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I googled the term and mostly the advice was pretty shallow, what does the FDS brains trust think of a thread dedicated to tips for building (or rebuilding) self confidence? I'm thinking specifically in the context of dating and dealing with men, online harassment and the pervasive societal myths about being single and a womens value. I chose confidence as opposed to self esteem because it's more immediate, tangible and doesn't require a lot of self esteem foundation work to be completed before you can start practicing it.
I'm guessing a lot of women found FDS after witnessing some pretty horrible behaviour from guys online, in public and in the dating scene. While I consider myself pretty thick skinned the constant barrage of it did make me second guess things I usually feel confident about (and make me take time off my job where I was copping most of it). I was targeted by pick up artists and predators under the pretense of being a "hired gun" (to use one of their terms) and a selection of the patronage (and sometimes staff) were really into the negging and other psychologically abusive tactics (all to get laid and have bragging rights among other worthless users, totally pathetic). Even though I'd been employed in that job specifically because I fitted an ideal beauty standard I was constantly having mud slung at me with the expectation it would get them laid. In what world does stupid comments from a bunch of morons trump the acknowledgement from getting a coveted work contact. The only way I could interpret that was spite because it doesn't work, "If I can't have her I'm going to ruin it for everyone" seemed more like what was happening, it also stank of bitter old farts trying to sabotage the next generation.
I knew they were lying but the constant onslaught of it did frey my nerves making me quick on the trigger, not that it got them what they wanted beyond making my job harder than it needed to be. It did however exhaust me when it came to my enthusiasm for men and did make me aware of some of the shitty attitudes I didn't know existed making me more wary of dating. In short years of it week after week did undermine my confidence in men and not wanting to deal with their crap (and the ignorance of men who watched it unfold but did nothing), it made me want to check out of dating. I never stopped thinking I had worth but I did stop thinking men did and I started feeling intimidated by the prospect of dating, which had come easily to me before.
So, I'll kick off with a few ideas. If someone knocks you for the way you look first of all beauty is not only subjective, in and of itself it's not something that actually exist, it's "a glamour", an illusion, even the women you see in magazines on stage on screen they don't even look like that. I used to constantly tell women who asked how they could get my job what exactly looking that way involved, we went to the gym, we'd have our hair done professionally several times a week, make-up put on practically our entire body, plastic surgery, beautician we didn't just roll out of bed looking like that. It's completely unrealistic to think someone could walk in off the street and look the way we did because when we walked in off the street before we got established we didn't look like that either. It's hard work, it's a short window and it can end in an instant. Ultimately on a scale of diminishing returns you need to be employed in a job that requires it and pays well for it to be worth the effort and the trouble it will bring. On top of it a woman with a certain type of confidence and personality can still walk into a room and for all your work make you instantly invisible, looks aren't the biggest factor, looks in general are overrated, mostly what they make you is a trophy and some trophy hunters only want the head.
I found it helpful to mentally rehearse problematic conversations that I've had with people who were trying to catch me out. if I knew that I was going to get something thrown at me I'd plan how I would respond to it. I found it was a really good way to not be intimidated by people trying to treat me up. It was also good to have go to answer me for common questions people ask and it just made me feel more prepared when Id go on a date.
I'll give the same advice I gave my nieces to ensure they will develop into confident girls (and later, women) (hopefully):
a) pick a skill and work at it until you are virtually an expert. The skill should be an actual skill, like something you can build/make, something that involves high level logic/critical thinking skills, something that the world needs and is an actual contribution to humanity, stuff like that. Get really, really good at it. This is a way to build a strong and centered character so that you will not give a sh*t about what anyone says or does around you if it's not equally of good character or strong principles. Also, you will value yourself and losers will appear to be just losers to you. And it could potentially be a rewarding and satisfying career one day.
b) make strong friendships with other girls/women who are skilled.
c) learn what it is to have a good sense of humor so that pointless crap uttered from the mouths of losers will just roll off your back. Life is too short to let yourself take seriously or personally anything a low value person thinks and if you can laugh at it, better yet.
