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Hi ladies
I have trouble with communicating my needs and I tend to people please even when it is inconvenient and damaging to myself. I am non confrontational.
Still, I have this current situation in my life. I take vocal classes in my teacher's home. This is my third year with her. On her description it says one hour. For the most part, I get my one hour. But not really. Sometimes her 7-8 year old daughter barges in because she loves her mom so much which is cute but it disrupts the class! She rents out rooms for in her house and sometimes the tenants would need me to move my car. (Which... I'm going to start parking on the side of street now) Moving my car takes a few minutes from my hour. That's my fault I guess. Sometimes she is texting while playing the piano (my vocal tuning)... idk how she does it lol. Sometimes she has to take a two minute call, so we have to stop. There are times where she does give a few minutes over my end time to make up for any time that she had to step away. My class is at 9:30a.m so I sometimes feel like my teacher isn't "ready"...? I feel like the morning rush is still going on for her. This is where she is getting calls or texts from her team members for her own projects. Sometimes she does an errand at around 8:00am and I get to the house at 9:28 sharp! And I had to wait inside on the couch (tenant let me in) for about ten minutes.. because she isn't home yet, but that's when she gives me ten minutes more past my end time. Also, there are times (this happened 5 times in 3 years) where in the last 30 minutes of the class she wants me to use the Mic to practice the songs we are doing, then she closes door to our room while she goes and makes her breakfast! But since she can hear me still due to the speaker, I guess that's ok? my point being is, she's not fully present in my class I think.
My last class really hurt my feelings and honestly annoyed the heck out of me. She is getting her outside renovated. We don't start on time. 9:34 (EDIT: I looked at my phone and we actually started at 9:38. Due to her talking to workers) THEN like five minutes later, the workers there have more questions, and so they interrupt the class. (This is when her boyfriend is NOT at the house to talk to them) she talks to them for a minute. She takes a phone call for another minute while playing the piano for my tuning. Then, it turns into 10:30 am and I am in the middle of singing the song we practiced. The next student knocks and comes in and he came punctual at 10:30. My end time is 10:30 . My teacher then tells me "the next student is here, keep practicing this! I will see you Monday" . I honestly was so annoyed at that moment. I got hurt. I didn't think she would dismiss me like this when it was obvious we had so much disruption during this class. I should have gotten more time. At least let me finish the rest of the SONG I was singing. Two more minutes!! Of course, with a smile I said "okay see you Monday! 😁" and I left.
I pay for an hour and I don't get an hour. I pay for an hour and I don't get my teacher fully present at times. This doesn't happen all the time... and this teacher gives me really good life advice too. She is a great woman and I really really really like her. I noticed lots of progress with her.
I don't know how to effectively communicate or word this but i want to change my class time. I need a time where maybe I'm the last student so maybe (?????) she will be more present since it's later in the day and the morning "rush" has passed and so won't interfere. I don't want disruptions. I want to train and learn. I guess the solution may be to just change my class time.
I feel like I am not firm enough and I am too nice... I comply and gaslight myself when I know my needs are not getting met.
How would you go about this?
Edit: I messed up on a sentence. I corrected it.
Edit on 9/30/23: I feel angry now. I'm rethinking everything that went on that day's class and I truly did not get my money's worth. Whenever I had to cancel last minute (like an hour before due to me getting sick) for my class I would still pay her because that's being courteous and professional I think. But... I don't even get my full time when it's a normal class. I pay for an hour I don't get an hour. I pay for an hour even when I am sick and don't go. I feel so angry and hurt. I've been a student and this is my third year. The guy that came in after me is a new student. She really did cut a loyal client's (me) time for this guy! All he had to do is wait 2-7 more minutes. I mean I surely had to do that before, many times....part of me wants to say Fuck It and get a new teacher but I really like this woman. Also, i tend to give men 50 million chances, so my thought process is: I should give her a second chance too. Which I am. I let her know. She said she totally understands and that I'm right, and she will think of a new time.
Tell her, "I'd like to change my lesson time to one where there are less disruptions. It's hard for me to get the most out of my lesson when my needs aren't being met. Can you suggest a better time?"
If the same stuff happens at the different time, get a new teacher. If she gets offended by your request, get a new teacher.
My jaw dropped when I was reading this, literally. I've taken both piano lessons and vocal lessons and I've NEVER heard anything like that. Your teacher is being extremely unprofessional! No matter the time, there should absolutely be no disruptions whatsoever. All of that is completely unacceptable. You are a paying customer and you are definitely not getting your money's worth. You shouldn't even be paying for the whole hour if you're being interrupted like that all the time! And it's not like it's someone or something else that keeps interrupting, she gets out TO MAKE BREAKFAST??? WHAT THE ACTUAL HECK?!
Unfortunately your best bet is to get rid of her and find a new vocal teacher, she can't be the only one in your area. And even if she was, I still wouldn't stay with her. That arrangement sounds absolutely ridiculous and I honestly doubt that she will change her ways. You deserve better!!!
I strongly recommend a straightforward quick read called Get Out Of Your Own Way by Mark Goulston. All about boundary setting and overcoming self-defeating behaviours that stop you from asserting reasonable boundaries.
It takes time to strengthen boundary setting skills, but it gets easier the more you do it.
A point I will make that I may make a post about at some point is that boundary setting should not be conflated with “being mean”. I often see on FDS users saying they struggle to assert boundaries bc they “don’t want to be mean”. Wtf??? When I read this I am so confused as they clearly have no idea what a boundary really is. It is absolutely possible to hold someone accountable to their actions whilst being empathetic. Do not conflate boundary setting assertiveness with aggression.
Asserting a boundary means having the self-respect to recognise that you do not have to tolerate disrespect from others. Boundary setting can be completely graceful, and if it upsets the person you set it with, then that means they did not respect you. But if that person comes back later after a bit of self-reflection and says that they see their actions were out of line, then that means they do respect you, and they want to stay in your life and now know what it takes to make sure that happens.
People generally respect strong boundaried people because it shows that they have a backbone. It is primal natural behaviour to eventually be driven to take advantage of a weaker character who acts like a doormat. Sounds nasty, I know, but not everyone has the emotional intelligence to act above their primal instincts and empathise with another’s situation. So you need to do your job and protect yourself from disrespect by setting and HOLDING YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE to your (realistic and achievable) boundaries.