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We all know that childhood and teenage years are considered the most formative, and have a great impact on the trajectory of your life. However, I do feel that after age 25 until your early 30s, we seem to get this unique opportunity to really define our lives going forward. I feel that up until then, we are mostly not independent, especially in our thinking. We’re still operating off the patterns we have absorbed from our environment, without really questioning them a whole lot (or even if we are questioning them, we need time to expose ourselves to other perspectives and build new beliefs). In my early 20s, for example, I was:
dieting as a form of self punishment aka going through restrict and binge cycles
stuck in a trauma bond with my ex
chasing a definition of success that wasn’t my own
continuing what worked in my teenage years without realizing that my upbringing was incomplete (as is most people’s) and failing to work on my weaknesses strategically
struggling with my neurodivergence without being really aware of it, let alone having any idea of how to deal with it
Now, nearing the end of my 20s, I believe I have a much clearer picture of how my pre-adulthood time, where I naturally had little control of my life, has influenced me. In early adulthood, we suddenly get control, but we don’t know what to do with it, so we try random things. Being able to actively shape your life is a skill that takes time to develop, especially if you didn’t have any role models or good mentors in your earlier life. Trying to “do life” on your own with minimal guidance is hard, but it’s starting to feel less challenging as I get older, and I think many of my peers feel the same way.
I’ve always been pretty sure of my values, but I felt I lacked the tools to be able to live more in alignment with them. So it seems the late 20s are a transition time where people will likely start to go into very different directions, similar to the time after graduating highschool. Maybe that’s also why we will rarely come across fully-formed, “complete” HV people at that time, even though there is of course a clear difference between people who embrace self-development and those that don’t. It’s a time where we need to judge people on their values first and foremost, and find people in the same growth stage as us, because the results might not be all the way there yet. At least that’s how I’m trying to forgive myself for not having “leveled up” as much as I would have wanted to.
I’ve always had this idea that by 28-30, I would be completely settled and have everything figured out. Now I realize that only now I’m at a place where I can even actively and effectively do the figuring out. Does anyone feel the same way? Or am I just exceptionally “late” to everything?
I've always been a "late bloomer" and used to think it was bad, but now at 37 (when I'm still learning things about myself and what I want out of life), I realize we're all just on different paths/timelines and THAT'S OKAY!
I thought I would have my life figured out by 25 and that ended up not working out. I had a good job, a degree, a husband, a house and I was miserable! We split up when we were 28 and my life has gotten better every year since then. Back then I was just following what everyone in college was doing and what society told me was the right path, but it doesn't work for everyone.
I think the people that push so hard to get life figured out by 25 are the ones who end up with crazy mid-life crises in their 40's because they never veered off the path even a little to see if there was something else worth exploring. Then they blow up the life they thought they wanted and have to start over. Most of the "late bloomers" I meet are way better adjusted in every facet of life because they took the time to get to actually know themselves.
My thirties have been the best years of my life so far, and so many other people I talk to feel the same way. Keep going and growing 😊
I deeply agree and relate to this post. I had my FDS and leveling-up epiphany at age 26. Met my HV boyfriend at age 28. In my teens and early/mid 20s, I was unformed and insecure. My boyfriend and I were recently discussing our teenage selves, and I was struck by how enormously we have both matured over the past decade. Neither of us were properly HV even 3-5 years ago.
It makes me extra grateful I didn’t “settle down” young, because I believe HV people really blossom and solidify in their late 20s and beyond (can’t speak to later life stages yet). I also have friends in their late 20s and 30s who are continuing to level up and improve themselves and their relationships. It’s all part of the societal misogynistic brainwashing to convince girls and young women that they are full adults at age 18 and should be conforming to the expectations to look pretty, marry older men, start having babies, give up their own personal dreams, etc. We can fight this by staying independent and true to ourselves as we allow ourselves to grow and strengthen through our lives.
Men push the narrative that girls/women who have hit puberty are the most developed and hit their prime. This false fairytale serves men who want a pretty, young, naive person as a disposable girlfriend. We can see this trend in media where most actresses are years upon years younger than their actor partner. In the new Barbie movie, Margot Robbie is 32 and Ryan Gosling is 42. The indoctrination starts young.
I had a very similar experience, my mid to late 20's were eye opening and completely transformed me. It's when I really did the "figuring myself out" part of my twenties, instead of going from trauma to trauma. Now that I'm in my early 30s and observe poeple who did the work and didn't do the work... it makes a vast vast difference in terms of maturity (self worth more precisely).
I’m in my 40s, and I still feel like I’m growing, learning, and exploring new aspects of life. I don’t think it ever really ends; I think a lot of people just become complacent because they‘re tired and don’t want to work at building their lives any more. I honestly think that’s what a mid-life crisis is: change and adaptation it a natural part of life, and if you ignore that natural urge to keep moving and changing, it becomes more intense and destructive later on.
My thoughts, opinions and perceptions changed greatly between 26 and 28 and by 29 I had started solidifying what exactly my thoughts and feelings were. I'm still "figuring it out" but atleast there is a direction now. Atleast I am not all over the place.
Till mid 26, I didn't even acknowledge that there was any figuring out to do. I did not even realise that I was in a mess or I was a mess and just lived life using the little knowledge and underatanding I had about myself and the world.
I am yet to reach a financially secure place or find stability in my professional life for the long run, I feel currently almost stable, just not secure.
However, I am far from HV, I feel, as I'm still figuring out my weaknesses, understand and work on them. I can still be much better.