d) volunteer at an animal shelter or sanctuary. Seriously, there is no greater confidence-booster or LIFE-booster than earning the trust and affection of a nonhuman animal that doesn't involve you plying them with treats! It is also grounding to be around animals in need and helps you remember what ought to matter in life and what doesn't.
e) get off of social media. It is partially designed to kill your confidence and make you dependent on the constant validation of nobodies.
f) get over looks. Women are brainwashed to put too much value into their looks. No decent man is going to want to spend time with you or his life with you just because you're hot. I look like a female cross between Columbo and Benjamin Franklin, yet I can point at any man I want and have him. Good men find substance to be sexy. Having said that, you should care about *his* looks or else you won't want to bed him for long.
It’s somewhat surface level but I love doing this and it has actually made me more confident.
Honestly, self esteem/confident can be shaken or crushed if you don't have a solid foundation or a strong sense of who you are and what you stand for. That will take time and effort. 1) I would say get to know yourself. Consider what is important to you and what to let slide. When I say "let it slide" I don't mean be a door mat. Sometimes you can't fight the whole world - if someone shows me an opinion I don't like I don't argue with them, I just shut them off in my head and when I want to interact or miss them I remember that thing and redirect my energy to positive activities and people. 2) Also, getting good at your job, hobbies or just setting achieving goals can boost you. I've been working really hard on my health and it's led to me achieve goals I couldn't have dreamed of 2 years ago. Real work and effort pay off. I feel proud of myself and what I've achieved, which boosts my sense of self worth. 3) I try to live a life where I wish the best for people and try to do the right thing by others. That doesn't mean letting myself get in to stupid situations e.g. lending a broke friend money, it just means when I'm wronged I have taught myself to respond, not react. I choose to tie up the situation in the morally correct way and continue to hold myself to a high standard, don't sink to others low standards. 4) Develop self respect. This was super hard for me. I find myself still using a concept where if I'm not sure if I've been wronged, I reverse the situation and try to imagine how I would behave. If I can imagine being appalled at behaving in the way I was treated, this interaction was negative and I need to move on straight away, I need to hold the other people accountable or at arms length depending on who they are and what they did. As I mentioned, these things take time. Set yourself a year, don't interact with lots of people or at least not new ones, don't date, assess the people in your life and start to weed out the bs. Build yourself, focus on yourself, invest in yourself. Then start to look for those good influences and people you can depend on outside your social circle and family.
already many great advice. here's my two cents:
- self knowledge: get to know yourself, know who you are and want you want. this is powerful and helps you set ood boundries.
- self improvement: learn new things, get better at what you already know/skills you already have. don't settle.
- body awareness: when you feel your body, you learn to appreciate the things it can do, and therefore you learn to love yourself. after all, we aren't just our mind, we are also our body. i used to be very sedentary. then i started doing yoga just to move my body and get rid of pain from lack of exercise. now i love it and recommend it to everyone haha!
- learn to forgive yourself: we can be our worst enemies, especially after being brainwashed our entire lives by the patriarchy. we feel guilty for other people's actions, we beat ourselves up ourselves for mistakes we make, etc. we need to be kind to ourselves because the world simply never is.
- learn to appreciate your solitude: be okay with the possibility to never ever find love. sorry, but love is rare and it might never happen to you. that's a very real possibility and we need to be okay with it. i personally don't believe there is "the right person" for everyone. i could find a HVM tomorrow, stay with him for 2 years, 20 years, doesn't matter. it probably won't last forever. things change, people change, circumstances change. that's just life.
Something that helped me was the realisation that few people are wasting time judging me. (Granted I am not a model). When I enter a public space, most people are concerned with their immediate business, or how people are perceiving them. Why should I worry about small things, like whether my hair is coming down when they are wanting me to look admiringly at them? I have the power in that situation. I don't want their approbation, but I lot of them still want mine.