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So, I’ve sadly grown up surrounded by people who neglected themselves and important issues in their lives, fled from their traumas, drowned their worries in alcohol, etc. I truly feel like a “cycle breaker” among my relatives who by and large refuse to acknowledge how fucked up their pasts (and sometimes their current realities) are. I met a few high-achieving people at college, but I was very young then and many of them were older and more mature than me and therefore not that interested in friendships with me. Of all people with whom I frequently interacted and were living great lives on the outside, every one had at least one area of their lives which was utterly falling apart, or a major character flaw (in men, it was mostly being raging misogynists). I’ve started to ask myself who really “has it together”, who is actually healthy or at least healthy enough to continuously improve on their weak areas, and where do I meet these people? I have been disillusioned with academic types, but maybe I haven’t been looking in the right place.
We all know our environment influences us a lot and I feel like I’m fighting the bad influence every day, the influence of people not committed to bettering themselves and their lives, who have just given up and indulge their bad habits without much thought. I have my plan of how to level up, but I’m finding it hard to find people who are in a similar place. The classic self-improvement bubble is full of douches who want to “hack their productivity” and whatnot, and who glorify their version of hard work above all else.
Do I expect too much of people? Do you have any examples of people you know who are adults (late 20s, early 30s) and do well in the major areas in life, like
a stable career with decent work-life-balance and healthy ambitions (no workaholics)
part of a network of supportive friends and relatives, not just superficial relationships
a clean and organized home
openness and kindness
healthy eating and exercise habits, no drugs or alcohol or other addictive behaviors
a range of fulfilling hobbies
a broad intellectual horizon and a zest for lifelong learning
emotional maturity and ability to reflect their feelings and behaviors
the ability to change course in their lives if they need to, not resting on their laurels
a healthy and positive view of the world, humbleness and gratitude, no victim mindset, no misogyny/racism etc.
no major trauma or mental health issues, and if they do, it’s well-controlled and doesn’t interfere too much with the rest of this list
I have yet to meet a person, male or female, who checks all the boxes. I myself don’t check all the boxes, hence the desire to level up. I know every person is a work in progress, but I can’t help but wonder if there are indeed people who have either already reached a high level in those areas, or are at least very committed to becoming a well-rounded person who doesn’t sacrifice one area too much over the other. Which amount of experience and progress do you think a person has to have under their belt to increase the chances that they’re going to succeed in the future?
There’s probably no quick or easy answer to this, but I’d appreciate your input. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person who still believes change is possible and hasn’t gotten too complacent.
I think it's extremely rare to find people who have it together in all the areas you've mentioned. Life is hard, society is sick, and our world is moving at a pace that's not sustainable for humans.
I feel like we're all failing to live up to these impossibile expectations that we put on ourselves and others. I personally think that I would be much more "together" if I could live a smaller and simpler life, even though I consistently deny this to myself. I think we have been brainwashed by advertisement (broadly defined) to the extent that we think normal human limitations are personal failures.
Anyway, I do know a few people who seem to have it "all together". Some of them made the loudest noise in history when they unexpectedly exploded bringing everyone down with them. Others seem fine by societal standards, but they are very clearly emotionally crippled to the keen observer, or are going through something major that no one suspects. I often wonder when I read posts online if I must live in a particularly problematic area or if everyone is in denial, or both, because the people aged 20-40, that I know of, they're all struggling really, really bad.
I think your list as a whole defines a solid constellation of aspirational HV traits. I would say a HV person has a good hold on most of these, while actively leveling up in a couple key growth areas. No one is ever a finished product or perfect.
One of the core challenges of making HV friends/relationships is the simple fact that the vast majority of people do not fit this mold. They are complacent in jobs they hate, toxic relationships, addictive or numbing coping mechanisms, a helpless fixed mindset, and unhealthy patterns. That’s the sad truth of this world.
The best thing I have found is to continually nurture and improve myself, while seeking out people who are further along on their journeys in my weaker areas, so that I can learn from them and be supported by them, while in turn supporting them in other ways that they need.
I like this question because it makes me think you're prioritizing continual learning, curiosity, and a certain spiritual alignment with the messy reality we've inherited.
I'm often told (by people who know me and don't) that I have it "together" and I think it comes down to a few things, many of which you touched on:
At the top would be self-awareness. You can't send an unself-aware person to therapy and expect major results, from example. So I look for this quality in friends.
Another would be the desire to be slightly better every day. I judge myself based on the improvements I was able to make from yesterday, last week, last month, etc. I place primacy on process over outcome (even as I say that I feel like I'm not being totally frank because I *love* outcome, but it is never fulfilling if I don't learn to love the long road). So I look for people who have the desire to improve themselves, little by little, and take effort to do so.
