relationship. But then I realize that while the words sounded better back then, the emotional connection and mutual understanding is much stronger today. Words are crutches, the most important things don't need to be said perfectly and accurately. Of course I'll never let go of my love of beautiful prose and other clever uses of language, but when it comes to interpersonal communication, I don't put so much emphasis on good-sounding words anymore.

Smh · Answer

"Question any belief that intellectual connection is paramount in a romantic relationship"

I feel I am still guilty of this to some extent

Intellectual connection is such a big part of my identity, I am worried I will need to "hide" a fundamental part of who I am in a relationship without it ?

Also worried I wont be able to respect the guy if he isnt at least a little bit knowledge oriented ?

PlainSimpleTailor · Answer

Yes to all of this, but especially the second point hit home hard. I could have written this. I found that even after the break-up, I sometimes fell back into judging people by their outward intellect. I was so used to being impressed and intellectually challenged by big words. I completely accepted the assumption that a romantic relationship needs to be intellectually stimulating at all times, because my ex used to go on and on about "mental connection". Nevermind he often weaponized this concept, by punishing me when I wasn't intellectually "on" at all times, and by being very verbally combative in general (also he wanted to convince me of an open relationship because what does sex matter in comparison to the meNtaL cOnneCtiOn 🤡). Men who like hearing themselves talk and dominate others via rhetorical devices don't respond well to situations where they can't play those cards. And in those cases where it works, like you said, they use it to totally blind you and erode your self esteem. I like the quote "everyone's smart here, distinguish yourself by being kind". It rings very true for me.

SereneQueen · Answer

I relate to so much of this. Two points to highlight:

• Positive words are the minimum, but essential. If he supports you materially/with his actions, but is verbally abusive or manipulative, that’s unacceptable. A HVM shows his love and protection with actions AND words. He lifts you up by caring for you in all regards, including both financially and through loving affirmations.

• Question any belief that intellectual connection is paramount in a romantic relationship. I had a ruinous relationship with a high-IQ covert narcissist. I was excited that I finally found an intellectual equal, which blinded me to his egregious flaws, and he took pleasure in destroying my confidence and safety. A man who is kind and effective is better than a man who is clever with nothing good to show for it.