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I'm looking for advice on how to deal with these situations in perhaps a classier way.
I'm in my 30s. I have a real, real problem with women demanding that I behave a certain way or do something they want me to do. It triggers me into almost a rebellious-teen mode and I feel like I'm snarky and unkind in response. I would like a better, classier, response to these things.
Example.
I broke with up a guy I was seeing. Vented to a friend, who is around my age. Of all the things I complained about, she honed in on his drinking (which was really out of the blue, because she drinks, her husband drinks, so I don't know where this is coming from). She said to me, "See! That's why you can't date a man who drinks! You MUST PROMISE ME! PROMISE ME RIGHT NOW that you will NEVER date a man who drinks AGAIN!"
I gave her a side eye and just said, "Yeah." The drinking wasn't the sole issue. And no, I'm not going to promise I'm never going to date a man who drinks again. Alcoholics are a problem sure but if we have wine with dinner, calm down. I'm not your child.
But I threw shade and she felt it, and I wish I handled it differently, but I don't know what that looks like.
And it's in particular to these forceful, demanding attitudes and commentary. Like a parent berating their child. Coming from my peers, that just infuriates me, although I can see they are well-intentioned. And it's usually out of the blue--these people aren't like this all the time, it's just occasional one-offs, but man it triggers me.
How do I handle it better?
Flip it back on them
"Hmm your reaction feels like I triggered something in you that might be worth reflecting on. Perhaps you've just discovered a new boundary."
It's just advice they are giving to themselves. It has nothing to do with you. Sadly, people do not care about you. Everything is about their own stuff. Once I realized this, it got easier to tolerate well-intentioned but pickme friends. I started out replying like you did. Then I moved on to, "Aw, thanks I appreciate that." Then I got fed up and started putting it back on them, like, "You can promise to never date an alcoholic. It seems important to you."
I had college friends that did the same. In the early stages of dating my current HVM, I told them we went on a tapas/wine date, and one girl said “omg wine?! RED FLAG!!” 🤨. She was serious and said I should dump him. Turns out she had a lovebombing narc ex that showered her in luxury gifts but was also a violent alcoholic and her biggest abuser.
I learned that people who give unsolicited advice like that are projecting or trying to make themselves feel better. Their advice comes less from wisdom and more from trauma, insecurity, etc. Or, they’re just LV and want to drag you down to their level.
Take it with a grain of salt, especially if they're not FDS-aligned. Thank them for the advice and leave it or if they’re close friends you can politely explain why you disagree. This helps too if they have ill-intentions, because those kinds of people just want to get a reaction from you, don't give it to them.
Prevention is the best cure. Now that you know, don't talk to her about issues that she going to have a big reaction to.
Their intention isn’t good if they give unsolicited advise. I used to feel bothered when ppl do such a thing but right now I let them know their place by saying “Why are meddling with my business? Did I ask you for advise?“ It usually stands them. Don’t worry about being polite, it gets you nowhere with ppl with nothing better to do than give unwanted advise.
I wonder if your friend and her husband drink to similar levels as your ex and she is feeling defensive because you had a problem with it. I don't see her response as well-intentioned in anyway and feels controlling to me.
It sounds like your response was because you picked up this controlling behaviour, though I am afraid I don't have a classier response. I know my default would either be no or stay silent at the demand.
By addressing the issue directly, head-on. Clearly communicating your feelings. Basically you tell them exactly what you just told us. Explain that (while you understand they probably have good intentions) they come across as demanding and condescending when they talk at you with useless advice as if you was a child. Tell them that makes you feel uncomfortable because you are the same age as them. So they shouldn't be talking to you that way. Ask them to be more respectful.
About the drinking comment, you could directly tell her what you just told us: "How is drinking an issue? You drink too. What? Should I stop hanging out with you because you drink? Your advice sounds rather hypocritical and nonsensical."
Call it out for what it is.
If they are truly well intentioned, just misspoke, then they won't have an issue with you speaking your mind. If they react with hostility, then (yes you will have more conflict, but) you will (also) know that they never considered you as their friend. Better to have their cards out in the open.
Nothing wrong with direct and clear communication. If you have something (negative) to say, just say it. Don't hide it and pretend that everything is fine. The problem of passive aggressive responses and sarcasm as a response is that it lacks clarity and lacks open and honest communication. And you can't build a friendship on dishonest communication or lack of communication. It's okay to talk and ask clarifying questions to improve mutual understanding. We oftem assume the other person understands us already, but it's safer to check, and to over-explain, than to just assume the other person 'gets it', and to leave them with a short one liner. If you care about maintaining that particular friendship.