I could go on and on. The important thing is congruency between what I say I'm doing and what I want to see other people doing. Is it lonely? Sure. But I have examples to look to (with as little idealization as possible) and I especially find that consciousness paths help develop this outlook.
Exercise: I made a list the other day of my "circle": from my medical doctors to my therapist to my tailor, I wanted to find out, "Who are my people?" And then for all the missing parts (not just friends but all kinds of relationships I want to invite into my life) I highlighted a blank space. That way, I get to see that in fact I am surrounded by people who want the best for me, and I'm open to knowing more of them soon.
At the end of the day, your greatest resource is *you*. Keep working your path even if you think there are very few other souls on it.
I just ranted about this during my last therapy session. I'm really starting to think this mindset is rare and is only found among people who have experienced real trauma and have largely dealt with it.
Sadly a part of leveling yourself up is realizing that the people around you are flawed, broken, toxic, etc. and there is often nothing you can do to help them. I've been on my own level-up journey and have felt the same way that a lot of the women here have shared in the comments.
One thing I've learned as a way to help me is to just lead by example with the people around me. So, I take care of myself and when people ask me how I do it or what I changed I tell them and then leave the rest to them to make that change for themselves. If they do, that's great and if not then the next time they ask for help I don't offer it. I've trimmed down my friend circle to people who may have some issues, but as long as it doesn't affect our friendship negatively or put me off my own level-up journey then I just let it go. That may not be exactly helpful to everyone, or even doable for some, but it has helped me immensely in my life and has actually made some of my friendships better. Just my two cents as a work in progress over 35 woman 😀
Thank you so much for posting this. This exact thing has been weighing heavily on my mind today, to the point of despair (don't think the catastrophic shoulder injury I've recently sustained has been helping: I can no longer do any of the things that usually keep me sane and that's going to be the case for months now). Curious to see what other experiences of this might be as at the moment I just feel like a lone outlier drowning in a sea of average, where 'average' is exactly what you all describe above. Dysfunction and mediocrity of one sort or another, accepted or at least resigned to. I'm now wondering whether it's actually even worth continuing this uphill battle of trying to be and do better, when it takes so much work and energy yet doesn't make any tangible difference in terms of life opportunities and things continue to be far easier for those conforming to the 'average' (or so it seems) - they're apparently drowning in options, while I'm sitting here with nothing. After all, the world is necessarily set up to cater for averages. That's why they're averages; the majority of people fit them.
Urgh, anyway - I'm rambling, sorry. Wish I had something more constructive to say but just wanted you to know you're VERY much not alone.
I went through something similar ten years ago. I'd just left an abusive family of origin, a string of abusive relationships, and a cult. Seriously, I was surrounded by horrible people from birth.
Short answer: People with their shit together are out there, but it's a matter of time, meeting a lot of people (it's a numbers game), and continually working on your own shit.
I met better people as soon as I left all the abusers, but looking back now, I realize even the better people still kinda sucked which is no surprise because my own headspace wasn't great.
As I worked on myself (including trauma therapy), I naturally found better people, for a bunch of reasons...
I became more emotionally available while tolerating less shit, which meant I gravitated to people with healthy boundaries.
It became a reinforcing process, because once you find one awesome person, you'll probably meet all their friends, and birds of a feather flock together.
My successes built on top of each other, personally and professionally. I began to quickly discern which activities and social circles were the best use of my time, and how quickly to let go of dead ends. My growing reputation also got me into increasingly better circles with more opportunities.
Idk if this helps, or if it resonates with anything you're noticing right now. It's hard to give more targeted advice without knowing exactly what you're doing (or not doing).
I don’t even check all those boxes and I consider myself to be pretty together in life compared to most people I know. I’m pretty self aware though when it comes to my shortcomings and am always actively working on and upfront about any issues I have.
So…I guess I’m going against the grain here but I do know a few people who check all of your boxes (and more). They’re ALL 50+ years old though. I think it’s exceptionally rare to find a 20 or even 30 something who would check all the boxes. Therefore, a lot of the friends I feel true emotional intimacy with are much older than me.
At the same time though, I get what you’re saying. These types of people are rare in general and I think the younger you are, the less there are. I will say I know literally zero men like this in the 20-30’s age range. :/
the people i know who check these boxes are older than 20s or 30s. one of them is late 50s, and she's married to a woman (wasn't there a post on here in the past talking about how nice it would be to have a wife? 😂). life is both brutal and beautiful, and if you live past a certain age, you've had so much experience problem-solving that it bestows on you both a ferocity and a calmness that benefit many situations.
no one is perfect, we are all trying our best, even the ones who don't seem like it. the key is having boundaries and always circling back to self-care, which is just resilience: the ability to re-center even after the harshest of energetic sh*tstorms.