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I spent almost all of 2021 and 2022 decentering men. It was incredibly difficult at first. I found myself downloading and deleting dating apps, but I never actually found any men I was motivated to meet on dating apps. In May of 2021, I finally deleted the apps for good.
I occupied myself with the challenge of moving to a new city and finding a new job that I love. I did both and almost doubled my income. I found a side hustle to make a little extra money on the side for investment purposes. I spent time with family and planned little weekend get aways with them. I did some traveling with a cousin in the US and I went on some solo international trips last year. I explored my new city and and found lots of local treasures and hidden gems. I got comfortable going to speakeasies, artsy cafés, movies, and many different experiences alone. Sometimes I'd join women's only Meetup Groups. I've been celibate too, which I admit is incredibly difficult as I have a high drive.
The results of decentering men are:
1) I'm incredibly happy. I no longer feel lonely. I felt true loneliness whenever I was attached to, seeing, or texting LVM. I felt drained and sad all the time. I went from sad and insecure to happy and confident.
2) I've come to realise that Platonic love from family and friends is enough for me. I'm 100% at peace with never finding romantic love. I understand that this may not be the case for most people but it is the case for me.
3) A good Vibrator and getting turned on by yourself will give yout more satisfaction and pleasure compared to an ED 🍆 with an abuser attached to it.
4) Men are now competing with my peace and happiness, so I refuse to attach myself to any man if it doesn't make me happier than I am now and if it doesn't benefit me more than being single. Wealth, kindness, and generosity matter to me. I work in STEM already and have a decent paying job. It's a high bar and I have set up my life to be solo and happy. HVM are rare as it is, so I made my peace and happiness with staying single.
5) I ignore most men and don't argue with men. I refuse to give them attention, time and energy. I've stopped reacting to men complaining about anything. I also don't respond to men who try to rile me up. Like at a family gathering, my cousin's male friend said something problematic about women having more rights than men. I said "okay" to him, sipped my drink, neutral face and continued to only interact with the women at the gathering.
Between 2021 and now, I've probably only been on 3 dates. On one date the man was rude upon my arrival, he didn't greet me and immediately proceeded to complain about the place he picked. I turned on my heel, walked back to my car and drove away. The confidence that comes with protecting my peace is incredible. I am not responsible for teaching a grown man right from wrong or how to behave. It's hard enough to manage my own fucking emotions.
6) I gained the confidence to drop friends who were not my friends.
7) I gained the confidence to set boundaries with and say no to my toxic, manipulative, miser family members. I am still working on being better at this but I've come a long way.
8) I gained the confidence to find jobs that treat me with respect.
9) It took some nerve but I rocked the boat to get a pay increase.
10) For the first time I can say I love myself. Not in a conceited way. But it's a healthy self love.
Currently and for most of this time since 2021, I only have had male family members and work colleagues in my phone contact list. When I said I decentred men I really mean it. I was not texting, calling, seeing or speaking with men who were not family or work colleagues. I only had 3 dates in late 2022, I ghosted those men. I refused to have a talking stage with them too. My time was precious and they knew they had to ask me out to a proper dinner.
I was going out solo, traveling solo, meeting family and female cousins in different countries, attending Female only Meetups. I went to an incredible destination wedding this year.
The freedom, peace and happiness of decentering men is exhilarating. The work to get there is really tough though. I acknowledge that I am still learning and deprogramming my cultural brainwashing. But I'm improving with time.
I hope this helps you. Please feel free to share your stories of how decentering men has helped you. I'd love to hear them.
I am so happy for you!
Your whole post perfectly encapsulates the rule that men don’t compete with other men, they compete with your own peace and happiness as a single powerful woman.
This is so amazing to read!! Truly great post&accomplishment. Most of men are not worth shit.
I decided to work on my career and on myself a few months ago, rather than focusing on having a relationship. If it comes around, it comes around. Just a couple weeks ago I got an amazing opportunity to move countries (eastern europe to western) for at least the rest of this year to work on an exciting project - I believe this is simply because the last few months I've been nothing short of excellent. Of course I have a great manager who recognizes it and put me up to it to ensure my growth. They will pay for my apartment, car, and my income doubles as well. I am very excited but anxious at the same time, however I have a call with my awesome female mentor next week, who I'm sure will give me plenty of advice and some confidence as well.
