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Vetting is NOT exhausting - vetting is merely being honest with yourself.
Vetting is going into a date with a critical mind and clear eyes, and see the man for what he is.
Vetting is knowing explicitly what your standards and boundaries are, and the second you notice he trying to challenge them - you drop him.
Vetting is stopping yourself from rationalizing his behavior and making excuses for him when he upsets or annoy you.
Vetting is listening to your intuition when it signals that something is "off", and immediately start planning your exit.
Vetting is respecting your intuition and believe in its power, instead of frantically tamping it down and pretend you don't hear it because you want this man to be the "one".
Vetting is NOT like redpill manosphere pick up artists thousand of tactics and scripts to get you into bed with them - vetting is merely being disciplined with yourself for your own sake.
The only way you think vetting is "exhausting" is because you just want to "fall" - you just want to believe everything he say, you just want to fog yourself with the bliss of ignorance, you just want to pretend that everything is okay and happy and good and exciting.
Vetting is "exhausting" because you keep hoping this new man will finally be the "one" but vetting shows you that he is not, and you feel disappointed. You silently wish you don't know this vetting concept and just get lost in the intoxication and thrill of "love".
But that state of intoxication and thrill won't last forever - eventually you can't deny the pain of the intuition screaming at you. You aren't "confused why he suddenly change overnight!" - deep down your intuition already know, but you choose to ignore it. So all it can do is screaming and writhing in agony until you can't ignore it anymore.
Vetting is "exhausting" is like driver feeling knowing rules and regulations of the street "exhausting". They wish they can be free from the burden of knowing and drive as recklessly as they want. Sure it seems exhausting and annoying learning and knowing all the rules, but ignorance is bliss until it bites you in the ass, hard.
Vetting is not exhausting - it is a skill that needs learning and feels tiring when you aren't used to it. But once you got it, you will slap yourself silly thinking "why didn't I learn this sooner, would've save me so much pain and wasted years!"
Stay safe ladies.
This is fantastic. Thank you. I will say vetting can * feel * exhausting because it is definitely a mental muscle that we have to teach ourselves to do so much the opposite of what we have been taught/socialised/conditioned to do! (ie 'give him a chance' and all the other invalidating stuff). IT takes real and persistent work to undo the pick-me thinking and to rewire the brain. It is tiring. But it is far less tiring and it is far more positive than the BS you are left with if you DONT do it. I think, for myself at least, it will become 'easier' in time, in the sense that my 'muscle' for it will become stronger and it will feel and be more natural. Once I build these new habits!
Great post! I find that vetting actually gives me energy! I tell other women, it may be difficult to do at first, and if you don't have your self-regard built up yet, it can be a case of "fake it til you make it." But start anyway, because it will help you build your self-esteem until that part of you is strong enough to actually fuel the vetting (and other strategies).
WOW! I wish I had read this post yeaaaaars ago! Thank you so much. It is so true what you say about sometimes "wishing" you didn't see, in order to be "blinded by the light" of _love_ but in the end, it doesn't even matter because you'll have escaped a horrible waste of time and energy.
Vetting is crucial indeed, yet not easy every day I'll give you that
thank you for your post!
Relatable. I've been an FDSer for about a year now, and my vetting was really tested about a month ago. I'm vegan, and I have chosen to only date vegan guys — and let me tell you, they're hard to find. So you can imagine how excited I was when I met an attractive guy who shares my lifestyle AND have a lot in common with. It was hard for me to finally admit he was LV and to block and delete. I was in denial that this seemingly sweet guy was a scrote in disguise, because he was great up until after our first date. FDS armed me with the knowledge to listen to my intuition. We had one date and over the span of two weeks:
🚩 He changed the first date location last minute to a restaurant 15 minute walking distance from his apartment. 🚩 He casually suggested we could watch a movie at his place on said date. 🚩 He didn't plan a proper second date like he said he would, but instead invited me over to his apartment (I said no). 🚩 🚩🚩🚩He sent me an unsolicited shirtless gym photo and then asked ME for a "risqué photo" in return.
ONE DATE, FOLKS. I'm ashamed it took me two weeks to wake up 😩
Nowhere near as exhausting as being in a relationship with a Scrote! Vetting is the only defence against that outcome, so while it may seem tiring to always have your guard up, it's much less tiring than being stuck with a LVM
Vetting is a breath of fresh air and gives me the confidence to move forward and trust my intuition too.
When I first read the title of the post, I immediately thought of how vetting is exhausting (more so tiring, exhaustion is a bit of an over exaggeration in my case) because we as women are usually taught to believe the "good in people."
You hear it all the damn time, everywhere. In religious contexts, social contexts, relationship contexts, work contexts, EVERY FUCKING WHERE we are told to "just look at the bright side" or "give him/her a second chance" even though clearly 99% of the time, such people are undeserving of any other chances. You're never taught, let alone, told to be ruthless and "selfish" when it comes to setting boundaries and dropping people who violate them. It's tiring because you feel like you're the only one who's having to deal with the burden of un-brainwashing yourself in your mind, on your own, and all for some nasty scrote, atleast that's what it is in my case.
When I think about vetting/setting boundaries/being firm on my own, I feel fine. I feel confident. But when I have to put it to use on some pathetic scrote it feels like a chore (hence tiring or burdensome) because I already know they're not worth it if I have to put so much thought into decoding their subtle misogyny or sometimes coping with their abhorrently overt misogyny.
Another great post by you 👌
Vetting means you are in the driver's seat. You decide who to let in
I love that you used the driving rules comparison because it makes it so much easier to understand and also it doesn’t feel so impossible to apply anymore
Uh gugo I