Trauma and resentment is destroying my focus today

My sex life started off great, because I was the first girlfriend of my first boyfriends (B.P. , Before Porn). It was truly amazing for a few years, I was so comfortable with my sexuality and unfortunately I came to the conclusion that sex would always feel like that. But the truth is, and I've literally just realized this last month, I've only experienced the pure beauty of sex when I was the one in a position of power in the relationship (the most experienced one). As long as I lost that power, I entered the fun house of mirrors of sex under patriarchy, where men have all the power, and my sexuality, once vibrant source of joy has become infected with pain and trauma too. Maybe I am too cynical, but if I started off so well and ended up so bad, it can only mean that the problem are men. And for strictly straight women, that means sex is a battlefield from which we bear scars, not a playground. This is what brought me to radical feminism: the realization that it is virtually impossibile for a woman not to have some sort of damage to our sexual self inflicted by men, since sex is THE weapon men use against us to keep us in an inferior social position. The problem is I still remember what I lost, and I can't even begin to express how much grief and sometimes rage I feel about this.

I know most of my exes are not having wonderful lives. I guess that helps!

I think that being able to articulate and express your frustrations is something you can be proud of, it is starting point. Women have to face from childhood so many contradictory and harmful notions about sex. It is not your fault, and you are not broken. Suffering the consequences of sexual trauma seems to me not a sign of being broken, but a normal reaction to events that shouldn't have taken place. In a maybe overly poetic way, I imagine those horrible feelings, that suffering, as an unconscious rebellion, as your whole being protesting against an unfair treatment, and seeking another way. Because you know you deserve better.

PS. "Come as you are", a book by Emily Nagosky, explains some situations that, in spite of being quite normal, can make women feel "sexually broken" (because patriarchy). Maybe it can make you feel a bit less alone, while waiting for auroraborealis’ post.

I just want to say, revenge is never worth it. You end up hating yourself, and honestly when you attempt revenge you're also risking yourself and your life. They say the best revenge is living a good life, and I know how cliche that sounds but... the person who hurt me? I refuse to still let them control me. To take from me. I worked through my shit, on my own, because my pride wouldn't allow them to 'Have it over me'. Years later and I'm still looking forward to spitting on their grave but I'm not broken like I was and I don't fear people like I did. Time, stubbornness and the desire for a happy life is what helped me get there.

Definitely recommend therapy though. I never did and that was a mistake, but even on your own you can work through it and it can get better. Just don't be afraid to want things and to take the things you want. Hate them, be angry at them, but don't let it define you. Let it motivate you to live your best life to spite them.

And I'll tell you this. 12 years later and my person is miserable and alone. Don't just think they'll live happily and pain free, nobody does. Life gives us all lemons, but bad people usually don't have the will or desire to better themselves or their situation. They get lucky sometimes, but that always runs out in the end.

Most women have experienced this. I would say 99% probably. The difference is that part of them know they were abused and used and some of them don’t know. I think you have consciousness and you know that your experiences were not normal. The problem is that knowing those things and how we were deceived and disrespected makes us depressed. I understand your thoughts. I sometimes have those feelings. To tell you the truth, I even fantasize beating those men and causing them pain because I hate them so much. But now I am much better. I decided I will let this go because I didn’t know better. Many women here already told me “forgive yourself for not knowing better” and let it go. Now you are someone else, you know what the world Is like and no one will never hurt you again. By the way your therapist is a piece of shit. Instead of helping you with he made you feel worse, blaming you for being abused.

These men might be in “nice relationships “living their lives” and I know you can’t imagine that because you are a woman and you have empathy and I can’t believe how they could keep Going after being so abusive and make someone else suffer. But that’s just how they are. I hope you feel better, but seriously, try to forget that and like I said forgive yourself. Let those men out of your thoughts, they don’t deserve to stay there. Time is a healer!

I don't know what to say. I could have writen this, because it's so similiar to my story. I'm so sorry we had to experience this, and so many other women.

I have experienced this feeling and it sucks. It makes you feel like you are losing your mind.

I would advice you to stay away from masturbation if you can because I conditioned myself to use it to get over the pain. I basically started to use orgasms as a way to regulate my emotions. Sometimes it will feel like there is no way out and its your only release so you will do it again and thats okay. But being aware of it helps.

What I did was build my trust around men again but not all men, actually only a few. And I at first tried to stay away from real life men and watched HVM on screen or just online. I watched a lot of ASMR by men because it changed my view of them a lot seeing them trying to relax you (it was the total opposite to the fear they caused me) and it helped. I then started to remember men I knew that were normal and sweet and kind which grounded me some more. I talked about my experience to my friends and them relating made me feel less insane. This is really important, your feelings are right, your fear is right, your perception of men is right but its incomplete. The shitty men that stress you out do exist but so do the ones that would die to defend you for no other reason but because its right. They see you as a person and a human being deserving of kindness and respect.

I noticed aswell that my problem was that i believed the shitty things men said about women. I would hate my body and my being trying to justify this feeling. "I feel this way so it must be the truth" HELL NO. Recognize your power as woman, they wouldnt try to strip it away from you if it didnt threaten them.

Try to see sex as connection and safety. If you masturbate imagine scenarios that are comforting. Build your dream man and picture what you would want him to do with you in that situation. Truly if you flip the script and change the meaning of sex you will feel so so so much better. But I would say this is more of a later step, you need to feel more stable before you can reach this point, thats why i wrote it after the other advice :) you can do it!!