Since I started investing in mostly myself, I wake up early, happy, ready to tackle another exciting day. I am annoyingly happy and positive. I am starting to believe in the lucky girl syndrome, because every single day, all things just fall into place. I stopped holding myself back when it comes to me being smart. I am focusing on complimenting other women at work as much as I possibly can, whether it's something about their appearance or doing a good job. I deliberately ignore messages from men around the office, who just want to waste time and talk. I don't do that anymore. I text them back hours later saying I have a lot of work to do.
Women in return have been complimenting me back a lot lately - again, because I invest in myself. I always inclined to more elegant outfits and I started to fully own it. My hair is growing longer, it's shiny, healthy, taken care of. I'm getting a lot of "your hair looks like Kate Middleton's hair" which is ultra compliment for me, because that's what I'm going for :)
Idk, I'm just so happy lately, it feels unreal. I'm moving countries in two days, Decentring men was the best thing I could do.
BRAVA!!!! 👏👏👏 #7 happened for me in 2022 I did a final snip snip on all abusive FOO jack-asses, and their enablers who kept trying to force and trick me into interacting with them. This was the absolute key to my leveling up in many unforeseen ways. Life is peaceful!
Got rid of an old group of shitty male frienemies that year as well. I learned that basically every man needs anger management and therapy just to be baseline normal. One of these dudes I’ve known since middle school randomly decided I was a TERF, on no evidence. Lol He was the bff of a guy who had a huge crush on me for 6 years through high school graduation, and they all still talked about it which was cringe. Bet he has secretly hated me ever since he got dragged around by that guy delivering creepy gifts to my doorstep for years - like how dare I not fall in love with his annoying friend.
I ghosted the group, a couple of the other guys defended me, and he has apparently been trying to reach me to aPoLoGizE but he’s blocked 💅🏾 Bottom line: FDS works. Our energy and attention as women has inherent value. Share it wisely.
I’m focused on career and consistent self-care.
YESSS this made me so happy to read and this is what you can accomplish when you realize most men aren’t worth it and aren’t even capable of love therefore not worthy of your time or attention so you focus on yourself 100%
When you love yourself and your standards are high and you’re already happy, you only leave room for a high value man who can add on to your pre existing joy and hard earned peace if he comes along.
When you pour back into yourself instead of leeching ass men, life will give back to you tenfold! Keep growing sis, love that you have the confidence to walk away from shitty people/situations at any time.
“I refused to have a talking stage, too” Good for you. The whole “talking stage” thing is a recent thing, anyway (even newer than the expectation to go 50/50). When I dated in the early 00s, there was no such thing. You were either dating, or you weren’t. Or you were casually dating, but never “talking”. Wtf is that?
Ugh yes thank you for posting this! I've been going on dates with a guy who has HV qualities, but I'm also finding that I center him and it's leading to me neglecting myself in ways that I wasn't before that. This post is a great reminder to continue to de-center men.
GIRL, SAME.
Nearly 35 and living my best ass life even though the world is a dumpster fire hell.
I always love reading success stories like this!!! Great post, thank you for taking the time to encourage other women on here! 💖 👑
"Men are now competing with my peace and happiness, so I refuse to attach myself to any man if it doesn't make me happier than I am now and if it doesn't benefit me more than being single."
Yeah!
Awesome post...inspiring!
This is very well articulated and exactly the type of posts that women need to read more often to learn to be independent and fulfilled while single. Thank you.
This makes me so happy! Good for you! It's such a pleasure reading about your journey ❤️
I love love reading incredible posts like this! Your story is inspiring and I hope to be at the place where you are today. I’ll start with this year :) never too late to begin
WE LOVE TO HEAR IT!
go on, Queen. 👑
when women thrive, the entire world thrives.
I love this so much!
wow! i'm so happy for you sis!!!!! your experience is VERY similar to mine, except I haven't had dates since i found FDS, so no walking away after being disrespected during a date.
it's increadible how decentering men is good for our self esteem and gives us the confidence to deal with other aspects of life. same thing happened to me. i even found a good job. life just improves a lot when you stop giving a fuck about men.
Love this for you! 👑
Queen. May you be an inspiration to all you meet.
I am positive that I cannot possibly love this more. 100% agree with every statement you made, especially loud applause for 'they are competing with my peace and happiness.' Mindset is phenomenal. Keep on winning. 💎
I loved reading this. You’re a Queen and you don’t need a King!!